Listen, I'm not here to ruin anyone's good time, but in the immortal words of Big Sean — if you're even thinking of getting an eyeball tattoo, then "I don't fuck with you." And don't come crying to me when you go blind and also your eyeball shatters, because that's a thing that probably will happen. Trust me.

Today in DON'T FUCK WITH SNAKES, a chef in southern China died when a spitting cobra he was preparing to cook bit him on the hand...20 minutes after he decapitated it. Chef Peng Fan was making snake soup—a regional specialty made with spitting cobra meat, which reportedly has "spectacular health benefits"—and was…

A deadly Egyptian cobra has escaped from its cage (god, did I ever want to type "lair" right there. Snake houses should be called "lairs," right? It seems almost disrespectful to apply the term "cage," which is where a hamster or a rabbit lives, to where a deadly Egyptian cobra lives. But I digress) at the Bronx Zoo,…

We suppose that if you go to the effort of buying expensive shit, you might as well assume equally ridiculous measures to protect it. How else than to rationalize the London's Harrods department store borrowing a poisonous cobra to guard a $120,000 pair of jewel-encrusted sandals. And by "guard" we mean they had the…