Vice President Joe Biden and an intrepid second-grader have joined forces to reform gun control based on one simple platform: chocolate bullets.

The majority of us, I would guess, live fairly upstanding lives. We wake up, go to work, pay taxes, say 'please' and 'thank you' and, most of the time, that probably works out quite well for us. But then — every so often — we hear a story about someone who steps off the straight and narrow, ignores the mores of…

America's largest purveyors of fine Easter chocolates think you're dumb, so dumb, in fact, that they think a green label on a pack of M&Ms will trick you into thinking that those M&Ms are somehow good for you. Or at least better for you than other candy-coated chocolates.

Dove Chocolate advertising masterminds Fred Armisen and Bill Hader want to know: are you more likely to tamp some Dove chocolates down your food pipe if a serene white lady is telling you to do it? Or would you rather have Kevin Hart shout chocolate endorsements at you while you watch molten chocolate being drizzled…

Chocolate is lady-crack, if advertisements are to be believed. But the women who grow the cocoa that feeds the masses are not having similar mouth orgasms; instead, they're paid much less than their male colleagues and face discrimination in the workplace, in addition to hunger and poverty.

We get it, Belgium! You love chocolate more than anyone else; you win! God.

It turns out, great chocolatiers aren't banished to Belgium any longer, they're popping up all over! It's making chocolate more of an International game, and I do not hate the player and I do not hate the game. The more chocolate competition, the better for us all and our ever-growing sexxxy rear ends.

With the Nobel Prize ceremony now a few days behind us, it might be worth asking, "Where the fuck do all these smart-ass people come from?" I mean, I certainly don't know any Nobel-caliber people. Do you? Don't lie to everyone — it's unseemly. Of course you don't know any Nobel winners, and, if you don't start hanging…

If we've learned anything from Cathy comics and the silly t-shirts of your office HR rep, it's that women love chocolate. We love chocolate so much that we want to eat it with everything. We want to eat instead of everything. You know when you're like "I'd kill for some chocolate right now," and everyone laughs because…

Think about how less depressing and oh-my-god-I-want-to-rinse-my-eyes-out-with-oven-cleaner Requiem for a Dream would have been if all the main characters were addicted to Russell Stover box chocolates and, instead of wanting to open a coffee shop, wanted to save up for a blow-out trip to Hershey Park. If Darren…