Jezebel
politispawn
Posts Tagged “
Chelsea Clinton
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politispawn
crappy hour
We're Headed To Philly Tonight!
Megan and I are convening in Murderdelphia tonight for tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary! This morning a seven-alarm fire reminded everyone once more there used to be an economy there. Now there are too many vacant buildings and not enough crackheads to fill them. Five murders happened over the weekend in Philly. Chelsea Clinton submitted her ass to a fag hag gang grope. Michael Moore endorsed Barack Obama. The railroad industry made a comeback. The Pope made some speeches. Jeremiah Wright is going on TV. Some Republican told other Republicans to forget Reagan. Jimmy Carter won't make it so easy on you! Obama said he thought John McCain would be better than Bush. (Maybe because the Walnuts' stubborn refusal to wear a flag pin dovetails with his own 1960s radicalism?) And number one Jezecrush Thomas Frank got a weekly column in the Wall Street Journal. "The landmark political fact of our time is the replacement of our middle-class republic by a plutocracy," he wrote. "If some candidate has a scheme to reverse this trend, they've got my vote, whether they prefer Courvoisier or beer bongs spiked with cough syrup." There's a thought to drank to! His new book is called The Wrecking Crew. More »
don't mess with the press
Chelsea Clinton, And Lessons In Media (Mis) Management
The LA Times is starting to specialize in profiles of the non-Hillary women on the campaign trail, if this week's Cindy McCain profile and today's Chelsea Clinton profile are anything to go by. Although the paper managed to get a nice photo and plenty of ass-kissery into the Cindy story, its Chelsea profile (with unflattering picture) mentions the following: she won't talk to the press, even when the reporter is 9 years old; she repeats anecdotes that maybe aren't true; she has a "flat" delivery and a "raspy" voice; she wears tight jeans. The only unflattering thing the Times forgets to mention is the obvious crush her mother's spokesman, Phillipe Reines, has on her. (With two unflattering profiles appearing this week of his charge, Phillipe's apparently letting his passions overcome his professional duties.) More »
crappy hour
Cindy McCain Regrets Dissing Michelle Obama!
Why can't more rich people be like Cindy McCain? Not with the strumpet makeup, I mean, but with the white guilt? Today a LA Times profile made us officially decide to like Cindy, who grew up a rich spoiled rodeo queen cheerleader in Phoenix and then one day went on a scuba trip and came back a crying, caring compassionate woman who sometimes took pills to ease the psychic pain. Okay, so I like Cindy. I get her, I think. I also get Barry Marx Obama and Michelle and their "elitism and all of that." I get Pennsylvanians and why they are bitter. But here's what I don't get: what do the world's 50 top hedge fund managers need with the collected $29 billion they made last year? Are they saving up to buy the Great Wall or the Vatican or something? (Can you even securitize the Vatican?) And how is it they were so smart in a year that everyone at Merrill Lynch who didn't get demoted was soooo...goddamn...stupid. Just testosterone? Glamocracy Megan and I discuss why we can't just pass a law outlawing people from accumulating more than $50 million and, totally unrelated, the concept of "bitterness," after the jump. More »
news roundup
50 Cent Learns About Racism, Loses Interest
- "I heard Obama speak. He hit me with that he-just-got-done- watching-'Malcolm X,' and I swear to God, I'm like, 'Yo, Obama!' 'I'm Obama to the end now, baby!," says 50 Cent, who originally supported Hillary Clinton. He has since "lost interest." [MTV]
- One of the girls who tormented Megan Meier under the tutelage of evil mom Lori Drew is going to be on TV tomorow talking about how Lori turned out to be a crappy "mother figure." Um, yeah. [ABC]
- You know how after 9/11 the government consolidated all these government functions into the Department of Homeland Security, which was probably an expensive waste of time? Well they are sort of doing that with all the regulatory agencies that are supposed to keep track of how much money all of these sophisticated "security" things are worth so the economy doesn't find itself with a hole the size of the Russian economy in it. It will take a long time, and probably not work. [WSJ]
- Obama has his widest gap in the Gallup tracking poll of Democrats of any candidate since February. February! That is almost the month before last! [Wonkette]
crappy hour
And The $300 Million Defense Contract Goes To...The 22-Year-Old Abusive Boyfriend Who Never Had A Job!
Do you ever wonder, where do the weapons our Pentagon is buying to supply the Afghan counterinsurgency actually come from? Well, duh, China, but, let's start over. Meet Efraim Diveroli. He has some sort of $300 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the government. He also has: never had a real job, a drinking problem, a woman with a restraining order against him, a beautiful headquarters in the heart of Miami Beach, a 25-year-old VP whose only certification in anything is that he is a licensed masseur, and wiretaps of him talking about bribing the Albanian defense department by sending him whores. And all of this makes sense because Efraim Diveroli is 22 YEARS OLD. Yeah, we talked about our allies in Pakistan and John McCain, Chelsea Clinton and that douchebag who asked her about Monica, polling data, where that Bosnia story really came from, Donald Trump, corporate profits and our hangovers — oh and don't miss the riveting discussion of our Facebook horoscopes and Diddy and Tupac— but shit gets really epic when Glamocracy's Megan and I get down to...which under-25 year old Israeli mob arms dealer we'd rather get down with! Jump. More »
news roundup
Texas Lingerie $$ Church People Love Them Some Clinton Family!
- Hillary won the Texas primary by four percentage points but she may actually wind up tied with Obama for the delegate count. Just trust me when I say I am outraged on her behalf. [Wonkette]
- It's official: Rush Limbaugh won yesterday for Hillary. [Reason]
- It's official: that leaked NAFTA document won yesterday for Hillary. Stephen Harper says so. Who's Stephen Harper? Ha ha ha, some interdependence that turned out to be. [Reuters]
- It's official: there were a BUNCH of reasons Hillary won last night but yeah it was mostly SNL. [Progressive]
- Personally I don't understand why no one is crediting Joel Osteen of the Church of Prosperity and Lingerie for winning it for Hillary because everyone loves money and lingerie. And also, Chelsea's highlights. I hate highlights but hers look hot. [Houston Chronicle]
- Yeah yeah yeah running mate whatever we'll cross that bridge when we come to it which is to say holy shit NEVER. [Politico]
crappy hour
Chelsea Clinton Made A Girl Fat!
Look, it's Chelsea Clinton on the cover of a magazine! What impeccable timing, New York! Your empathetic portrayal of Hillary's pretty (and pretty reticent) daughter who would rather be seen than heard pushes my "I totally want to read this right now" buttons almost as hard as that April Fools Day themed Modern Love column in the Sunday Times. But hey: It's the Monday after the Oscars, and who really wants to talk about fucking Ralph Hater? (Okay, we'll talk a little bit about Nader.) After the jump Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier and I tabulate the columnist calls for Clinton to get out before she does something even more desperate than circulating photos of Obama dressed up like a homicide bomber and ponder the tragic fate of the poor girl who got excommunicated by Chelsea's Mean Girl gatekeepers at Stanford. More »
So remember last week when MSNBC reporter David Shuster caused a Clinton ruckus by saying that Hillary was "pimping out" daughter Chelsea by bringing her on the campaign trail? Well, writer and former call girl Tracy Quan, who knows from pimps, has a different take on the situation: Hillary isn't the pimp... it's Bill: "If you've experienced the American pimp scene - even peripherally, as I have - you'd recognize Chelsea Clinton's dad right away as pimp material. Long before Bill turned post-presidential as Hillary's hands-on helper, the Clinton marriage was settling into a pattern, starting with Bill's seductive charisma and moving right along with Hillary's decision to provide the financial support. In the 1990s, when feminists were casting Bill as an "equal partnership" spouse, he struck me as a quasi-pimp. Not a gigolo, you understand. That's not Bill's game at all. He was never there to be window-dressing or to keep Hillary amused, and he's too formidable a player to be taken for arm candy." [Guardian]
news roundup
Barack Obama May Be "Inevitable", But He Didn't Learn That From His BlackBerry
- Puppies! [NYT]
- Unexplained national BlackBerry shutdown began at 3:30 p.m. I'd take it as a sign from God, but those fuckin' iPhones are still working. [WSJ]
- Obama officially pulled ahead of Clinton, delegate wise, even counting the "superdelegates," after winning in Maine. [CBS News]
- Oooooh, and look who's inevitable now!!! [NY Times]
- No really, DRUDGE EXCLUSIVE inevitable... [Drudge]
- And now that pretty much every state where The Nation is read has held a primary, it's pulling for Obama too. [CBS News]
- Paul Krugman finds something Nixonian about all this Obama love but fuck if he's going to tell you exactly what it is. [NYT]
- If China keeps up this stealing our military secrets thing maybe one day they will learn how to wage their own futile trillion dollar wars on oil-producing countries. But wait, who will they borrow money from to do all that? [Washington Post]
Today on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck informed audience members that she and Chelsea Clinton engaged in a little game of phone tag this morning. (Elisabeth, as you may remember, was the only View co-host not contacted by the younger female Clinton the other day). Apparently Chelsea rang Elisabeth at 7am — which we think is way too early to call someone you don't know, although not too early to call someone you don't like — but Elisabeth was dealing with her newborn baby, so she missed the call. And when Elisabeth called her back, Chelsea didn't answer. Hahaha, screening much?
clips
Chelsea Campaigns For Mom Via Phone Calls To The View
Today on The View, the gals talked about yesterday's Super Tuesday insanity and the fact that three of them were recipients of personal phone calls from Chelsea Clinton herself, who'd heard that they were on the fence about who to vote for. But why did Chelsea call Sherri Shepherd? Is she a registered Democrat? (She's been going on and on about the Republican candidates forever.) Not surprisingly, the only View co-host who Chelsea didn't ring was Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who seemed a little salty about being left out of the fun. Clip above.
obama girls
Democratic Dames Vie For The Hearts, Minds, Votes Of Women
In anticipation of Super Tuesday, candidates and surrogates were out in full force this weekend, blanketing many Super Tuesday states with messages of hope, change, experience, vision and various other words that resonate with voters despite their nebulous nature. But what was most inspiring to some of us was the sheer number of women — and not just Hillary — who were doing the talking. From Chelsea working on behalf of her mother to Michelle and friends (above), both Democratic candidates are using women to appeal to women. More »
crappy hour
So, Losing Weight Gives You Higher Self-Esteem And Saves Your Feet From Amputation? Sign Me Up!
Last night's debate was pretty boring, as the two remaining mainstream candidates (remember Mike Gravel? He's still running but they didn't let him into this debate either) were both supernice and very wonky, which is probably why most of America — Barry included — started to doze off until the cameramen started cutting away to show all the celebrities in the audience! Who were, naturally, all dressed to the nines because debates are the new awards shows since there aren't any awards shows and Hollywood needs its collective circle jerks to sleep at night. So, there are pictures to entertain you and Moe and I — yeah, it's Megan writing this intro because Moe had some coffee bean explosion she had to tend to, we don't call it "crappy" for nothing, kids — present a special late night (see: drunken) version of Crappy Hour. More »
go ask alice
Why Can't More First Daughters Be As Cool As Alice Roosevelt?
Even though she'd probably be kinda fun to get drunk with, Jenna Bush is a real Debbie Downer these days with her book Ana's Story where everyone is poor and gets AIDS. Barbara seems similarly into boozing but what has she done for me lately? Neither of these pallid first daughters can really measure up to the example set by Teddy's daughter, the notoriously ballsy Alice Roosevelt Longworth, who bore the child of Senator William Borah while she was married to speaker of the House Nick Longworth. More »
dirt bag
Amy Winehouse Loves Herbal Refreshments
- Everything in Norway is smoked! Amy Winehouse's arrest stemmed from someone tipping off the police that the singer had marijuana in her hotel room. Officers held Amy, husband Blake Fielder-Civil and a male member of her tour crew for about 12 hours in separate cells, then fined and released them. We're curious whether they bought the weed en route or brought it with them... [People]
- Isla Fisher popped! The actress and baby daddy Sacha Baron Cohen had a baby girl in L.A. on Wednesday night. [The Sun]
- A New York psychotherapist says that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be damaging their children by traveling so much, pulling them from schools and not creating a stable environment outside the family unit. Not that it's any of his business. [Page Six]
- Did the ideas from Jessica Seinfeld's book, Deceptively Delicious, come from another book? The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids' Favorite Meals has similar, icky, "just add purée" recipes. [Rush & Molloy]
file under: my ass
