Velveeta's Social Media Accounts Are So Amazingly Weird

This Bar Will Do Your Laundry While You Get Drunk and Eat Cheese

You know what one of the worst things about doing laundry is? That you can't get stupid drunk while waiting for your delicates to dry. I mean, theoretically you can, but you run a very high risk of drunkenly joining some underground laundry secret society. Those are a total pain in the ass to get out of, trust me. » 4/15/14 9:30pm 4/15/14 9:30pm

Milk Is Great for Your Joints, and Cheese Is Destroying Them

When I was a kid, it was all about milk. "Set the table! Wash your hands! Milk or water?" was the refrain at every mealtime. Not juice, not iced tea, not soda (Diet Coke wouldn't take hold for another decade)—just water or milk, milk or water, simple as that, as though the two were interchangeable. Nonfat for my mom,… » 4/08/14 6:45pm 4/08/14 6:45pm

Philly Has a Street Harasser Who Drapes His Dick in Swiss Cheese

A man in Philadelphia (because of course a man in Philadelphia) has apparently taken serial street harassment (and the phrase "dick cheese") to a whole new level grossness by applying slices of Swiss cheese to his exposed penis and asking women to perform various sex acts. On his cheese-adorned penis. » 1/11/14 1:30pm 1/11/14 1:30pm

Terrifying Velveeta Shortage Threatens to Ruin Dip Season

A looming nationwide shortage of Velveeta threatens to make the leanest dip season since the great ranch dressing famine of 1986. What are we supposed to melt and serve in a bowl during the Super Bowl now, huh? Crayons? » 1/07/14 6:35pm 1/07/14 6:35pm

Milwaukee to Salt Its Snowy Roads with Delicious Cheese Products

In news that makes me really hungry, the city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin is testing the use of mozzarella and provolone cheese brine to make winter roads less slippery. » 12/24/13 7:20pm 12/24/13 7:20pm

Wanna Sniff Some Cheese Made From Human Microbes?

Feeling a little peckish? Well, you won't after reading this. NPR reports that UCLA microbiologist Christina Agapakis and artist Sissel Tolaas have teamed up "to create cheese using the microbes that grow on their skin." We understand if you need a minute. » 11/25/13 7:40pm 11/25/13 7:40pm

Night Cheese, Interrupted: What's the Truth Behind Cheese Dreams?

Preemptive apology: This post contains no answers. We're simply here to speculate on the reasons behind cheese dreams or — as they're more historically known — cheese nightmares. » 11/07/13 3:40pm 11/07/13 3:40pm

Poll Finds that Women Are Happiest at Size 12 (Because Cheese Probably)

Conventional wisdom suggests that, when it comes to female happiness, thinner is always, always, always better—that once you whittle yourself down to a perf size 2, all of your problems will disappear, celery will begin to taste like donuts, and Twiggy circa 1967 (the happiest woman e'er to stride the earth!) will… » 10/24/13 8:15pm 10/24/13 8:15pm

Guy Loves Cheese So Much He Eats a Wheel of Brie on the Subway

Yo, I know you thought your week was shaping up pretty good, so I hate to break it to you like this, but what's actually been going on is that your entire existence has been hot garbage up until this moment. Because you didn't even know about a little something called OH, JUST BEN LINUS* EATING AN ENTIRE WHEEL OF… » 10/11/13 7:00pm 10/11/13 7:00pm

Evil Recalled Cheese Linked to Miscarriages and Death

Listeria contamination in three kinds of Crave Brothers cheese (now recalled) has led to several hospitalizations, a miscarriage, and a fucking death. Someone died. Because of CHEESE. And not some janky hard cheese, either—a gooey, luxurious soft cheese with truffles in it. I hate this story so much. » 7/08/13 8:30pm 7/08/13 8:30pm

Diet Cheese Company Ad Makes Fun of Diet Ads

Irish Cheese company LowLow's new advertisement is a parody of standard diet ad cliches — Smug Girl, Ditzy Girl and Muffin Girl dance around with yogurt and zip up their jeans — because even though its cheeses only have one-third the fat of regular cheese, LowLow is hip enough to know that diet ads suck. Meta! » 4/12/13 6:15pm 4/12/13 6:15pm

Cheese Will Make You Happy, May Also Lower Diabetes Risk

Science has finally caught up with deliciousness with the new findings that eating cheese can reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes by 12 percent. Naturally, the flavor of this news is paired really well with red wine (which basically enables us to live forever while getting drunk without having to exercise). » 7/24/12 10:50am 7/24/12 10:50am

Cheese, Glorious Cheese: It's All About the Cheddar

Much unlike many a magazine editor who recommends you buy all sorts of crap that they most likely got for free, your Jezebel staff doesn't get jack shit (other than books, unsolicited). And that's how it should be. But on our own time, in our personal lives, we still buy stuff. So this is Worth It, our recommendation… » 7/09/12 4:10pm 7/09/12 4:10pm

Earthquake in Italy Devastates the World's Artisanal Cheese Supply

Friends, it is with great sadness that I must report news of a most terrible tragedy. As you may have heard, a magnitude 6.0 earthquake hit Italy yesterday, north of Bologna. Already it has killed seven people and ruined many historic buildings, which is obviously awful. But now we're getting even more bad news: it's… » 5/21/12 10:00pm 5/21/12 10:00pm

Like Ice Cream? Then You'll Love These Delicious Beaver Anal Glands

Deep down, we all know that there are, shall we say, unsavory ingredients in many of the foods we so love to eat. (I am looking at you, Mr. McRib). But these past few weeks have been kind to our ability to maintain the illusion that what we eat is not filled with hair and bugs and spare animal parts. First, there was… » 3/29/12 9:15pm 3/29/12 9:15pm

Town Is Beset by Mysterious Loud Booms, Wishes They Would Fucking Stop…

As you drift off to sleep tonight, angry that the toddler upstairs won't stop doing jumping jacks or that your next door neighbor's cat is in heat again, just remember that it could be worse. You could live in Clintonville, Wisconsin, where a series of mysterious booms has been occurring for the past few nights.… » 3/21/12 11:20pm 3/21/12 11:20pm

New Anti-Cheese Ad Campaign Is Pure Evil

These two new ads, which appear on billboards in Albany, New York, are attempting to teach people that eating cheese is hazardous to your health and will make you fat. Luckily, the campaign, which is sponsored by a nonprofit group called Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM), fails pretty miserably.… » 1/18/12 11:15pm 1/18/12 11:15pm

New Year, New Diets For You to Try and Fail

As every late night infomercial for electrodes that give you sexy abs tells you: dieting is terrible. No one likes dieting. In fact, it seems the only people who like dieting are involved in the dieting industry, and they stand to profit immensely from people's desire to be lose weight. To make matters worse, research… » 1/05/12 5:00pm 1/05/12 5:00pm