NUNS WIN! NUNS WIN! Or at least American nuns no longer have a Vatican investigation hanging over their heads, anyway.

A new Vatican document has denounced plastic surgery, calling it "aggressive" and saying it threatens "the feminine identity, showing a refusal of the body." The same document also lumps in abortion with female genital mutilation and rape as things that harm women, just in case you were worried the Vatican was…

The American bishops of the Catholic Church assembled in Baltimore this week for their annual meeting. And they were clucking and fluttering like a bunch of hens, trying to calm the tizzy kicked up by Pope Francis and his kindler, gentler approach to the culture wars.

On Monday, #chillpope kicked off a big two-week Vatican summit about the Catholic family. Popping by to speak to the gathering were Ron and Mavis Pirola, an Australian couple with 55 years of marriage under their belts, who informed the assembled celibates that, yeah, sex matters. A lot.

Francis has a rep as the Chillest Pope, but he's not lightening up when it comes to the command to go forth and multiply. The CEO of the Catholic Church does not approve of the childfree lifestyle, and he insists you should raise kids, not pets.

A group of Italian women have written a letter to Pope Francis, asking for an end to the Catholic Church's requirement of celibacy for priests. Their reason? They say they've all been in (or would like to be in) secret relationships with men of the cloth.

Cool pope Pope Francis is so cool (HOW COOL IS HE?) that he recently said he'd be willing to baptize aliens from outer space if they ever touch down on Earth looking to be saved.

Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the current Archbishop of New York, thinks it's totally okay for private companies like Hobby Lobby to categorically deny their female employees insurance coverage for birth control, because "By Lord, all you have to do is walk into a 7-11 or any shop on any street in America and have access to…

This morning, TIME announced that this year's Prom Queen Of News is none other than Pope Francis. The pontiff is the perfect choice for 2013's Person of the Year — he changed the Church from a mouthpiece for intolerance into one of love and acceptance. Except not really for women. He's still pretty meh about women.…

Know what's even scarier than stumbling into a Walgreens at 3 am and witnessing a woman dressed as Miley Cyrus puking on a guy dressed up as Jesse Pinkman as a muzakal rendition of Silent Night plays over the loudspeaker? What conservatives in the government are doing — and have done — to low income women this week.…

The new issue of Vanity Fair features a story called "The Secret Gay Life of the Vatican: Inside a Hidden Netherworld of the Catholic Church." While the full piece is not online, there's an excerpt on the VF website with two really great quotes.

Just as cool merchandise is to blame for the crime of shoplifting, so too are children to blame for the sexual abuse they suffered at the hands of Catholic clergy for decades. At least, if you ask one influential Catholic archbishop.