Catholic Church Says It's Against Religion to Pay Sex Abuse Victims

The Catholic Archdiocese of Milwaukee, which owes victims of pedophile priests (including one, Think Progress notes, who was accused of assaulting approximately 200 deaf children) $17 million has decided to put that money into a fund reserved for cemeteries and claims that to pay the victims what they're owed is a… » 3/11/15 10:30pm 3/11/15 10:30pm

80-Year Old Grandma Becomes Priest Despite Law Saying She Can't

The Catholic Church is infamous for telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies—and also bans them from taking clergy roles, aside from becoming nuns. But an awesome, 80-year old grandma named Rita Lucey is all, 'Fuck that, I want to be a priest so I'm going to become one, anyway,' and joined the… » 1/18/15 3:30pm 1/18/15 3:30pm

Kenyan Bishops: Don't Vaccinate Your Kids; It's a Birth Control Trap!

The Catholic Church and Kenya's government are at odds over a vaccine that religious leaders say is a sterilization drug disguised as a tetanus shot. The Church is advising women not to vaccinate themselves or their children because they might ruin their reproductive future. Meanwhile, political leaders say the drug… » 11/12/14 2:20pm 11/12/14 2:20pm

Pope Francis 'Begs Forgiveness' From Catholic Sex Abuse Victims

Pope Francis met with six victims of sexually abusive priests at the Vatican on Monday, where he asked for their forgiveness. This is, at least, his second request following another public appeal back in April where he asked victims to forgive their abusers just before Easter. That move set off anti-abuse protestors… » 7/07/14 3:00pm 7/07/14 3:00pm

NY Catholic Group Wins Right To Deny Birth Control to Employees

US District Judge Brian Cogan ruled yesterday that a group of New York Catholic institutions cannot be forced to offer birth control in employee health care plans as mandated by the Affordable Care Act. The group consisted of six New York-area Catholic organizations including the Archdiocese, high schools, medical… » 12/17/13 11:50am 12/17/13 11:50am

Catholic Bullshitter Timothy Dolan: Church Is Being ‘Out-Marketed’

Well, Cardinal Timothy Dolan isn't exactly wrong when he insists that the Catholic Church is being "out-marketed" when it comes to gay rights, but his reasoning that the powerful Hollywood marketing machine has somehow distorted the issue and undermined the Church's once-powerful propaganda machine is bullshit. The… » 12/01/13 4:30pm 12/01/13 4:30pm

Creepy Catholic Website Explains Why Women Shouldn't Go to College

If you're an 18-year-old adult woman on the fence about whether or not your parents "should" "let" you go to college, fret no more! The internet provides, as always, in the form of this staggeringly terrible listicle from (which, as far as I can tell, is a machine where you put in Catholicism and the… » 9/12/13 11:20am 9/12/13 11:20am

The Archdiocese, New York’s Shittiest Landlord, Bans Public School…

If the Catholic Church was your landlord, it almost definitely wouldn't let you masturbate in your apartment. You'd have to sneak away to a public park, like some sort of deviant. The Catholic Church, in other words, would make a pretty overbearing landlord, something that is being proved right now in New York, where… » 4/07/13 4:30pm 4/07/13 4:30pm

Pope Resigns, Hands in Collection of Crazy-Tall Hats

Time to cue up the montage of your favorite papal moments over the past 8 years because earlier this morning Pope Benedict XVI announced that he is officially retiring from his important work of blessing Ferraris and denying women birth control as of February 28th of 2013. He is the first Pope to quit the job in… » 2/11/13 10:35am 2/11/13 10:35am

We're So Surprised That the Catholic Bishops Rejected Obama's Birth…

The White House released new birth control guidelines last Friday (we broke them down here) in hopes of reaching a compromise with religious groups and organizations that don't want to subsidize whatever they personally equate with baby-killing: contraceptives, sterilization, Plan B, those stress dreams you have that… » 2/08/13 3:00pm 2/08/13 3:00pm

Germany's Catholic Church Turns Away Rape Victims

Germany has a massive problem with the Catholic Church. The country's tax-funded Catholic hospitals, schools, and nursing homes make their own rules in a moral vacuum, even though their decisions on who can put his penis in whose vagina in what circumstances affect millions of Germans. The church is the… » 1/25/13 12:50pm 1/25/13 12:50pm

Catholic Hospital Conveniently Claims Fetuses Aren’t People in…

The Catholic Church has long been the Nadia Comaneci of mental gymnastics, but a new lawsuit where a Catholic-run hospital claims that fetuses aren't people with any legal rights sets a new standard for a triple twisting double-WTF logical dismount. Even Elfie Schlegel would be forced to abandon her perpetual… » 1/24/13 1:30pm 1/24/13 1:30pm

Domestic Violence Victims Asked For It By Dressing Like Sluts, Says…

As part of an ongoing campaign to convince everyone to quit being Catholic, an Italian priest used his annual Christmas message to expound on a very Christmasy topic he'd spent many years studying in Priest JuCo — domestic violence. And like most instances when a celibate male Catholic official comments on what women… » 12/28/12 1:15pm 12/28/12 1:15pm

Widower Objects to Investigation of His Wife's Death After Being Denied…

When the Irish government announced its plans for an investigative probe into the death of Savita Halappanavar—the 31-year-old Galway woman who died painfully and senselessly after being denied an abortion by Catholic hospital administrators—Halappanavar's husband was less than satisfied. The original seven-member… » 11/20/12 5:50pm 11/20/12 5:50pm

France Is So Avant Garde That It Is Officially Retiring the Words…

The French are so avant garde when it comes to semiotics, that they are preparing to replace the words "mother" and "father" in all official documents with the gender-neutral amalgamation "parents." The move anticipates France's looming legalization of same-sex marriage, which in turn has Catholic authorities in… » 9/26/12 10:50am 9/26/12 10:50am

Gay Couple Sues Catholic Diocese for Being Allegedly Bigoted About Real…

A gay couple in Massachusetts sued a Roman Catholic diocese on Monday for allegedly bringing bigotry into a real estate deal by refusing to sell the couple a mansion for fear that it would one day play host to a big, fabulous gay wedding, sex party, or roller disco. Any of those scenarios would violate a particularly… » 9/10/12 10:25pm 9/10/12 10:25pm