When Carly Fiorina, notable as the holder of the shortest VP run in U.S. history, suspended her presidential bid, she invoked the vague idea of feminism.

What an... exciting day it’s turning out to be: while Hillary Clinton addressed the Planned Parenthood Action Fund Friday, seagull dipped in tikka masala Donald Trump headed to the Faith and Freedom Conference, where he was briefly interrupted by protesters from the women’s rights group Code Pink.

After a crushing defeat in Indiana, the soggiest senator Ted Cruz announced that he would end his presidential campaign. The decision was no doubt a blow to the small pocket of Christian conservatives who had, above all odds, held out hope that this snarling bespawler would somehow trounce Donald Trump. But it was not…

Carly Fiorina hasn’t been able to claim very many “wins” in her life. HP was a disaster. Her run for the Senate was a disaster. And most recently, her bid for the presidency was a disaster. But now, Carly Fiorina has made her gravest mistake of all: Accepting a position in which she’s forced to touch Ted Cruz…

At a rally in La Porte, Indiana on Sunday, Carly Fiorina introduced the Cruz family before immediately falling off a low stage.

On Wednesday, Ted Cruz had something to say
The election wasn’t going his way.
He summoned her from a twilight sleep,
Carly Fiorina would be his veep.

Staid local goblin Ted Cruz is holding a press conference Wednesday in Indianapolis to announce that Carly Fiorina will be his pick for vice president, according to multiple reports. The two have previously been seen together in the hideous fever dreams you experience after a long night of watching C-SPAN 3 and…

Carly Fiorina—former CEO, firer of people, person with moderate issues re: telling the truth— hasn’t been much seen since suspending her presidential campaign in February. Now, praise God, here she is, with a bizarre little ad about her own, highly specific concept of feminism.

Carly Fiorina, a moderately bad person who dropped out of the Republican presidential race in early February, announced Wednesday that she’s endorsing Ted Cruz, who is probably not the Zodiac Killer. What a match made in whatever afterlife you go to when you make a lot of compromises in life!

On Wednesday at around 3 p.m., Carly Fiorina suspended her presidential campaign. She posted a lengthy statement to her Facebook page:

After Tuesday night in New Hampshire, neither Carly Fiorina nor Ben Carson should be running for president anymore. Yet both of them still are, for some reason, and Fiorina is emphasizing how supremely pissed she’ll be if she’s not part of the next GOP debate. Let’s all sit back and wait for Carly to get supremely…

On Friday morning, former New Hampshire state representative Marilinda Garcia introduced Carly Fiorina in the basement of Manchester’s Millyard Museum at an event called “Coffee With Carly.” Around 8:45 a.m., the guest of honor slid out awkwardly from behind a large “Take Our Country Back” sign to a few polite whoops.

Monday evening’s Iowa caucuses separated the potential winners from the definite losers, and Carly Fiorina was not happy with the group in which she was forcibly placed.

One of the things Carly Fiorina learned as CEO of HP was how to make use of available resources. On Wednesday, that meant capitalizing on the presence of little kids while on a campaign stop at the Greater Des Moines botanical garden. No longer were they preschoolers on a field trip—now, without the permission of…

In Thursday night’s “undercard” debate, the one you didn’t watch, a group of dispirited aging Sears models wandered around a vast, icy, blue-lit stage, begging someone to notice them. Among them was Carly Fiorina, who loves her husband and would like some extra credit for it.

“And I am your President,” goes the last line of Eileen Myles’s clipped little river of a poem “The American Dream.” In the poem she describes coming out as “stepping off the flag,” and then she steps back on it, wryly assuming the mantle of greatness:

Carly Fiorina’s week is, thus far, not so hot: she’s polling between 1 and 3 percent, and both she and Rand Paul learned yesterday they’re being booted down to the kid’s table “undercard” debate. We’ll miss Carly whenever she departs, but happily, we’ll always have this very fun interview in Glamour to remember her…

In an interview with New Hampshire Public Radio Thursday morning, GOP presidential candidate and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina was asked if she would ever take responsibility for HP’s well-documented struggles. Fiorina responded with a strong counter-pitch: Haha, what struggles?

Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

On Tuesday, January 5, President Obama will announce his plans to invoke more rigorous gun control across the country. Through executive actions he will implement expansive background checks and intensify federal enforcement of extant gun laws.