Babies Kind of Hate Mitt Romney

There are few things more embarrassing than being asked to hold someone else's baby only to have that baby immediately explode into hysterics. Chalk it up to the widely accepted notion that small children — like dogs and horses and Jedi — somehow possess an extrasensory level of bullshit detection lost to normal adult… » 9/28/12 3:20pm 9/28/12 3:20pm

Mitt Romney Unwittingly Tells Spanish Language News Outlet that He…

We all misuse slang now and then. When I was in fourth grade, a kid named David told everyone on the playground that women's private parts were called "pajoygens," and no one corrected him. A kid I used to babysit used to refer to her elbows as "boners" (because they're bony?). And I'll never forget the time I was in… » 8/14/12 4:20pm 8/14/12 4:20pm

Santorum & Romney Choose Totally Penis-y Secret Service Names

Republican Presidential hopefuls Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney have reached a critical point in the election season. A do or die moment. They've both made an intractable decision that will impact their legacies forever: they've picked their Secret Service code names. And both of them are delightfully, obliviously… » 3/20/12 4:00pm 3/20/12 4:00pm

America Wants to Know If Romney Has a Big Penis

There was a time when the nation was mildly scandalized by presidential candidate Bill Clinton being asked if he wears boxers or briefs. A lot has changed in the past two decades, and our sensibilities aren't quite as delicate as they once were. Case in point: Yesterday a man called in to C-SPAN (C-SPAN!) and asked » 1/11/12 8:55pm 1/11/12 8:55pm

Santorum & Romney Lead Iowa Caucuses In Virtual Tie

Unfortunately you're still going to need those nasty fecal froth jokes you cooked up. Rick Santorum finished first in the Iowa caucuses — by only five votes — following a sudden surge this week. With 99% of precincts reporting, Santorum and Mitt Romney both have 24.6% of the vote. Ron Paul was a close third at 21.5%,… » 1/04/12 12:52am 1/04/12 12:52am

Rick Santorum Attempts To Make Sweater Vests Trendy

If you're already on the lookout for incredibly lazy Halloween costumes, be advised that Rick Santorum is trying to make sweater vests part of his brand. He's shown up to some campaign events in a sleeveless number even when his opponents wore suits, just in case Americans feel more comfortable having their rights… » 1/03/12 1:30pm 1/03/12 1:30pm

Michele Bachmann's Iowa Chair Flees, Seeks Solace With Ron Paul

Michele Bachmann's disdain for facts is well known, which is why on Fox News last night she was confidently declaring that she'll be the Republican nominee, adding, "I intend to be America's Iron Lady." However, for those of us who dwell in reality, two things have come to light that suggest Meryl Streep will never be… » 12/29/11 10:00am 12/29/11 10:00am

Rick Perry Suddenly Realizes He's Against Abortion In Cases Of Rape &…

Just a week ago, Rick Perry say he'd allow abortion in cases of rape, incest and to protect the mother's life, but that doesn't exactly jibe with his recent embrace of the proposed personhood laws that even most Republicans don't like. When asked about the contradiction at a campaign event today, Perry revealed that… » 12/27/11 11:47pm 12/27/11 11:47pm

Divorce Records Reveal Gingrich's Pants Decidedly On Fire

You've probably heard the rumors that presidential candidate and '90s Trivial Pursuit answer Newt Gingrich divorced his first wife while she was being treated for cancer, then dumped Mrs. Gingrich #2 for his current wife Callista. To dispel the notion that he's a serial cheater and all-around terrible person, Gingrich… » 12/27/11 11:40am 12/27/11 11:40am

14-Year-Old Bisexual Girl Confronts Rick Perry On DADT

Ambushing Republican candidates and asking them to explain their crappy positions on gay rights is becoming quite the trend in this election, and Rick Perry is the latest target. After a town hall meeting in Iowa, 14-year-old Rebecka Green approached Perry and said, "I just want to know why you're so opposed to gays… » 12/19/11 10:30am 12/19/11 10:30am

Herman Cain & Wife Share Heartwarming Christmas Message

Have you had trouble getting into the holiday spirit this year? Perhaps this yuletide message from former presidential candidate and probable sleazeball Herman Cain will put you in the mood. Don't forget that this is the time of year to sing weirdly patriotic Christmas tunes, read aloud from the Bible to your… » 12/15/11 10:13pm 12/15/11 10:13pm

Newt Gingrich's Lesbian Sister Urges You To Vote For Obama

Like many, we were hoping that Newt Gingrich might drop out of the presidential race and retreat back to the '90s, from whence he came. Now, unless it's revealed that Gingrich has a long history of infidelity and impropriety that will sour the American people against him, it seems that he and Mitt Romney will be… » 12/11/11 11:40pm 12/11/11 11:40pm

Michele Bachmann Explains Nice Girls Don't Ask Boys On Dates

We really want Michele Bachmann to leave us alone and stop trying to ruin our lives, and we're adult women who've never met her, not teen girls under her care. Yesterday, Michele Bachmann offered some insight into the plight of her three biological daughters and 412 foster children while promoting her book on Sean… » 12/08/11 10:00am 12/08/11 10:00am

Rick Perry Boldly Admits He's Christian In Unbelievably Bigoted…

You know how President Obama's secret Muslim agenda has forced Christians to hide their beliefs, lest they be targeted for extra screening at airports and taunted for wearing their cross necklaces while grocery shopping? Well, Rick Perry is through with cowering in fear! In this new campaign, Perry declares, "I'm not… » 12/07/11 8:54pm 12/07/11 8:54pm

Michele Bachmann Plans To Close Non-Existent U.S. Embassy In Iran

According to NBC News' Jamie Novogrod, when asked about the raiding of the British embassy in Iran at a campaign event in Iowa, Michele Bachmann declared that if she were president, things would be different: "We wouldn't have an American embassy in Iran." That shouldn't be too difficult to pull off since the U.S.… » 11/30/11 9:27pm 11/30/11 9:27pm

Rick Perry Manages To Make Two Gaffes In One Sentence

Rick Perry has officially given up on running for the presidency and is now just campaigning to make it onto this week's episode of Saturday Night Live. After delivering his stump speech at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics at Saint Anselm College on Tuesday, Perry declared, "Those of you that will be 21 by… » 11/29/11 11:58pm 11/29/11 11:58pm

Georgia Woman Finally Accuses Herman Cain Of The Affair He's Denying

Earlier today Herman Cain issued a preemtive denial, saying that a woman he thought was his friend was going to falsely accuse him of having an affair with her. Now we know what the hell he was talking about. Ginger White, an Atlanta businesswoman, says she's carried on a sexual relationship with with Herman Cain for… » 11/28/11 10:20pm 11/28/11 10:20pm

Michele Bachmann's Book Hopes To Distract From Fact That Michele…

All 206 pages of Michele Bachmann's book are hitting stores on Monday. Her campaign hopes the volume, with the Lifetime Original Movie-ready title Courage of Conviction, will boost her campaign's profile and provide the boost she needs to come from behind to nab the Republican Presidential nomination. This is a great… » 11/16/11 1:20pm 11/16/11 1:20pm