A man who tried to cover two women in poop on New York’s Upper East Side has been caught. That being said, I’m still out of this city.

A man on Manhattan’s Upper East Side attempted to shove a bag of poop down a woman’s shorts on Monday. I can’t live here anymore, bye.

On a visit to Gino’s Pizzeria in Howard Beach, Queens on Wednesday, an irritable and apparently disturbed man from Ohio ate a slice of pizza with a knife and fork. He was ridiculed far and wide, because you can’t do that. On Thursday morning, he went on Good Morning America to explain himself.

In the last six days, I’ve gotten dumped by a good friend and had a major spiritual breakthrough.

There’s a special sting in losing your home state, and Marco Rubio has all the time in the world to feel it tonight after announcing he will “suspend” his bid for the White House. The GOP race is officially down to only the most hideous choices, a.k.a. the only ones Republican voters will apparently consider.

“Let me stop you there before you speak,” sings Meghan Trainor, in her boldly meta new single “No,” which is a sonic departure for the artist—reminiscent of the Y2K pop era, rather than the ‘60s—but otherwise aesthetically consistent with the rest of Trainor’s oeuvre in the way its vibe is sort of “haunted wing of…

A radio host from Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia has set up a website called Cape Breton If Trump Wins to pitch the beautiful yet underpopulated island to terrified liberals. So far, he has received hundreds of serious inquiries.

One of the most depressing things about the so-called sharing economy—the recession-induced workforce transition in which everyone hustles twice as hard to piece their shit together except for a relatively small group of selectively lazy and self-deluded individuals who rejoice in replacing all physical interactions…

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79 on Saturday. It was an apparently peaceful death, by all accounts, in his bedroom at a West Texas luxury resort after a weekend of quail hunting. He has children and grandchildren and Ruth Bader Ginsburg to mourn him; let’s not do that here. Because Scalia,…

On Wednesday at around 3 p.m., Carly Fiorina suspended her presidential campaign. She posted a lengthy statement to her Facebook page:

Welcome to hell: today Pitchfork ran a review about the debut major label album by Wet, a Brooklyn band that some of us at Jezebel like and some of us don’t, which is all very fine by the standards of human agency. Because music critics are called “music critics,” the review, by Katherine St. Asaph, was somewhat…

Ok, so. Out of all the myriad worldwide injustices readily available for consumption via the reading device of your choosing, we have elected to be outraged about a trolly editorial decision made by Cosmopolitan magazine. The print edition.

Everyone gearing up for an awesome and chilled-out weekend? Well, too bad. Because on Sunday, a rare lunar phenomenon known as the Super Blood Moon is occurring, and it means in no uncertain terms that the end of days is coming. Forget the hundreds of other times when the world was definitely ending—this Sunday is 100…

Join me as I negotiate, firsthand, the ins and outs of the United States legal system.

Penelope Trunk, the formerly respected career blogger whose brand of unflinching pragmatism began veering into a quite dark place around a half-decade ago—when she 1) live-tweeted a miscarriage during a board meeting 2) posted nude photos of her bruised body after an alleged, shocking incident of domestic violence 3)…