Imagine Sarah Palin in the White House

Sarah Palin may soon exchange her current occupation as professional rambler for another more structured job as the second hand to a shouting, shriveled piece of dried mango.
Put Ben Carson on the Penny and Call it the Benny
Former presidential candidate Ben Carson, who’s still 100-percent worthy of my love, doesn’t understand why we have to boot Andrew Jackson from the front of the $20 bill in favor of Harriet Tubman. Why not put her on a lesser bill to match her subservient position? Perhaps a bill that’s barely in circulation?
Ted Cruz's Night of Humiliation Continues as He Loses to Ben Carson in New York District
It’s been a rough night for Ted Cruz. Across the state of New York, he’s almost guaranteed to come in last place of the three remaining candidates. And in at least one district in Westchester, Ted Cruz coming in last of the remaining candidates and someone who isn’t even running anymore.
A Brief History of Ben Carson Being the Worst Campaign Surrogate Ever
Ben Carson’s tepid endorsement of Donald Trump is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Each time he appears on Trump’s behalf to argue the case for a Trump presidency, he drives the point home a little further—not even Trump’s official supporters can muster real enthusiasm for an orange, white and blue America.
Ben Carson: In Trump's Defense, He Didn't Think at All Before Saying Abortion Should Be Penalized
On Thursday, Donald Trump, a disturbingly old Dennis the Menace impersonator, suggested that maybe abortions should be illegal and women who have them should be punished. He then semi-backtracked. Last night on CNN, Ben Carson, his most half-hearted endorser, argued that, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think at all…
Carson: There Could Be More Violence At Trump Rallies If Protesters Keep 'Escalating'
Sleepiest badger Ben Carson roused himself early Monday morning to appear on some morning shows, where he defended his new BFF Donald Trump, claiming that violence at his rallies was the fault of protesters alone. On MSNBC’s Morning Joe, he called upon protesters at Trump rallies to engage in “civil discussion.” Just…
All The Insults Donald Trump Has Tweeted About Ben Carson, Who's Now Endorsing Him
On Friday morning, man perpetually waking up from a five-hour nap Ben Carson endorsed former rival Donald Trump. The endorsement took place at a Trump-owned country club in Florida. Heartwarming! And also, while we’re here, a very good time to look back on all the nice things Donald Trump has said about his newest…
Congrats to Ben Carson, New President of Christian America
Ben Carson materialized at CPAC late Friday afternoon, where he announced he’s suspending his presidential campaign. He also announced that he, like many Americans, has a new job, as national chairman of a nonprofit called My Faith Votes, aimed at inspiring Christians to vote. Politico first reported yesterday that…
CPAC Mental Health Check-In: Ben Carson's Campaign Swag Reminds Us of Our Own Mortality
We’re here at the Conservative Political Action Conference 2016. Here are some regular updates about how we’re feeling about that, emotionally.
A Hymn for the Sleepiest Also-Ran in American History, Dr. Ben Carson
On Wednesday, following an achingly depressing Super Tuesday showing, Ben Carson released a statement suggesting defeat.
Here Is One Man's Jazz Interpretation of Clinton, Trump, Sanders & Carson
This raging carnival of an election cycle has provided endless fodder for creative takes, from fan fiction to outsider art. America’s latest addition to this inspiring shitshow comes from jazz pianist Marcus Roberts (and his Sextet), who was so inspired by the candidates he has composed a song for each of them,…
CNN Obliterates Ted Cruz For 'Flat-Out Lying' About Their Reporting, Again
Ted Cruz’s latest enemy hates him about as much as his own daughter does—and it’s not even another presidential candidate.
Today, Candy Carson Destroyed a Friendship
On Saturday morning, Ben Carson greeted and thanked a few of his remaining campaign volunteers in his Manchester, New Hampshire headquarters. Jezebel was not allowed to witness that meeting, because the space had “reached capacity,” but we were permitted to wait in the front hallway, where Carson and his wife, Candy,…
Ben Carson's Campaign Gently Death Rattles as He Runs Home For Clean Clothes
Ben Carson, a gentle salamander with a tremendously odd manner, isn’t doing so great, campaign-wise, having just cut 50 staff jobs, or about half of his campaign staff. But he does have clean suits, which seems to be quite important to him.
Ben Carson Will Return Home to Florida After Iowa Caucuses
Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson will return home to Florida after the Iowa caucuses on Monday, February 1.
Pour Yourself a Stiff Drink, Here’s Your Open Thread for 2016’s First GOP Debate
Gather ‘round everyone, it’s the first Republican presidential debate of 2016! Taking place in Charleston, South Carolina, this debate — the SIXTH one we’ve had to endure — will feature the lowest amount of candidates on the stage thus far. Since Carly Fiorina and Rand Paul were bumped down to the earlier undercard…
