news roundup

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Hates His Nose In This Picture

• Khalid Sheikh Mohammed thinks the courtroom artist drew his nose too wide. He lost a bunch of weight on the Guantanamo diet and totally turns out to be one of those secretly vain terror masterminds. [USA Today]
• This will shock you: Bob Dylan is voting for Barack Obama. Okay, I was kidding about the shocked part. [Times]
• There was this whole movement afoot to strongarm Barry into picking Hillary over some of his other bros but I think Hillary took a step back and said, "You know, this is bullshit, I don't care anymore, if he wants me he wants me," and although the hardest part about doing that is always the realization that he's probably gonna be all "It ain't me babe," I'm glad she did that. [NY Times]
• You just have to accept that in the Catholic Church shit takes awhile, and that if a priest is accused of pedophilia it might take a few years or even decades to remove him. Now, if he mocks Hillary Clinton and it ends up on YouTube, on the other hand, now that is when you gotta sever all ties right away. [Chicago Tribune] [The Root]
• Well this is a new one: alcohol cutting your risk of arthritis. I pretty much always thought gout was arthritis, and that you get that from wine, so this is pretty awesome news, not that I would even notice I had arthritis what with the shakes and whatnot. [BBC]

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news roundup

Jeremiah Wright: Still The Least Of Our Problems, But Our Problems Kind Of Suck

• "He's obviously a well-educated, sincere man who has done good work in building Trinity United Church of Christ. But, to borrow a phrase that Wright might have used in one of his sermons, his rant at the Press Club demonstrates, that he is also a damn fool." [TheRoot]
  
• Surely I wasn't the only one who detected some philosophical ideological undertones to the Lauren Conrad-Heidi Montag feud, but both actually turn out to support bombing Iran. [NY Mag]
  
• Perhaps because Iran recently condemned Barbie dolls. [NYT]
  
• The Fed's bailout of Bear Stearns is the "worst policy mistake of the generation." Well, I mean, we pointed that out already, but when a former Fed head of monetary affairs says so it's apparently "news." [WSJ]
  
• It was a real delusion. It was like [former New York Gov. Eliot] Spitzer: "I am doing something dangerous, but because of who I am, and how smart I am, it is not going to come back to haunt me." -89-year-old financial manager and historian Peter Bernstein. [WSJ]
  
• And now we've got 18.6 million vacant homes on our hands! [Wonkette]

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jezenomics

Tiffany Sales Could Save The Economy, But It's Probably Too Late For "Gross National Happiness"

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the Gross Domestic Product? You might be tempted to say "no," and scroll down hoping for the next picture of Shiloh Jolie-PItt, but the fact is that you will probably vote in November, and probably for the candidate you most trust to stave off this "recession" and the definition of recession is two consecutive quarters of a contraction in the Gross Domestic Product, which is to say, the aggregate sum of all the goods and services purchased in America, and that is why I am here to tell you that the Gross Domestic Product is kind of a fraud. I say this because I have been watching CNBC, the business news network, for the past several hours and in the midst of a financial crisis that is supposed to be shaking American capitalism at its foundation they have spent a preposterously inordinate amount of time on an unexpectedly positive earnings forecast from Tiffany.
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news roundup

Dear Ben: Seriously, Next Time, F*** Wall Street.

Today the Federal Reserve, hot on the heels of saving Wall Street, elected to cut interest rates once again, by 75 basis points. And while the stock market had a screaming orgasm over this, I did not personally think it was such a great move. Herewith, a dissenting opinion.

Fuck the Street. Please, Ben Bernanke, just fuck them. Raise interest rates to fucking 10% for the month if you must, just to master cleanse all those fuckers of their liquidity addictions. And seriously, that $30 billion in cash you promised JP Morgan? Fuck that. Just text Jamie Dimon tomorrow afternoon and say you can't make it, maybe he can find some sovereign growth sugar daddies in one of the Emirates or maybe China? I mean, China's got all the jobs now anyway, they might as well control a few more multinational companies in the lead-up to the Olympics, right? They'll probably even overpay for them, what with all this Tibet noise. But really, how hard can it be to scrounge up $30 billion if Goldman managed to cough up $21 billion on Christmas bonuses? Anyway, like I said, not your concern; fuck them. I wouldn't say this if I hadn't thought about it at least as hard as the average overleveraged hedge fund short-seller when he pushed down on the panic button that got us into this mess, Ben Bernanke.

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crappy hour

Happy Non-St. Pat's Day, Folks! The World Is Currently Ending

How was your weekend? Hey! Guess who cares; no one. Fucking End Times came while you were drinking green beer or whatever, to the point that I shouldn't have to bait you with the fact that the McGreeveys HAD HARD CORE INTENSE BUTT SEX ORGIES WITH MARGARITAS/ POTATO SKIN PLATTERS AT T.G.I.FRIDAYS. But there I go baiting you! Okay, seriously though: did you know today is not St. Patrick's Day? No, the Vatican foresaw that everyone would be drinking heavily anyway today and rescheduled it so it wouldn't conflict with the collapse of the American financial system/China's control over its populace/numerous buildings. In other news, John McCain is taking some soothing R&R in Iraq. Will Spielberg and the Beastie Boys and the rest of the "Dalai clique" spoil the Olympics for China? Will the Fed bail me out in the event of a liquidity crisis in approx four weeks? Why can't I get in on Bear Stearns at two bucks a share? All that and odds on Laura Bush dropping her cookie sheet to call up Hu Jintao on behalf of her precious hot monks with me and Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier. JUMP. More »

news roundup

Paul Rudd Located! At Obama Rally In...Kansas City?

• The New York Post endorses Barack Obama — for the primary. [NY Post]
  
• Snoop Dogg and onetime ANTM contestant Kelle Jacob, meanwhile, remain undecided.
  
• From the tip jar: "FYI...I know why Paul Rudd wasn't at his crappy movie premiere last night...though I don't have any photographic evidence (yet!), I saw him with my own eyes at the Obama rally in Kansas City! He is shorter in person then one would expect..."
  
• "My advice: Make sure that your personal and tax records are secure. Also, get a shredder, and use it... Never assume your home is a safe haven" That's Kathleen Willey, offering her own form of support to Barack Obama. [ABC News]
  
• New polls say McCain would beat Obama or Hillary in a general election, though that is only slightly more meaningful than those polls that were saying the same thing about Rudy a few months back. You remember, when McCain's campaign was totally bankrupt/moribund/etc. [Rasmussen]
  
• Jesus Christ another rate cut? [Wash Post]
  
• On Meghan McCain's playlist right now: "It's A Shame About Ray." Less so about Rudy, eh? [McCain Blogette]

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