Bacon-Weilding Old Lady Fights Off Thief With Meat
In Manchester, England, an elderly woman batted away a mugger with her groceries, namely a particularly hardcore packet of bacon.
FBI Offering Reward for Info on Vandal Who Wrapped Bacon Around Mosque Door Handles
The FBI is offering a $5,000 reward for anyone who can provide information about a man seen on a surveillance video wrapping bacon around the door handles of a Las Vegas mosque. The vandal was also seen on video popping a piece of raw bacon into his mouth as he worked, so perhaps they ought to be looking around for an…
Brace For Emails From Your Mom About Carcinogenic Bacon
Any moment now, you should be receiving a concerned email from your mom, urging you to cut back on your consumption of processed meats because the WHO is now claiming that bacon and its ilk are basically cancer meat. But—to be fair—it’s delicious cancer meat.
Oscar Mayer's Turkey Bacon Is Trying to Kill You
Today in things that are trying to kill you: 2 million pounds of Oscar Mayer turkey bacon are being recalled.
Ted Cruz Cooks Bacon On Machine Gun In Effort To Prove He Is Manly & Fun
Ted Cruz has done a number of garbage publicity stunts in his fairly brief presidential campaign designed to brainwash us into thinking he is a normal, likable man and not a Texas sewer weasel.
Woman Shoots Up a McDonald's Because of a Burger; Is Headed to McJail
If someone asks for bacon on their burger, that means they want bacon on their burger. Capiche?
Men Are From Bacon, Women Are From Lemons
Did you know men and women are different, because they are. They are so different that they even like different things. Men like meat, visual stuff. Women like lemons, feelings. It's a wonder it ever works, because meat and pictures and lemons and feelings go together like a tornado in a teacup without any good smells…
Bacon Declares Feelings for Egg in Love Actually-Style Gif
It's official: Love Actually is everywhere. Even on the Denny's Tumblr. Yes, Denny's has a Tumblr. That's the provenance of this gif, in which a strip of bacon professes its love for an egg.
Bacon Mania Has Gone Too Far. Again. Please Stop.
As foods go, bacon is pretty good. It's the best of the breakfast meats, it makes a tasty baked-potato topping and it's a nice addition to a gourmet chocolate bar.
This Hilarious Bacon Commercial Perfectly Spoofs Stupid Diamond Ads
"Cut, color, cure, consistency: These are the four factors of the Oscar Mayer original strip. When it's time for the ultimate expression of love, say it on a plate." Get rid of just a few words in that copy and you're basically listening to someone try to shill you some shiny rocks. But no, it's Oscar Mayer (via some…
105-Year-Old Woman May Have Found the Elixir of Life: Bacon
Pearl Cantrell celebrated her 105th birthday this week. Having outlived three of her seven children as well as her husband, she's lived a long and fruitful life. Her daughter Anno says that even after a 100 years, Pearl is still very active and loves to dance. Though the Texan woman's optimistic outlook on life and…
Be Clog Our Hearts: Nick Offerman Does a Slam Poem About Bacon
All of the best art comes from a deeply personal place so it's no surprise that Nick Offerman's slam poem about bacon is profoundly moving. Snaps all around for Ron Fucking Swanson.
If Nutella and Bacon Were Running Against Each Other for President, Who Would You Vote For?
It's election season, American voters, and you know what that means — everything will be compared with everything else, starting, of course, with Nutella vs. bacon. Red carpet perambulators at the VMAs certainly offered their own flummoxed opinions about which food product constituted the yummier snack, but it's not…
Bacon Dangler Needed ASAP
If you live near Decatur, Georgia, and want to make $10 a mile dangling bacon while jogging in front of someone aspiring to be "alternative school skinny," contact this Craigslist poster:
Bacon Will Totally Kill You
Sorry, Woody Allen. It's the future, and red meat is still bad for you. According to a new study, even a little bit will make you die sooner. And bacon is especially fatal.
How Many Breakfasts Can One Person Be Expected to Eat?
Remember back in the good old days when breakfast was a proper meal eaten around a kitchen table adorned with a pitcher brimming with OJ and a vase full of fresh flowers? Sausage links glistened under the rays of sunlight that streamed in, and butter was smeared all over pancakes without fear of clogging one's…
Republican Politician Offers a Heartwarming Defense of Gay Marriage
These days it feels like a miracle when you find a sane-sounding Republican willing to go against the party line, which is why this speech by Washington State Representative Maureen Walsh feels quite remarkable. Walsh, a Republican from Walla Walla, spoke yesterday in support of the marriage equality bill being…
Be A True Bacon Lover With Baconlube
A few years ago J&D's, the makers of BaconSalt and Baconnaise, posted an ad for Baconlube as an April Fool's Day joke. The company tried to move on, but as they explain, "People harassed us via email, in public and in highly inappropriate ways (thanks for that). The waiting list grew to over 3,000 people. Expectations…
You Probably Already Have Pork-Cat Syndrome
Do your eyes water when you're around adorable kitties? Does your throat swell shut when it's in proximity to delicious, delicious bacon? You may have an increasingly common allergy/The Internet's worst nightmare realized: pork-cat syndrome.
