Award-nominated actors, you might as well give up telling self-deprecating jokes in the mirror and put down the quote books you're mining for award speech inspiration; you're never going to top the speech Emma Thompson gave at last night's National Board of Review Gala, or the bomb-ass intro Meryl Streep gave for her.…

It's the Grammys! When famous people get drunk and then collect awards for being pretty, and the musicians who wrote their songs watch on the TV in Sweden. JK, it's a bunch of talented, attractive people hugging it out. And you never know what could happen, remember Adele's Rolling in the Deep performance last year?…

What? Even more movies that deserved recognition from the Oscars and didn't get any? Say it ain't so! In the future, to be safe, let's automatically evenly distribute awards between HANNA, Coach Taylor, Tilda Swinton, Ryan Gosling and Alan Rickman. Cool? Cool.

The ladies of Bridesmaids presented a few awards tonight and, what a surprise, they were funny! First, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig engaged in some good old-fashioned wiener gab and then there was the welcomed return of everyone's favorite award show drinking game. SCORSESE!

Rumored-pee drinker Nick Nolte has successfully completed his transformation into a senile mountain Santa Claus.

Look, Maya Rudolph. We would love to pay attention to how funny you are and how good you look, but you are being photobombed by a nun right now and sister is mugging. She's completely stealing your thunder. She appears about 30 seconds in. Why is she there? Do you think she knows Christopher Plummer from The Sound…

Wow, there were a lot of very impressive woman-directed films this year, none of which got Best Director nominations. But, hey, at least the Academy is recognizing dark horses like Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen. That's some sort of progress, right?

What a surprise! They fail remarkably, with only The Help and The Descendents getting a clear pass. Come the fuck on, Hollywood.

Miss Piggy killed it on the BAFTA red carpet this weekend, turning celebrities like Jon Hamm, Daniel Radcliffe, Chris O'Dowd and Viola Davis into starstruck puddles. Wait, our award shows get Billy Bush and English award shows get the Muppets?! We never should have gone indie.

Well, this is depressing. After what seemed like 17 identical spasmodic performances and a Grammy award for Best R&B album, a contingent of Chris Brown's female fans took to Twitter last night to congratulate and compliment the famously punch-happy singer— by offering themselves up for celebratory beatings. And all on…