Everyone Taunts a Muslim Woman At 'Ugly' Conservative Benghazi Panel

How's this for a Downworthy headline? Earlier this week, the conservative Heritage Foundation sponsored a panel discussion on #Benghazi and a Muslim woman wearing a headscarf asked the panelists a question. What happened next will truly fulfill every negative conservative stereotype you can imagine. » 6/17/14 9:50am 6/17/14 9:50am

A County-by-County Map of America's Ethnic Roots

The Washington Post has come out with a map that shows the dominant racial ancestry in the United States' 3144 counties. Some results are not surprising: Did you know that there are a lot of Irish people in Boston? It's not a surprise to see African Americans dominate the South and Mexicans dominate the border… » 4/18/14 4:00pm 4/18/14 4:00pm

Rush Limbaugh Has Written a Terrible Magic School Bus Rip-Off for Kids

Since Rush Limbaugh can do very little that is not worthy of immediate and unstinting public ridicule, he has gone ahead and written a children’s book about a suspiciously-named protagonist, a substitute teacher named “Rush Revere” who kidnaps some students in a time machine so he can teach them about the… » 9/05/13 9:10pm 9/05/13 9:10pm

Labor Day Is a Scam To Keep You Poor and Miserable Forever

Labor Day is a complete rip-off. Labor isn't celebrated at all—instead, a single day's break from labor is celebrated. You might think this is a stupid thing to care about, because Labor Day is really just about getting drunk in your yard, again. But that's actually evidence of this very successful con job pulled on… » 9/02/13 1:35pm 9/02/13 1:35pm

Un-American Americans Are Cutting Back on Drinking Soda

America's three biggest soda companies, Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Dr. Pepper Snapple Group, have reported declining sales in the last quarter. And though it may seem that health-conscious Americans are probably opting for the diet versions of their favorite speshal juice, it's actually the diet versions of sodas that are… » 7/25/13 2:40pm 7/25/13 2:40pm

British People Are Consistently Dour, Survey Suggests

Since this item comes to us trippingly off of the tongue of the Daily Mail, feel free to take it with as many grains of salt as you think is wise given your hypertension, but a new survey of 20,000 cloudy-browed Britons and sunny-side-up Americans has found that Americans are really friendly and optimistic, while… » 6/22/13 3:30pm 6/22/13 3:30pm

Senator Wants to Force New Immigrants to Speak English USA! USA! USA!

Florida Senator and varsity-level combover artist Marco Rubio has taken a break from his busy schedule of practicing "I'm Very Concerned" facial expressions in a mirror to introduce proposed changes to immigration reform legislation that would strengthen the requirement that aspirant US citizens demonstrate… » 6/11/13 12:30pm 6/11/13 12:30pm

Pregnant Women Everywhere Are Being Bullied Into Having C-Sections

A pregnant woman in Ireland who is is two weeks overdue, according to her records at Waterford Regional Hospital, was taken to High Court after refusing the C-section procedure recommended by hospital staff. The woman, who insists that her due date is actually March 18th, in contradiction with the… » 3/09/13 5:45pm 3/09/13 5:45pm

The First Thanksgiving Was an Especially Drunken and Smelly Affair

As we all prepare to endure various forms of emotional bludgeoning and familial gluttony in a few days, it's important to remember that our culture has done its darndest to scrub the Thanksgiving origin story clean, or at least cleaner than the Pilgrims (who eschewed bathing because, long story short, Christianity… » 11/18/12 2:30pm 11/18/12 2:30pm

Gabby Douglas Scores Perfect 10 on Challenging 'Pledge of Allegiance'…

Olympic double gold medalist and cute-as-a-button living American Girl doll Gabby Douglas led the Democratic National Convention in the Pledge of Allegiance yesterday. She did not flip onto or off of the stage, and despite the fact that NBC gymnastics analyst Elfi Schlegel speculated in a concerned, hushed voice that… » 9/06/12 12:20pm 9/06/12 12:20pm