Rush Limbaugh Has Written a Terrible Magic School Bus Rip-Off for Kids

Since Rush Limbaugh can do very little that is not worthy of immediate and unstinting public ridicule, he has gone ahead and written a children’s book about a suspiciously-named protagonist, a substitute teacher named “Rush Revere” who kidnaps some students in a time machine so he can teach them about the… » 9/05/13 9:10pm 9/05/13 9:10pm

Labor Day Is a Scam To Keep You Poor and Miserable Forever

Labor Day is a complete rip-off. Labor isn't celebrated at all—instead, a single day's break from labor is celebrated. You might think this is a stupid thing to care about, because Labor Day is really just about getting drunk in your yard, again. But that's actually evidence of this very successful con job pulled on… » 9/02/13 1:35pm 9/02/13 1:35pm

Un-American Americans Are Cutting Back on Drinking Soda

America's three biggest soda companies, Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Dr. Pepper Snapple Group, have reported declining sales in the last quarter. And though it may seem that health-conscious Americans are probably opting for the diet versions of their favorite speshal juice, it's actually the diet versions of sodas that are… » 7/25/13 2:40pm 7/25/13 2:40pm

British People Are Consistently Dour, Survey Suggests

Since this item comes to us trippingly off of the tongue of the Daily Mail, feel free to take it with as many grains of salt as you think is wise given your hypertension, but a new survey of 20,000 cloudy-browed Britons and sunny-side-up Americans has found that Americans are really friendly and optimistic, while… » 6/22/13 3:30pm 6/22/13 3:30pm

Senator Wants to Force New Immigrants to Speak English USA! USA! USA!

Florida Senator and varsity-level combover artist Marco Rubio has taken a break from his busy schedule of practicing "I'm Very Concerned" facial expressions in a mirror to introduce proposed changes to immigration reform legislation that would strengthen the requirement that aspirant US citizens demonstrate proficiency… » 6/11/13 12:30pm 6/11/13 12:30pm

The Problem With White Dolls

I met my first Cabbage Patch Kid at show-and-tell in Kindergarten. Julie Jones brought in the cherubic April Lynn and passed her around. There must've been something slightly creepy about the way I fondled the doll's shiny plastic head and crunchy blond ringlets because before my time was up, Julie snatched her out of… » 3/27/13 11:40am 3/27/13 11:40am

Pregnant Women Everywhere Are Being Bullied Into Having C-Sections

A pregnant woman in Ireland who is is two weeks overdue, according to her records at Waterford Regional Hospital, was taken to High Court after refusing the C-section procedure recommended by hospital staff. The woman, who insists that her due date is actually March 18th, in contradiction with the medically-determined… » 3/09/13 5:45pm 3/09/13 5:45pm

The First Thanksgiving Was an Especially Drunken and Smelly Affair

As we all prepare to endure various forms of emotional bludgeoning and familial gluttony in a few days, it's important to remember that our culture has done its darndest to scrub the Thanksgiving origin story clean, or at least cleaner than the Pilgrims (who eschewed bathing because, long story short, Christianity… » 11/18/12 2:30pm 11/18/12 2:30pm

Gabby Douglas Scores Perfect 10 on Challenging 'Pledge of Allegiance'…

Olympic double gold medalist and cute-as-a-button living American Girl doll Gabby Douglas led the Democratic National Convention in the Pledge of Allegiance yesterday. She did not flip onto or off of the stage, and despite the fact that NBC gymnastics analyst Elfi Schlegel speculated in a concerned, hushed voice that… » 9/06/12 12:20pm 9/06/12 12:20pm

More Than Half the Country Has "No Doubt" That God Is Real

I never went to church and my parents never went to church, so I don't know much, but apparently God is this dude who sits on a cloud all day and gets mad at us for doing totally normal stuff that He invented for us to do. And there's no proof that He exists, but that's the catch—the "proof" that he exists is the fact… » 6/25/12 7:00pm 6/25/12 7:00pm

Chagas: The Scary Disease Some Are Calling the New AIDS

Just when it seemed like all the super scary diseases had been discovered—flesh-eating bacteria, brain tapeworms, and, of course, HIV/AIDS, among many others—a new one comes along to bring fresh terror into our hearts. Introducing Chagas disease, which is caused by parasites that get into our bodies by way of… » 5/29/12 10:00pm 5/29/12 10:00pm

Want to Have Sex with a Surgically Enhanced Penis? Visit Beautiful…

According to the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the United States boast the most cosmetic surgery procedures in the world (3.3 million! Woooooooo!!!), because we are obviously the best at being #1. However, adjusted for population and Joan Rivers, it turns out that it's actually South Korea that… » 4/23/12 6:00pm 4/23/12 6:00pm