BREAKING: Esquire Declares 42-Year-Old Women Now Fuckable

Why, used to be, a woman at the age of 42 could hardly be glanced at, much less taken to bed and ravaged shame-free in broad daylight. No longer. Esquire has sent word across all channels that 42-year-old women have been removed from the Do Not Bang list and are no longer off-limits to respectable men. In other news,… » 7/10/14 4:00pm 7/10/14 4:00pm

'Looking Your Age' Has Lost All Meaning

Our lives are reflected on our faces, so the saying goes, but some of us, by healthful living or good genetic luck, seem to dodge the bullet of life-face impact. In other words, we don't look our age. But what does that really mean? What does any one age look like? And when you're told you look good for your age, are… » 4/22/14 12:40pm 4/22/14 12:40pm

Watch This Little Baby Age 14 Years in 4 Minutes

Nothing is quite so paradoxically intimate and alien as the aging process. We are ourselves—we know that—but which self are we? I know that when I am 75 I will still be Lindy, but even now, at 32, the "me" I see in my head is a chimera: my 16-year-old body, my 26-year-old energy, my 9-year-old confidence, the… » 4/14/14 3:30pm 4/14/14 3:30pm

Rejoice: 'Dressing Your Age' Is Dead

A few months ago, I had a couple of hours to kill after work and found myself wandering over to the TopShop a few blocks from work and, as I sometimes tend to do, wasting time by trying on clothing weirder than anything I currently own. It's fun in a movie montage-type way, finding out whether I can pull off a boxy… » 2/07/14 11:20am 2/07/14 11:20am

Eight Haggy Things You're Doing to Look Like an Old Hag

How can we as a society tolerate you if you have the temerity to conduct your life in such a way that the appearance of your corporeal being actually corresponds with the number of years you've existed on earth? It's as if no one told you that the eight things you're doing nearly every day to feel better are… » 2/06/14 6:15pm 2/06/14 6:15pm

Women in Their 70s Say They're Having Way Hotter Sex Than You

This past October, I got the chance to meet Jane Fonda and also stand next to her and hug her and be in close proximity to her shiny, perfect hair. From the moment she walked in the room I had to suppress the urge to scream, "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO PRETTY," right in Jane Fonda's 76-year-old face—silently chastising… » 2/05/14 6:00pm 2/05/14 6:00pm

Old People Ruin My Dreams of a Sedentary Life

You know, I've always been excited about being old because I thought I could be like my grandmother: relaxed, full of life, smoking a cigarette from a bitch stick while calling the police on my neighbors, but then these people come along and mess up my entire fantasy. Now I have to dance? I don't even have the energy… » 12/04/13 9:45am 12/04/13 9:45am

Boobs Age Faster Than the Rest of Your Body, Because Nature Is a Dick

Back when I was in my early 20s, before I became the proud, dazzling, professional, skirt-suited woman-scholar that I am today (i.e. a hungry, unshowered, still-in-bed hangover-crone who's only managed to make it to semi-vertical today despite having had to pee for literally four hours), I used to make this joke in… » 10/22/13 10:40am 10/22/13 10:40am

Hollywood's Bizarre War Against Baldness Involves Scalp Tattoos

It's well established that Hollywood's all-consuming obsession with having the smooth and wrinkle-free skin of an infant or young child, the luscious pelt of an young otter, and the calculating, bitter heart of a sea witch has birthed scores of bizarre cosmetic surgery procedures. It basically goes without saying that… » 10/04/13 1:30pm 10/04/13 1:30pm