Rejoice: 'Dressing Your Age' Is Dead

A few months ago, I had a couple of hours to kill after work and found myself wandering over to the TopShop a few blocks from work and, as I sometimes tend to do, wasting time by trying on clothing weirder than anything I currently own. It's fun in a movie montage-type way, finding out whether I can pull off a boxy… » 2/07/14 11:20am 2/07/14 11:20am

Women in Their 70s Say They're Having Way Hotter Sex Than You

This past October, I got the chance to meet Jane Fonda and also stand next to her and hug her and be in close proximity to her shiny, perfect hair. From the moment she walked in the room I had to suppress the urge to scream, "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO PRETTY," right in Jane Fonda's 76-year-old face—silently chastising myself … » 2/05/14 6:00pm 2/05/14 6:00pm

You Don't Have to Be French to Be Sexy

Pop quiz: If a woman looks old + sexy and no one is around to validate her, does she still emit a breathy whimper? No really, in order to be sexy, who has to "agree" that you're sexy? Any passing stranger? A panel of Russian judges? The answer is one person, and one person only: You. The rest is sexy magic. And you don't … » 2/04/14 10:20am 2/04/14 10:20am

Boobs Age Faster Than the Rest of Your Body, Because Nature Is a Dick

Back when I was in my early 20s, before I became the proud, dazzling, professional, skirt-suited woman-scholar that I am today (i.e. a hungry, unshowered, still-in-bed hangover-crone who's only managed to make it to semi-vertical today despite having had to pee for literally four hours), I used to make this joke in… » 10/22/13 10:40am 10/22/13 10:40am

Hollywood's Bizarre War Against Baldness Involves Scalp Tattoos

It's well established that Hollywood's all-consuming obsession with having the smooth and wrinkle-free skin of an infant or young child, the luscious pelt of an young otter, and the calculating, bitter heart of a sea witch has birthed scores of bizarre cosmetic surgery procedures. It basically goes without saying that… » 10/04/13 1:30pm 10/04/13 1:30pm

Elizabeth Wurtzel's Rant About Millennials Is Magnificently Incoherent

Elizabeth Wurtzel is pissed at today's youth—which she dubs "the lamest generation"—because they suck at being in their 20s. And she should know, because she's 46. Or something? Also, she finds Lena Dunham's thighs "inexcusable." Can 60 Minutes just give her Andy Rooney's vacated segment already? » 9/30/13 12:00pm 9/30/13 12:00pm

Here's Proof That Not Washing Your Face Is Totally Disgusting

Confession, guys: unless I'm in the shower and I feel particularly grimy that day, I rarely wash my face. I figured my face skin was sort of like dirty laundry — if stuff lays around for long enough, everything just kind of cleans itself (I realize, typing this out, that my logic is flawed). Anyway, long story short,… » 9/19/13 5:30pm 9/19/13 5:30pm

The 'Experts' Who Claim Old Age Eases Hangovers Are Lying Liars

In a study of 50,000 adults published in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, Danish researchers found that people report markedly fewer hangover symptoms as they get older. And it's no small gap: Twenty-one percent of women aged 18-29 suffered nausea with a hangover compared with just three percent of…

» 9/19/13 9:30am 9/19/13 9:30am

Now You Can Get Cosmetic Fat Injected Into Your Old-Lady Hands

Huzzah. Another physical flaw for women to cash in the ol' 401k over. Conventional wisdom has long held that plastic surgery can "fix" most signs of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad female aging, but the two surefire "tells" that you're dealing with a closet crone are the neck and the hands. Now that neck lifts have… » 8/22/13 3:40pm 8/22/13 3:40pm

Great News for Ladies Who Like Sex: 'Sexual Peaks' Are Nonsense

Like all Ladies of a Certain Age, I've been inundated with the message that female sexuality and desire meet their inevitable deaths sometime around 35. (I'm 31.) Not only that, but my dang uterus is probably going to dry up around the same time, denying me the opportunity to conceive and birth a tiny, monstrous poop… » 8/15/13 2:20pm 8/15/13 2:20pm