Happy Birthday to the World's Oldest Person, Who Turned 116 Today
Misao Okawa celebrated her 116th birthday today, making her the oldest person in the world.
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Getting Older
I'm 34. I'm fat. I'm not married. I'm childless. And for those of you whose first instinct was to go "Awww" — are you kidding me? Save your deep concern for the homeless and the terminally ill, will you? Geez.
Rejoice: 'Dressing Your Age' Is Dead
A few months ago, I had a couple of hours to kill after work and found myself wandering over to the TopShop a few blocks from work and, as I sometimes tend to do, wasting time by trying on clothing weirder than anything I currently own. It's fun in a movie montage-type way, finding out whether I can pull off a boxy…
Eight Haggy Things You're Doing to Look Like an Old Hag
How can we as a society tolerate you if you have the temerity to conduct your life in such a way that the appearance of your corporeal being actually corresponds with the number of years you've existed on earth? It's as if no one told you that the eight things you're doing nearly every day to feel better are…
Women in Their 70s Say They're Having Way Hotter Sex Than You
This past October, I got the chance to meet Jane Fonda and also stand next to her and hug her and be in close proximity to her shiny, perfect hair. From the moment she walked in the room I had to suppress the urge to scream, "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO PRETTY," right in Jane Fonda's 76-year-old face—silently chastising myself …
You Don't Have to Be French to Be Sexy
Pop quiz: If a woman looks old + sexy and no one is around to validate her, does she still emit a breathy whimper? No really, in order to be sexy, who has to "agree" that you're sexy? Any passing stranger? A panel of Russian judges? The answer is one person, and one person only: You. The rest is sexy magic. And you don't …
Awesome Nursing Home Residents Dress Up as Movie Icons
The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany created a calendar, using their residents as models striking poses as some of Hollywood's most iconic movie characters.
If You Want to Get Botox, Michelle Obama Has Your Back
In accordance with her 50th birthday on Friday, Michelle Obama spoke with People magazine about her workout routine, eating right and those pesky things that crop up on your face as you age that we call wrinkles but cosmetic companies call lines.
New Drug Reverses Aging Except, of Course, Not Exactly
A new study has zeroed in on a chemical which, when elevated in mice, rejuvenated muscles, with dramatic results.
Old People Ruin My Dreams of a Sedentary Life
You know, I've always been excited about being old because I thought I could be like my grandmother: relaxed, full of life, smoking a cigarette from a bitch stick while calling the police on my neighbors, but then these people come along and mess up my entire fantasy. Now I have to dance? I don't even have the energy…
Boobs Age Faster Than the Rest of Your Body, Because Nature Is a Dick
Back when I was in my early 20s, before I became the proud, dazzling, professional, skirt-suited woman-scholar that I am today (i.e. a hungry, unshowered, still-in-bed hangover-crone who's only managed to make it to semi-vertical today despite having had to pee for literally four hours), I used to make this joke in…
I Can't Stop Watching These People Transform From Old to Young
These are mesmerizing. Life is short, man. Also, women used to really do it up right, hair-style-wise.
Hollywood's Bizarre War Against Baldness Involves Scalp Tattoos
It's well established that Hollywood's all-consuming obsession with having the smooth and wrinkle-free skin of an infant or young child, the luscious pelt of an young otter, and the calculating, bitter heart of a sea witch has birthed scores of bizarre cosmetic surgery procedures. It basically goes without saying that…
Elizabeth Wurtzel's Rant About Millennials Is Magnificently Incoherent
Elizabeth Wurtzel is pissed at today's youth—which she dubs "the lamest generation"—because they suck at being in their 20s. And she should know, because she's 46. Or something? Also, she finds Lena Dunham's thighs "inexcusable." Can 60 Minutes just give her Andy Rooney's vacated segment already?
Here's Proof That Not Washing Your Face Is Totally Disgusting
Confession, guys: unless I'm in the shower and I feel particularly grimy that day, I rarely wash my face. I figured my face skin was sort of like dirty laundry — if stuff lays around for long enough, everything just kind of cleans itself (I realize, typing this out, that my logic is flawed). Anyway, long story short,…
The 'Experts' Who Claim Old Age Eases Hangovers Are Lying Liars
In a study of 50,000 adults published in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, Danish researchers found that people report markedly fewer hangover symptoms as they get older. And it's no small gap: Twenty-one percent of women aged 18-29 suffered nausea with a hangover compared with just three percent of…
Now You Can Get Cosmetic Fat Injected Into Your Old-Lady Hands
Huzzah. Another physical flaw for women to cash in the ol' 401k over. Conventional wisdom has long held that plastic surgery can "fix" most signs of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad female aging, but the two surefire "tells" that you're dealing with a closet crone are the neck and the hands. Now that neck lifts have…
Great News for Ladies Who Like Sex: 'Sexual Peaks' Are Nonsense
Like all Ladies of a Certain Age, I've been inundated with the message that female sexuality and desire meet their inevitable deaths sometime around 35. (I'm 31.) Not only that, but my dang uterus is probably going to dry up around the same time, denying me the opportunity to conceive and birth a tiny, monstrous poop…
You're Gonna Get Sadder Until You're 50, and Then You're Gonna Get Happy
The Golden Girls didn't lie to us — getting older rules. (It's especially amazing if you have a outwardly-cruel-but-actually-sassy-n-supportive Italian ma, but that's totally not necessary.) (Also, staying sexually active probably doesn't hurt — but you knew that already, Blanche.)
Drinking From Water Bottles May Increase Wrinkles and Despair
You might think that staying hydrated can keep the inevitable haggardness at bay, but experts warn that regularly swigging from water bottles could prematurely age you.