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Donald Trump's Mosquito Struggle Just Desecrated the Memory of Bernie Sanders' Bird

Can you remember all the way back to March, when Bernie Sanders—at the time, a doofy Vermont senator who had overcome all odds by running a major campaign based on free love and free kush—was speaking at a rally in Portland, Oregon, when all of a sudden a tiny bird landed on his lectern? Have you ever been more filled…

Former Miss Universe, Called 'Ms. Housekeeping' By Trump, Comes Out to Fight the 'Great Monster' 

Donald Trump—a hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife—is known for his obsession with women in bathing suits walking around without speaking. Such a specific obsession ultimately…

A True Conversation I Had With My Very Woke Baby After Hillary Clinton's Historic Win

Last night, my two-year-old son and I watched Hillary Clinton deliver her historic victory speech on CNN, me sucking down a double bottle of Pinot Grigio through two straws I jammed together; my gifted child guzzling milk from both of my desiccated breasts. (How can I tell him no? He’s a growing boy, thirsty for…

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Listen to a Clip of Hillary Clinton's Astoundingly Prescient 1969 Commencement Speech

In 2016, Hillary Clinton has secured enough delegates to become the first woman nominee of a major political party. In 1969, Clinton-then-Rodham was the first student to ever give a commencement speech at Wellesley’s graduation. Now, the women’s college has begun posting audio clips of the speech in what is likely…

Washington Post: Hillary Clinton Needs to Start Thinking About Men's Feelings

We have seen our fair share of bad takes this election cycle—we’ve seen the personal essay (ie. “Why the Feminist Vote Is a Vote for Jeb”), the unexpected turn (ie. “You Might Think Hillary Is a Woman—Here’s Why She Isn’t”), the outrage-bait garbage (ie. “A Liberal Case for Donald Trump”) (that one’s real).