Sarah Palin Ran a Faster Marathon Than Libertarian Macho Man Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan lying about how fast he ran a marathon is kind of pathetic in the way the kid who lies and says his dad's an astronaut who lives on the moon when his dad's really an insurance salesman who lives in Ohio is pathetic. It's sad. It's unbecoming. And I guess it doesn't have much to do with politics — until you… »9/04/12 4:20pm9/04/12 4:20pm


Mitt Romney's Sons Explain More of their Dad's Totally-Not-Evil 'Pranks'

Ok, Romney family, we get it: Mitt Romney likes being mean to people and then laughing and laughing and laughing about it. His sons made that abundantly clear during their quintet appearance on Conan last night, during which they explained that their father loves Roy Orbison, Will Ferrell, and "pranks." What kind of… »6/21/12 2:20pm6/21/12 2:20pm

Mitt Romney Campaign Loves Ronald Reagan So Much that they Misspelled His Name

This first time the Romney campaign misspelled something important ("Amercia"), I chalked it up to an embarrassing (hilarious) oversight by some poor intern who was probably fired afterward and ran home crying to his McMansion in the outskirts of Provo. The second time the campaign released something flashy and… »6/07/12 1:20pm6/07/12 1:20pm

Sisters of Boy Mitt Romney Bullied Horrified by News of Cruel 'Pranks'

Following news that Mitt Romney's idea of boyish pranky hijinks actually involved hilariously pinning a gay kid to the ground and hilariously cutting his hair off while tears welled up in his eyes (hilariously!), the sisters of the bullied boy have reacted with shock and disbelief. And anger. They think the tale of… »5/11/12 1:50pm5/11/12 1:50pm

Maker of Plan B to Hold Big Contraceptapalooza Fundraiser for Mitt Romney

Zygotes are more important than women, but money is more important than zygotes. At least if you're Mitt Romney. The staunchly unstable politician, who holds the mistaken (but convenient) belief that the morning after pill causes abortions, will be holding a big, fancy fundraiser at the Florida home of the chairman of… »5/09/12 12:00pm5/09/12 12:00pm

Republican Women Just Can't Get Enough Santorum

Rick Santorum has some unlikely allies in the war on women— women. And the nuttier his public proclamations, the more conservative ladies love him. According to a new poll, the former Pennsylvania Senator's favorability rating among female conservatives has jumped 13 points since January— and its biggest jump has… »2/24/12 11:05am2/24/12 11:05am

Newt Gingrich Won't Attend Next Freestyle Debate Battle Unless Audience Will Cheer for Him

Magniloquent human fart Newt Gingrich has risen like hot air to the top of the polls in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. People who get paid to talk about politics on the teevee say that this is due to his debate performances. But now, Newt says that unless the audience is allowed to cheer after… »1/24/12 7:15pm1/24/12 7:15pm

Sarah Palin Urges Chris Christie to Unwad His Panties

Sarah Palin, Mean Queen of the Snow Machine, has a bone to pick with New Jersey's condescending prick of a governor Chris Christie. Namely, Christie called GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich an "embarrassment" to the Republican Party's principles on a weekend talk show, and that bothered Palin so much that she felt compelled… »1/24/12 6:00pm1/24/12 6:00pm

Every Headline About Rick Santorum Winning in Iowa is Disgusting

After recounting the votes in the Iowa caucuses, a bombshell from The Hawkeye State: the winner of the first contest of the primary season wasn't actually Mitt Romney, but Pennsylvania shitstain Rick Santorum. And thanks to the pervasive neologism of Santorum's name, every single headline about it is disgusting. »1/19/12 2:15pm1/19/12 2:15pm

Rick Santorum's Wife Used to Shack Up with an Abortion Provider

Rick Santorum's wife Karen has long been an ardent ally of her husband's political career. She's given birth to seven children and home schooled the lot of them so he could go off and do his politicking. She's written about how important it is to be pro life, even in the case of rape and incest. But did you know that… »1/16/12 5:50pm1/16/12 5:50pm

Michele Bachmann Accuses Journalists Of Dirty Trick: Reading Her Own Quotes Back To Her

During an TV interview this morning, Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann bristled when asked to provide insight into what, exactly, she meant when she said in a speech that gays were "sad" sufferers of "sexual dysfunction" and "a part of Satan," calling the question irrelevant gotcha journalism and refusing to… »1/03/12 7:00pm1/03/12 7:00pm

Concerned Voter Wants to Know if Newt Gingrich will Legalize Polygamy

Smirking blowhard Newt Gingrich has been threatening to run for President for decades now, and this year, he's closer than he's ever been to following through on that threat. But as the Iowa caucuses approach like a thundering herd of angry ex wives, it's been difficult for evangelicals to wrap their heads around how… »12/29/11 3:35pm12/29/11 3:35pm

Mitt Romney Is Running For America's Embarrassing Dad

In an attempt to add some more artfully wayward locks of hair to his polished pol image, former Massachusetts governor and current Iowa tourist Mitt Romney has taken making small talk with the locals he meets while on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, Romney must be used to having his undocumented lawn servants make… »12/28/11 11:25am12/28/11 11:25am

Herman Cain's Accuser Must Be Lying; She Complained About Another Thing At Another Job

Yesterday, the identity of one of two women who filed harassment complaints about Herman Cain in the 1990s was revealed. Today, it turns out that the woman, current Treasury employee Karen Kraushaar, followed up her infamous departure from Cain and the National Restaurant Association by filing a formal grievance about… »11/09/11 1:10pm11/09/11 1:10pm

Nearly 200,000 People Care Enough To Listen To Donald Trump Talk At Michele Bachmann On The Phone

The man with the hair we're supposed to ignore and the woman with the eyes we can't ignore have teamed up to have a phone conversation that we wish we could ignore. Donand Trump joined Michele Bachmann on a phone call to promote the Minnesota Congresswoman's Presidential campaign on Monday, and, as you might expect,… »10/18/11 1:00pm10/18/11 1:00pm