Spencer Pratt Has Decided His Unborn Child Will Be a 'Professional Content Maker'

By Lauren Evans  |  August 31, 2017 | 12:00am
CelebritiesDirt Bag

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have not yet given birth to their kid, but that hasn’t stopped them from plotting out the fetus’s eventual career ahead of time. Because it’s common for parents to foist their own broken dreams onto their progeny, it makes sense that Baby Pratt is destined for a future as a content creator. From Us Weekly:

This kid will have an iPhone at birth,” the reality star said on the Allegedly with Theo Von & Matthew Cole Weiss podcast on Wednesday, August 30. “I’m gonna teach this kid how to Snap when they’re born, like, ‘Put your finger here.’ You walk around, everybody’s making their own content all day long. We live in a new world where everyone’s a fame wh—e, so I’m happy to let him be at an advanced level. I would just like my baby to be a professional content maker.”
The Hills alums already gave their son a leg up by picking out his name and securing available social media handles. “We had to ditch a couple names,” Pratt added.

Far from the most perplexing thing he’s said, but a nice time nonetheless.

[Us Weekly]

Of all the failed relationships that would make for superb fanfic, Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow’s is among those that I want most badly. The two dated for several years in the ‘90s, a long while before Angelina Jolie even got with Billy Bob and a loooong while before a website instructed us to shove a jade egg up our vaginas.

Paltrow has offered various explanations for the demise of their three-year romance, the latest of which was on Sophia Amoruso’s Girlboss podcast. (It’s important to stay busy after your company fails.):

“Oh my God, I’ve fucked up so many relationships,” she said on the show. “I’m a pretty good friend and sister and daughter, but I am at my potentially most vulnerable and fucked up in the romantic slice of the pie.”

“I fucked that up, Brad,” she added.

Paltrow was 22 when she was engaged to Pitt after meeting him on the set of Seven in 1994. As she told Us in 2015:

“I was such a kid, I was 22 when we met. It’s taken me until 40 to get my head out of my ass. You can’t make that decision when you’re 22 years old…I wasn’t ready, and he was too good for me.” To sum it up, she said: “I didn’t know what I was doing.”

The article includes a 1995 photo of the pair at the “David Bowie After Show Party,” in which Pitt is wearing a white t-shirt and leather jacket and Paltrow is wearing some sort of giant sweater the color of a divorcée’s futon. I’m not here to comfort-shame anyone, but when you’re 23 in the ‘90s and you’re at a David Bowie party with the hottest man on Earth, for chrissakes, I don’t know, wear something, anything, besides a fucking sweater. You know this party took place in L.A. where it was 60 degrees at worst. At WORST.

All of which is to confirm: She did not know what she was doing. Maybe now that he’s single she’ll swap out her current Brad for the previous model. Let me dream.

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