Peeps Are Gross and Peep Donuts Are an Abomination

Just in time for Easter, Dunkin Donuts is rolling out special donuts with Peeps parked in the center. This is the most disgusting thing I've heard all week, including that 16-inch rat. It is a crime against taste and it should not be permitted by civilized society.

The New York Daily News reports that the coffee chain will debut the seasonal offering on March 31, and it comes in two varieties: "green frosting with a pink drizzle, or a strawberry frosting with a green strip." Sure. "Strawberry."

Look, I am a devoted drinker of Dunkin Donuts coffee because it's cheap and caffeinated and that's all I need. But let's face it—their donuts already taste some simulacrum of a donut from a far-future space dystopia where all food comes from 3D printers.

And now they've chosen to combine that with Peeps, the most overrated of all Easter candies. Why is it that Peeps, which are just no-taste neon sugar-bombs, get so much love in a season that brings dozens and dozens of chocolate and pastel candy treats? They're best reserved for dioramas and microwave stunts, yet business is booming. This year the Yankee Candle Company will also sell limited edition Peep-scented candles.

Who wants their house smelling like Peeps? Peeps smell like an exploded marshmallow factory! Like a natural disaster in Candy Land! That is not an acceptable scent for either the kitchen or the bathroom, the two places you typically put a scented candle!

But when you combine these two decidedly overrated foodstuffs, you reach new heights of bleeech. Where's the flavor? You might as well attempt a juice cleanse with hummingbird food. Part of the fun of eating candy until you've got a stomachache is eating the candy. Not to mention that is the color of a late-1960s bedroom, not food.

You might say, what can you expect from a donut shop that thinks it's a good idea to sell tuna salad sandwiches? Pointing out the chain's other, lesser crimes is not a defense. Do not encourage this travesty. America does not run on Dunkin. America runs to the nearest trash barrel and vomits.

Here I stand, I cannot do otherwise, God help me. Amen. Barf.

Photo via Dunkin Donuts.