Only Some Backstreet Boys Get to Go Shirtless in Their New Music Video

As of this week, there’s a rift in the Backstreet Boys. Where once they were (re)united in their goal to sell albums entirely from the mom population of America, things have changed. A.J. and Brian are on one shirtless side and Howie, Kevin and Nick are on the other very shirted side. What could have caused this rift?

It’s unclear how the decision to choose teams for “Show ‘Em (What You’re Made Of)” came about, [Ed. Note: Is there anything worse than songs that have parentheses in them? Just title the song authoritatively and without afterthoughts.] but let’s imagine that conversation went something like this:

Kevin: So the lyrics to this song we’ve been given to sing include “Clothes are off, ready to fight/Like a lion I will survive” so I think it’s pretty clear at least some of us should have our shirts off.

[All turn to look at A.J., who has entered the room shirtless]

A.J.: What?

Kevin: [Shakes head] Okay, well maybe I should –

Brian: [Interjecting] I ALSO HAVE A PRETTY FANTASTIC BODY SO I’LL GO NEXT.

Kevin: [Sadly] Agreed. And I guess that’s probably enough because we don’t want too much shirtlessness, otherwise no one will take us seriously.

Nick: What about my tattoos?! I’ve spent a lot of money on them and they really speak to the message of the song, which is to show the world what you’re all about.

Kevin: Nick, I think your shoulders look best in tank tops so let’s put you in one of those.

Nick: [Blushes]

Howie: [Continued silence, stares into space. No sign he can actually read or write, let alone talk.]