Man Caught Fucking His Bike Placed On 3-Year Probation

What trouble won’t a bike get you into these days? If you’re not falling off one and peeing your pants as you come face to face with the concept of your own mortality —shoutout to ten-year-old me — then you’re being put on probation because some prudes caught you fucking your bike in the comfort of your own hostel room. Why is modern love so hard?

Robert Stewart, affectionately dubbed “bike sex man” by the BBC News, has been placed on a three-year probation following an incident in which cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr caught him making inappropriate advances and simulating sex (wait, so was he doing it or just “haha pretend!” doing it?) on his bicycle.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.

OK, so he was totally doing it to that bike.

The cleaners and even the local Sheriff were extremely shocked by Stewart’s behavior:

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Stewart, who had lived in the hostel from 2006 but is no longer there for obvious reasons, has denied any wrongdoing with his two-pedaled (fixed gear?) friend. He claims that it was all a misunderstanding and that he had just had too much to drink. (Kinda understandable. The last time I had too much to drink I went outside and lay on the ground and just cried about how beautiful the sky looked and how air pollution was going to kill me and accidentally burned myself with a cigarette before anyone found me and made me go back into the house.)

Stewart’s name will appear on the official sex offender registry during his probation. Maybe he should have married his bike first?

Update: Robert Stewart is now likely off probation as this article, which appeared in my RSS reader today, is several years old. Like Stewart, I would like to claim this was a misunderstanding fueled by too much diet cola.