Image via me

Having allowed this small feline to live in my home gratis for approximately three and a half years and countless dollars (including a rather expensive facial surgery), the appreciation I have lately received is nothing less than a constant stream of baying and mewls sunup to sundown, with the added bonus of having to clean its crap from a litter box. (That and it’s reading the screenplay to La La Land! Is there no dignity?)

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Cats retain the capacity and right to be demanding as vehemently as any domestic animal, but feline lovers North of the Equator may have noticed their cats are even more fucking annoying than usual. Has this been happening to you? Can you relate? Well, dear beleaguered friend, I’m here to tell you why.

Domestic cats are flawed animals in that their instincts tell them they need to eat more in the winter, even when they are furry little dirtbags that force you to hand-feed them from a crystal dish like in ‘80s kibble commercials. This is why your cat is so g.d. whiny at the moment, and why you are being eaten out of house and home by this little shithead! This has nothing to do with needing to store extra fat, obviously, since your cat lives next to your radiator and barely moves; it has everything to do with the sun going down as a biological signal for lower temperatures. It’s a little flick in the brain due to evolution and, guess what, it’s driving us all up a wall! But don’t fret; this whining should end sometime around February, when the days are demonstrably longer.

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Happy catting!!!!

Two animals waiting for me to die so they can feast on my flesh until Spring’s first thaw. Image via me.