Let the Real Housewives of Orange County Show You How Not to Behave

By Kara Brown | September 13, 2016 | 8:20pm

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Other than cunt-gate, it’s taken the ladies of Orange County some time to warm up this season. However, like seasons past, all you need is a traumatic event or a health crisis to get things back on that magnificently crazed track.

Last night’s episode was some of their finest work. But before we move forward, I must now, with this blog as my witness, communicate that I was wailing at my screen through the entire episode: “WHY ARE THEY ALL TALKING ABOUT USING MAPQUEST LIKE ITS FUCKING 2005?”

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I’m almost certain everyone was using Google Maps or Apple Maps but they kept referring to their mapping application of choice as Mapquest and it was driving me completely insane!!!!

Anyway, on last night’s episode, we witnessed much of the fallout from much-hyped dune buggy accident. The women were riding around in some sort of reckless white people vehicle when they lost control and flipped over. Kelly and Heather nursed minor injuries while Tamra was taken to a local hospital and Vicki was airlifted to Palm Springs.

Exactly how bad was the accident? It didn’t look great and I do believe everyone was scared and beaten up pretty badly. Of course, no one truly knew the extent of Vicki and Tamra’s injuries until they went to the hospital but they all survived and everyone could still walk.

This gauging of the severity of the accident brings me to an important point. Last night revealed an interesting dilemma between how the cast members function simultaneously on the show and in real life. Let’s say the accident had been way worse and Tamra and Vicki had ended up in the ICU or on an operating table. It’s hard for me to believe a situation that serious would have been kept from the other cast members by the production crew.

I would argue that because the situation wasn’t life-threatening, production allowed Meghan and Shannon to learn organically. If Tamra and Vicki were going into surgery, I feel like someone would have shot everyone a text!

The DRAMA then centered around Heather’s suggestion that Meghan and Shannon, who were near Palm Springs golfing around in horrible outfits, go check in on Vicki seeing as how they are only 45 minutes away from the hospital.

Now, did Shannon and Meghan have an obligation to visit Vicki? No. Meghan and Shannon later argue they didn’t understand the severity of the accident which might be true. I think their somewhat blasé reaction to the news was informed, at least partially, by knowing that if things were really, really bad, someone from production or Bravo would have told them. At the same time, even if they didn’t think Vicki is in real danger, the question remains as to whether or not you want to look like an uncaring asshole on national television.

Shannon countered Heather’s suggestion they visit Vicki with the fact that she’s no longer friends with Vicki which, true. Meghan, however, has less ground to stand on, seeing as how she skipped on over to Vicki’s rented mansion the week before to celebrate her birthday.

On the flip side of that, I’m not convinced Kelly and Heather were completely unable to visit Vicki themselves. Heather explained how she doesn’t have access to a car—just the RV they’re staying in—and she had her son with her as well as Tamra’s children. To be fair, one of Tamra’s children is a grown man so, please, plus Tamra’s mother is there.

Kelly’s husband was also at the campsite and could have stayed with their daughter while she went to see about Vicki. Though it was two hours away, Vicki likely wasn’t going to be released within two hours. They could have gotten an Uber—or demanded that someone from production take them—if they were as worried as they claimed to be.

Basically, almost everyone came across as self-obsessed and geographically challenged but Meghan King Edmonds behaved, by far, the poorest—probably because she was taking cues from her sourpuss husband who never looks like he wants to be wherever he is at the moment.

When they all returned home, Meghan stopped by Vicki’s house to plug some of her scented candle business/eventual parting gift from Jim. Heather brilliantly noted that the drive from Meghan’s house in to Vicki’s is further than the drive she would have had to take to see Vicki in the hospital and I’ve never loved Heather more.

Meghan cried and apologized and suddenly became Vicki’s friend again despite totally acting like she don’t know her days before. She also tried to throw Tamra under the bus which is shitty. Accidents happens and putting it all on Tamra, who already feels guilty, is ugly.

Still, while Meghan was probably right to go apologize, Vicki’s own daughter suggested she might be milking her injuries in order to play the victim and get back on everyone’s good side, because the OG of the OC has been in the game for 11 seasons and she ain’t stupid. If there’s anyone who can manipulate a storyline under our noses, it’s Vicki Gunvalson.

We eventually arrive at the head to head between Heather and Meghan. Heather Dubrow truly is excellent television. She’s smart and collected enough to explain herself clearly and calmly with just the right amount if wide-eyed condescension. I assume it’s because she practices these monologues in the mirror every morning. Meghan whined that Heather was being patronizing which she totally was. People are patronizing to Meghan because she says dumb shit a lot!

Heather begrudgingly accepted the mea culpa and each woman walked away thinking she’d won the battle—of course, neither realizes we’ve already seen their behavior up to that point. There are no winners.