Oh, Jan Brewer! What a wacky, lovable scamp you'd be if it weren't for all the bigotry and egregious human rights abuses! Deflating speculation that she might challenge Arizona law and pursue a third term as governor, Brewer announced today that she's decided to call it quits. Thank fucking god.
"There does come a time to pass the torch of leadership. After completing this term in office, I will be doing just that," Brewer said in a speech at the school her children attended.
Brewer had left the door open to running for a third term even though Arizona law limits governors to two terms. She has argued that because she took over for Democrat Janet Napolitano more than halfway through Napolitano's term, she may be exempted.
Unfortunately (but unsurprisingly), Brewer's imminent vacancy has sparked fierce competition among a whole bunch of right-wing shitheads:
The lineup of declared candidates includes everyone from the former CEO of Coldstone Creamery, a former Go Daddy executive, and a mayor.
...Entering the void is a slate of Republicans of varying backgrounds and just one Democrat, Fred DuVal.
So, just in case this is the last we're going to hear from Brewer ("LOL, right" - Evil Dead Sarah Palin), let's take a stroll through all the steaming dumps she left on memory lane's sidewalk:
- The time she signed SB 1070, Arizona's anti-immigrant "show me your papers" bill, into law.
- The time she said, "I do not know what an illegal immigrant looks like," despite championing a bill that targets people who "look like" illegal immigrants.
- The time she pouted that Arizona's anti-immigrant law wasn't as awesome as Alabama's, which specifically targets schoolchildren.
- The time she said that "most" people who enter the country illegally are "drug mules."
- The time she made up some weird shit about "bodies in the desert" that are "just lying out there, that have been beheaded," because she watched too much Breaking Bad and also IMMIGRANTS.
- The time that her highest educational achievement was receiving a radiological technologist certificate from Glendale Community College, which is not inherently a bad thing, if you want to be a radiological technologist, but might explain why she has trouble doing politics without making up nonsense-shit all the time.
- The time she denied health care benefits to same sex couples because of vague, fictional, and debunked "financial reasons." (Not that any "reasons" matter, because HUMAN BEINGS.)
- The time she signed this monstrosity of a bill—the "Women's Health and Safety Act"—which redefines pregnancy as beginning two weeks before conception because apparently your womb is a Tardis or something.
- The time she signed a law to cut all taxpayer-based Planned Parenthood funding in Arizona, even for non-abortion services.
- The time she gutted resources for sexual assault victims (via the above ban on state-funded abortion and reproductive health services), while conveniently ignoring the fact that her son was accused of sexual assault.
- The time she signed this bill that allows employers to deny contraceptive coverage if it conflicts with their moral and religious views.
- The time she really took that not-letting-gay-couples-get-healthcare thing from earlier TO THE MAT.
- The time she thought it was super-rad that only some—not all!!!—of the people with access to guns go on to shoot a whole bunch of people in the head to death.
- The time she wagged her finger in the President's face.
- The time she appointed a judge who went on to set this drunken rape-cop free because he seemed like a nice dude and also the victim should really stop going outside like some sort of scarlet woman.
- The time abortion jumped 25% in her stupid abstinence-only, pro-life state.
- The time she vetoed this horrid anti-gay bill, causing Catholic League President Bill Donohue to shit every bed within a 10-mile radius. Which was actually great! Gold star, Jan Brewer! You did something not-horrible! NOW QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.