Here's That Hot Michele Bachmann Fantasy Sex Book You Didn't Ask For

Have you ever hated Michele Bachmann so much that you just want to furiously diddle yourself? Now you have a legitimate excuse to do so. Publishing company Badlands Unlimited will be releasing an erotic book based on the fiery politician for a sweaty, sticky, hot summer read.

Prepare to add another tale to your binder full of women getting nailed by politics and strapping dudes (doesn’t that already happen in real life?), because the official Michele Bachmann fantasy novel is here. Almost. The book is appropriately called Fires of Siberia and it’s set to release on June 1st. So don’t put out until then! The description that Bandlands Unlimited provided is as follows:

Presidential candidate Danielle Powers, full of firebrand pluck and red state sex appeal, has the country in a tizzy. But on an international tour to beef up her foreign policy experience, disaster ensues—her plane explodes over Siberia. Miraculously, Danielle survives, along with one other passenger—a mysterious stranger named Steadman Bass. Trapped in a wilderness of snow and ice, the two begin a journey that pushes Danielle to the brink. There she must confront her deepest self and choose between civilization and a wild, primitive ecstasy. All the while, Steadman harbors a terrible secret that threatens to destroy them both.

First things first: Steadman Bass sounds like a company that sells fishing equipment. Second observation: what secret does the fishing-rod guy nurture? Herpes? A passion for Affordable Care Act? Scoliosis? Please let it be all of the above.

It’s worth noting that Bandlands Unlimited almost exclusively publishes ebooks:

because reading an e-book on e-readers like the iPad or Kindle means you only have to use one hand to read, freeing your other hand to do whatever you please.

Perfect for anyone who’s always tried to brush her teeth whilst doing lunges whilst reading whilst masturbating. Bandlands also uses ebooks because they like gifs, which they frequently add in their books (like that seizure cake above).

According to Michele Bachmann, a lot of bad things happen because we have sinned. Translation: a certain Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota has sinned, you bad, bad girl, so get ready for this sinful fest of sin.