Environmental Protection Agency warehouse workers — who are employed by a private contractor, Apex — have recently come under fire for using taxpayer money in order to secretly construct a huge "man cave" in the agency's Washington, D.C. headquarters. According to the New York Daily News, the "man cave" contained the following:
Exercise equipment that could rival a gym's, big-screen televisions, couches, microwaves, refrigerators, pin-up photos, magazines and books… The makeshift fitness studio was perhaps the most extravagant part of the 70,000-square-foot facility, with floor tiles from storage to carpet the area and notebooks from storage to log their workouts.
Oh, I'm sorry, but isn't the EPA's job to protect environments? Okay, liberal media, it's obvious that the organization is rightfully allocating its budget. In fact, the EPA is protecting the habitat of that tragically endangered creature native to the North American continent: the heterosexual dude-bro (referred to in academic circles by its scientific name, Nohomo sapiens).
Some would argue that the heterosexual dude-bro is merely a stereotyped spectre conjured up by advertisers and Fox News pundits. Others, though, will say that it's a tender creature that is put in complete and total peril when exposed to the color pink, workplace equality, a vibrator, etc. They will also tell you that its main diet consists of steak, Carl, Jr.'s, and specially-targeted Dr. Pepper products and its traditional mating ritual involves putting on an Usher song and rubbing its abs. We are duty-bound as a nation to protect it, and the first step we must take is maintaining its natural environment with our hard-earned wages.