Drunk Threesome Leads to Crash, Broken Bones, National Security Risk

An interrupted threesome last night led to bruises and broken bones for the participants and a national security risk for the New York Port Authority when the boat the orgy participants were fornicating on crashed into runway 22 of Laguardia Airport.

This story starts out as any other tale of sex gone very, very wrong. Two men meet a woman in a bar. All three are attracted to each other. The three decide to have sex. On a boat. While cruising on the water. Sounds romantic, what could possibly go wrong?

The last time I was on a boat was when I took an ill-fated cruise with my family in 2011. I had just finished graduate school and was high off the fumes of my first year of teaching and the smell of my Schwarzenegger signed diploma. It was an awful trip, but I got to speak to the captain (my parents made me. Ugh. ) and asked him what he did when he wanted to relax — and yes, I winked. He said something about having someone take over and then made an excuse and walked away. My parents never made me talk to another authority figure again. Snaps for everyone!

Unfortunately for Craig Gallo, the owner of the boat that crashed, he had not talked to such a captain and did not know that he should not leave the helm when he wanted to engage in a sexy three-way romp. He was also very drunk, so that may have colored the situation somewhat. Nevertheless, Gallo abandoned his captain’s post and began to engage in sex when the boat, probably angry that it was being left out of the fun, crashed into a runway, ending the sex and exposing a gaping hole in the airport’s security.

For thirty minutes after the crash no one could get to the boat, which was impaled upon a lighting stanchion (probably the only thing that kept it from sinking.) The Port Authority didn’t have any crew available to dispatch (the Navy is only working during daylight hours) and finally had to ask for help from the NYPD. It’s lucky that the trespassers were just drunken people making the best of their middle year (I hope I am that cool) and not terrorists, because according to The New York Post, this situation could have been potentially very dangerous.

If those on board the love boat had been “terrorists with bad intentions, they could have easily succeeded,” a PAPD official said.

“If they had hand-held rockets, they would have had plenty of time to fire at planes.”

All three people involved in the boat sex are expected to make a full recovery. According to the NY Post, the Port Authority may not be as fortunate. This is not the first time someone has accidentally or intentionally breached the airport’s security and there is likely to be fallout from this situation.

Still, the accident does bring up a good piece of advice courtesy of the NY Post’s source: “There’s a moral here,” the source told the Post. “If you’re feeling amorous aboard a boat, I suggest you drop your anchor before you drop your pants.”