A Field Guide to the Impossible-to-Dress Pregnant Body
LatestThe recent fascination with Kim Kardashian’s maternity wardrobe, and the media’s general fixation on pre- and post-baby bodies in general, has got me thinking that most people really have no fucking clue about the journey a woman’s body takes during and after pregnancy.
I say this with peace, love and understanding because I myself was also totally ignorant before I got pregnant last year. I thought I would have this cute bump for a while, my face and ass cheeks would soften, and then 5-6 months of post-delivery healthy eating and occasional exercise would bring me back to my pre-baby shape. I know. I am an idiot. But based on the way pregnant women’s bodies and clothing choices are covered in the media, I am not the only one.
The truth is, most of us are only “cute pregnant” for a very, very tiny sliver of the pregnancy pie. The majority of the time our bodies look like they were drawn by some half-ass art student going through a Cubist phase and nothing, not even maternity clothes, fit quite right. Allow me to break down the perils most of us encounter when dressing while pregnant, stage by stage.
Months 1-2:
A woman finds out she is pregnant. Mazel Tov. Now she probably won’t really start to show for a few months, but even though she doesn’t look much different on the outside, she feels like a dizzy, vomitty mess on the inside. Nausea and skinny jeans, heck, nausea and any constricting waistband whatsoever are not friends. So even though she isn’t much bigger yet, and might even be smaller, she still might need to mumu and yoga-pant it up.
Month 3:
At this point she is showing alright, but there are no neat little half-domes involved. Instead, she just starts to thicken up all over, but the action is most concentrated in her stomach which has becomes this jiggly wiggly pile of mush. Maternity clothes are still way too big, but her old clothes are too small. She is in no-mans land and can only pray that it is summer and empire-waist maxi-dresses are on sale at Old Navy.
Months 4-6:
Hooray. She has arrived. She officially shows. And she is no longer nauseous. She goes out and buys fashionable maternity clothes. Everyone, come and look and touch the totally cute pregnant lady. So cute! Tell her how