Break out the celebratory America grills, ladies: Ryan Lochte, American hero and shame fap of women everywhere, will follow up his golden Olympic performance with a stint on reality TV, America's dignity graveyard. What better way to follow up a performance that proves he's one of the fastest, most physically remarkable humans in the entire world by entering the realm of the extraordinarily untalented — the Kardashians and the Palins and the Real Housewives?
Lochte's desire to literally transform into a cartoon is no secret — yesterday, he said he'd love to do Dancing With the Stars, which sounds like a fantastic idea because remember that time they made Bristol Palin wear a gorilla costume and it was awesome??! I'd love to see Lochte dressed like a blinged-out dolphin.
What will become of the American swimmer's career out of the pool hasn't yet been determined, but as it stands right now, Lochte's slated to star in a Funny or Die video with Will Ferrell and has expressed an interest in "acting." He thinks he'd be pretty good at it.
This is going to be the acting equivalent of Farrah from Teen Mom's music career, isn't it? Or a America's Next Top Model acting challenge? Or like that time Heidi performed her single at the Miss Universe pageant? Oh, God.
According to his agent, vague acting plans aren't all Lochte has on his plate. The aspiring fashion designer (by "designer," I mean "ruiner") reportedly is in talks with two reality projects right now, with a third possibly on the table.
Love him, hate him, or hatelove him, America hasn't seen the last of Ryan Lochte. Let's just hope he hangs on to his C-list dreams for long enough to be cast as The Bachelor.