Your Wizened 35-Year-Old Crone Ass Is Apparently Unfit For Crop Tops

There is what the Daily Mail says, and then there is what the Daily Mail does not say. Based on a survey of about 2,000 women, they made their verdict on what is and is not age appropriate.

Women should ditch belly-baring tops by the age of 34 and avoid showing off midriffs in bikinis as soon as they reach 40, a new study has suggested.

If you have any life experience whatsoever, do not wear crop tops. I repeat: If you have acquired any of the wisdom that comes with age and/or have a good head on your shoulders now that you are out of your twenties, DO NOT WEAR THEM. Also, by “A new study has suggested,” we meant “said Rachel Williams Fein, the horrific popular girl you went to high school with.”

If you wear a belly-baring top or a bikini after the age of 34 and 40, respectively, a team of men in suits will quietly swarm and carry you away from your loved ones, blindfolded, to an undisclosed location.
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The belly bashing didn’t stop there as women are also being told to avoid baring their tummy or showing too much skin if they have stretch marks and scars, if they’re pregnant, married or have children. Leggings should also hit the bin by 37 and stilettos are a no-no if you are in the 41-plus age group.

They will drop you at a bus stop where you will meet a mute woman in a red poncho. She will drive you until you turn off the road, into a top-secret and remote housing unit somewhere in the wilds of Montana where women over 35 wearing crop tops and 38 year olds wearing leggings and 42 year old women in stilettos can roam and wear their contraband clothing freely without horrifying the general public by not looking like Miley Cyrus. “This is the place,” you will say as a single tear runs down your withered old 35-year-old cheek.

Belly button piercings should be removed by the time you turn 35 while long hair should be given the chop at 42 to a shorter more ‘mature’ look.

If you do not wish to cut your own hair, we are not afraid to cut it for you, in your bedroom, while you’re sleeping. Remember: Every time a woman over 42 has long hair, a woman under 42 GOES BALD. That’s just science.

And 27 per cent believed ladies should stop shopping in ‘younger’ clothes stores like Topshop and Miss Selfridge once they reach their early forties.

You are only allowed to shop at the Fat Old Ugly Worthless Thing Depot, conveniently located in your local mall.