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Last Thursday, 24-year-old model/artist/vlogger Dayna Frazer revealed a personal tragedy to her hundreds of thousands of fans by posting a crying selfie to her Instagram story alongside the caption, “When you find out your bf cheated on you lol.” Her followers immediately (and understandably) assumed the cheater was Dylan Sprouse, the 25-year-old actor and former Disney star she had been dating since 2014, but Sprouse kept mum on the accusation—until this week.

In a series of tweets published Wednesday, the non-Jughead Sprouse shared what appeared to be a response to Frazer’s cheating allegation with his 3.5 million followers, and it’s a masterful non-statement—a hilarious (and almost impressive) collection of dodges and pseudo-admissions of guilt that is so verbose and vague that I completely understand why it took him six days to craft.

Here’s what Sprouse wrote, in full:

I will say this and only this: by adhering to an assumption based on limited information, you neglect the complicated nature of this issue.

The truth always has two sides, and those sides have motivations, and those motivations, despite how cloudy they currently seem, are private

This is complicated and it will remain complicated, but those who know me and who have known me, know well enough what kind of person I am.

And that is all [call me hand/sometimes interpreted as the shaka emoji]

Here’s what he appears to be saying, in short:

I cheated on her

Once again, a piece of unnecessarily public drama from a celebrity is making me feel like Kelly Macdonald in that scene from No Country For Old Men when Javier Bardem shows up in her house to kill her. “You don’t have to do this,” she gently reminds him. And it’s true! He didn’t have to! But Anton Chigurh lives by a different set of principles. And so, it seems, does Dylan Sprouse.