You find your soulmate. You’re a perfect match in every possible way, and it is an absolute, immutable fact that without this person in your life, you would be markedly less happy. You never knew it could be this good. Except now, it’s time to fuck the goat.
This is a Would You Rather that I have asked countless people over the years. It is, by my measure, one of the most effective Would You Rathers out there; the responses are always varied and often surprising. Are you ready?
The twist is that in order to be with this person—this person that you objectively know is the key to you being as happy and fulfilled as you possibly can—you have to have sex with a goat. And not just once, but once every three months. Four times a year, the only thing standing between you and eternal bliss in your (non-goat) relationship is a single, windowless room and one (1) farm animal waiting for your tender touch.
Should you decline the offer, you will never see the love of your life again, forcing you to suffer the consequences of all that entails.
If you take the deal, no one will ever find out unless you choose to tell them, and though you will be happy in (human) love, you will still be subject to any psychological consequences borne of your goat-related tryst. The goat will not be physically harmed. You do not have to enjoy it. But the act does have to come to fruition.
This is, admittedly, much more difficult logistically for females, which I believe is important to keep in mind. There must be penetration; goat fellatio, however, does not count. A brief Google search indicates that the average goat penis extends about three to four centimeters. And, no, you may not use a strap-on. The rest of the details I leave to you, dear readers.
Knowing what you know, would you fuck the goat? I look forward to your answers.
Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.
Illustration by Bobby Finger via Shutterstock
