In a stirring coup for people who want to hate the president but don’t want to actually think about any stuff ever, the venerable Reader’s Digest did a poll (BINDING) and discovered that Tom Hanks—not Barack Obama, like you totally thought!!!—is the #1 most trusted man in America. Where did the stupid president come in? Number 65. Buuuuuuuuuurnz.
Other celebrities who are more trustworthy than the president (according to 1000 people who don’t have anything better to do but pick up the phone when Reader’s Digest calls to talk about nonsense) include: Sandra Bullock, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Alex Trebek, Muhammad Ali, Melinda Gates, Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep, Michelle Obama (buuuurnz x 2!), a silent fart, Jordy the rapping French baby, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, and moss. It is written: Alex Trebek will never tell anyone about your abortion, not even in the form of a question.
But let’s talk about #1. Tom Hanks. The big guy. The man Reader’s Digest thinks you should trust, unwaveringly, with all of your secrets. Sounds like a stand-up dude, right? Sounds like the kind of bro whose skylight you should probably parachute through for solace the next time you’re having a hard time because your sister passive-aggressively let all your succulents die when you were out of town, right???
Well, don’t rewrite your will quite yet, leaving all of your children to Tom Hanks in the event that you die in an emotional parachuting accident (I don’t really know how laws work, but how hilarious would it be if everyone in America did that!? BEST PRANK EVER INVOLVING ORPHANS AND MASS DEATH). Because I’ve done some deep Hollywood digging and discovered the truth about your beloved Hanks.