Why I'm Growing Out a Massive Clown Bush

Let's be clear. This article — "Dear Girls, Please Shave Your Pubic Hair" — written by "Bernie B" for Thought Catalog is clickbait that's meant to make you angry. And it works! I clicked, I got mad and now I'm responding to it. It's the ciiiiiiiiiircle of internet life and it moves us all, especially if you, like me, don't like it when some faceless dickwad tells you what to do.

(Muff) diving right in, Bernie B is not a fan of ladies with pubic hair. That's cool, man! You can like or dislike whatever you want — I couldn't care less — but shit gets a whole lot messier when you start bossing around a major portion of the population about what their grooming habits should be.

Bernie B doesn't waste any time not being problematic. Here's his very first paragraph:

I will be attacked by feminists from the sole existence of this title. I will then be lynched by a crowd of angry protesters holding photos of Gloria Steinem, after they finish reading the whole thing.

Dude, this isn't even a feminist issue. It's a "none of your business" issue. No one is making demands on how often you should wax your butthole or deal with your bacne because it's not up to anyone but you. Our only influence is in whether or not we want to sleep with you because of your choices and the rest is out of our hands.

But then you had to go and turn it into a feminist issue. Seriously, do you think feminists like being angry all of the time? We don't! We like to have our friends over for Mexican food and crack fart jokes and watch Scandal! We like to do all sorts of things that aren't feeling mad about the patriarchy, but then you go and goad us into reacting by acting like a sexist asshole and going off on tangents about how there's always been sucky beauty standards, but — heck, ladies — why do you need to start bucking the trend now?

The science of sexuality is not only rooted in biology. Many factors affect the sexual arousal of a person: social, psychological and cultural are one of many. In Mauritania, girls were fed more than boys, so that they look more beautiful and more “marriage material”. Yes, fat is beautiful. No need to travel that far to Africa, as we can go a few decades back in time and see how our celebrities were seen differently: the famous example of Marilyn Monroe and her not-so-perfect body in today’s standards. This is just an example on how time and culture affect our sexual perceptions.

Point well served, sir! 15-love to Team Nonsense!

You women who choose to keep it natural can breathe a deep breath of relief. Bernie doesn't blame you, he just finds you disgusting and wants you to change immediately.

I don’t blame girls who don’t shave around that area, I blame the porn industry...I grew up, seeing naked women who were either shaved completely, or had a funky design on the groin. Never...will you see girls with the whole bush down there. What will subsequently happen when you have your first experience? What are your expectations? You want something as close to what you first saw when you first did the do.

I know, it’s fucked up. And this is part of a bigger problem that is being addressed in many areas. The problem of television and the internet. The bad influence they had and will keep having on new generations if drastic changes don’t take place. What’s the solution? You can’t change involuntary reactions.

You can start a revolution in the porn industry and bring hair back. I see this as one of the few solutions that exist.

But til then, please, shave your pubic hair

You see? It's not his fault! It's the porn industry's so if you want him to change, then you should make the porn industry change. And while you're working on that, it's pretty rude of you and your vagina to go around punishing innocent baby men who can't differentiate between fantasy and reality. Geez, didn't you see that he said "please?"

Aw, Bernie B, you wonderful doofy idiot. Your preferences, sexual or otherwise, are your problem, not ours. I don't like broccoli rabe, but that doesn't mean that I get to go around to restaurants and demand that kitchens stop serving it. I simply avoid ordering it. (On the rare occasion when it manages to sneak in, I move it aside, plow on and avoid ordering the dish in the future. You should try a similar tactic with vaginas!)

I have no real stance on shaving or waxing because, again, it's none of my business what someone else wants to do with their body. I do, however, have a major problem with some random bro on the internet telling me and other women that we have to engage in a practice that's both painful and costly (yes, getting waxed costs major $$$) simply because an unshaved vagina makes his boner sad. Basically, the whole thing makes me want to throw away my razor, put aside my current grooming practices and grow the biggest clown bush that the world has ever seen. I'm talking a bush so big that people get lost in it. It will be beautiful — tourists from around the globe will come to drive their cars through it like they do with trees in the Redwood Forest.

Sorry, Bernie B. I know that's not what you were going for, but be proud that you effected change in such a beautiful and profound way.

Image via Andreas Gradin/Shutterstock.