Here is a helpful parenting suggestion from me, a woman who does not have children but might someday: if you want to have intimate relations with your partner, how about you just do it and keep that shit to yourself?
If any friends of mine who have children sat down with a beer and earnestly asked me “Hey, what should I tell my kid if I need to go bone their dad?” the only answer I would provide is “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND.” However, that is decidedly not what Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban do when the mood strikes.
In an interview with SiriusXM’s the Moms Denise Albert and Melissa Musen Gerstein, when asked about what she tells her children when she and Keith want to hop on an express train to the Bone Zone, Kidman replied “[We tell them] mommy and daddy need to have kissy-kissy time.” No other context was provided because the quote stands quite happily on its own horny legs.
Kissy-kissy time! What! The! Hell!
It’s fine that you need to find a chill way to tell your kids that you and Dad have to go see a man about a snake in the master bedroom en-suite, I guess? As previously stated, I’m not a parent and I certainly have no idea what it’s like to have a child and then have said child ask me why I’m in the bedroom with the door closed at 2 p.m on a Tuesday and where the hell is Dad anyway.
Do children need to know if their parents are about to get it on while their children are awake and tugging at their pant legs to watch Peppa the Pig for the seven hundredth time? Is the white-hot passion that flows between Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban a force so strong that it cannot be tamed or ignored? Do you think that maybe they found themselves in this situation so many times that they had to come up with a name for it?
If you’re going to have kissy-kissy time, maybe just have the kissy-kissy time. No need to tell the kids anything.