Image via AP.

So this is how I die.

Science moves in such great leaps and strides. When I was younger, a vibrating fleshlight was revolutionary, space-age technology, and now they have sex dolls that retain information about you. I don’t know why you’d want a sex doll to remember what you did to it, but it’s clear to me where this information will lead: your horrible murder.

According to an interview with cybersecurity lecturer Dr. Nick Patterson conducted by the Star Online (of which Jezebel remains officially skeptical) connecting your sexbot to WiFi isn’t just a convenient way to keep track of your daily pumps. It also apparently makes you vulnerable to cyber attacks from hackers that want to twist your naughty bits off:

“Hackers can hack into a robot or a robotic device and have full control of the connections, arms, legs and other attached tools like in some cases knives or welding devices.

And consider the machine they’re working with! Your Sexy Samantha may look all pliant and willing, but she’s got a frame built to withstand you freaking on her 24/7:

“Often these robots can be upwards of 200 pounds, and very strong. Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has full control and can issue instructions to the robot.

“The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots! Once hacked they could absolutely be used to perform physical actions for an advantageous scenario or to cause damage.”

We’ve been warned by such tech gods as Elon Musk and the creators of Westworld that one day artificial intelligence will usher in our demise via automated war. The bots are certainly here for our jobs, so it will more likely be the ragged human, unemployed masses that eventually tears Silicon Valley apart. But don’t let these large scale disasters distract you from the far more intimate nightmare of making love to your robot sweetheart as a cold-hearted hacker gazes at you through her glassy eyes, just waiting to make the killing blow. These violent delights have such violent ends.

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