Week in Tabloids: Kerry Washington Asks Obama to Be Baby's Godfather

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, your Wednesday tabloid roundup. Today, Taylor Swift fears she’s turning into Jennifer Aniston; Justin Bieber is “always high”; and when it comes to her fetus, Kerry Washington — like Olivia Pope — has it handled.

BTW, Callie Beusman and I worked with a shorter program this week — In Touch and Life & Style did not arrive at the newsstand this morning due to snow. Sorry, gossip fans! But we’ve got Us, Ok! and Star, and, as usual, we “read” them so you don’t “have” to.

“DEFENDING OUR BELIEFS”

GODDAMN IT, NOT THE DUCK DYNASTY FAMILY AGAIN. This is a gross piece essentially defending the patriarch’s homophobic and racist comments. It sucks. A choice quote: “The massive audience provided them with a platform to share their Bible-based beliefs — for better or worse — with others.” Barf. Moving on: Amber Heard “tamed” Johnny Depp by… uh… having things in common with him? A veritable wildlife wrangler. In other news, Justin Bieber is a “bad egg.” The egging heard ’round the world is elaborated upon: Bieber did it in the early hours of the morning, while his neighbors’ 13-year-old daughter was preparing for school. “It seemed like there were hundreds of [eggs],” says the man whose house was egged. Justin Bieber is a maniac. Also, an anonymous young woman shares the tale of her “wild night with Justin”: he picked her and some of her friends up at a club and then herded them into a giant limo, where their phones were confiscated. He played them unreleased tracks on his phone and smoked a lot of joints. They eventually arrived back at his mansion, where he continued to smoke joints and play unreleased tracks. The girls called a cab because they were extremely bored. A wild night indeed! Elsewhere in the magazine, male celebrities used too much tanner before the Golden Globes (Fig. 1) “Orange is the new black tie” is a good pun, though.

Grade: F (brown snow)

“ENGAGED!”

Jennifer Lawrence is secretly engaged to Nicholas Hoult, according to an anonymous source. The engagement, claims the mag, is “her latest and by far best trophy.” Um, like, eternal love is nice, but literally anyone can get engaged. Maybe an Oscar is better? Whatever: the source says that Nick proposed on Christmas morning, in Jennifer’s house in Kentucky, leaving one to wonder — just who is this source? An errant reindeer? Did someone unwittingly receive an Ok! reporter as a gift? In other news, Kris Jenner is behaving erratically because she drinks too much wine. Like some terrifying cable news minotaur, she roams the halls of Fox TV, prowling for a new talk show. Moving on: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are engaged and happy, which is great for them. Sandra Bullock is FINALLY smiling again, which is weird because she’s single?!!!??? Here’s an actual quote from the article: “Sandra Bullock’s up for another Oscar… But she’s also a single mom with no romantic prospects who’ll turn 50 in July. So why is she flashing that mile-wide smile so much these days?” It is physically impossible for a woman’s face muscles to form a smile when she’s not romantically spoken for, as we all know. Wait! Now we know why she is smiling: She has so many hot guy friends. (Fig. 2)

Grade: F (yellow snow)

“MARRIED TO A MONSTER!”

Here’s the thing about this story. We’d already heard Dean was cheating on Tori. But now he has turned into a “monster.” Why? Because “he’s cheated on her repeatedly — with both women and men.” The article actually includes the sentence “Never in her wildest dreams did Tori believe Dean was cheating with men.” Wildest. Dreams. Bisexual = monster. Anyway not much else new here, so let’s move on. Kelly Osbourne and her vegan chef boyfriend may have broken up because he was (surprise!) cheating on her, but the evidence is pretty thin: The copy states he was “making random trips to hotels” which doesn’t seem that weird for a chef to do? It also claims Kelly “found evidence that he may be hooking up with other people.” Flimsy. Next, allegedly, Taylor Swift said to a “pal”: “Why can’t I keep a guy? I fee like I’m turning into Jennifer Aniston.” BURN. In let’s-pretend-Scandal-is-real news, the mag asks us to believe that Kerry Washington has asked President Obama to be the godfather of her unborn child. El oh el. An item about Cara Delevingne tongue-kissing Miley Cyrus, Michelle Rodriguez and Sienna Miller ends with the line, “Look out, A-list ladies, Cara could be coming for you next!” Roving amorous lesbian on the loose. Lock your doors. Jennifer Lawrence and Tony from Skins got engaged on Christmas Eve, but have decided to keep it under wraps because “Jennifer is obsessed with her privacy.” Mmmkay. The Justin Bieber story claims he drinks 8 to 12 ounces of sizzurp a day and is “always high” from purple drank, pills, booze or weed. Sounds exhausting. There’s a four-page story about Raffele Sollecito — aka Amanda Knox’s ex-boyfriend — and how he “went after a 22-year-old from Idaho,” but we just couldn’t bear to read it. Finally, the cherry on the gossip sundae: An ad for a Prince Harry doll that is not a toy but a fine collectible. You’ve been warned. (Fig. 3)

Grade: D (gray snow)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Us

Fig. 2, from Ok!

Fig. 3, from Star