"Just to convict people because you're jealous of them is retarded," an angry, slurring Joe Francis says in an absolutely riveting rant in which he goes off on the jury who convicted him earlier this month for falsely imprisoning three women in his Bel-Air home, but also brags about his dick size, wealth, and intelligence.

In what seems like an attempt to do some day-late-dollar-short damage control on his image, Francis agreed to speak to The Hollywood Reporter the day after he was found guilty of three counts of false imprisonment and one of assault likely to cause great bodily injury. He did the interview after drinking three or four "$55 bottle[s] of Double Diamond Bomber X cabernet." What a terrible idea for him—and wonderful delight for us!

Here's a transcription of the video above:

Wealthy people don't kidnap people and bring them to a party with, you know, 30, 40 people. Just because a jury is mentally retarded and jealous of who I am, that jury, you should be put in jail, you stupid idiots. That's all I have to say.

You stupid, stupid idiots, you stupid jury, you should be put in jail or lined up and shot. You're idiots. It's sad. I mean, that's what they should give the death penalty, to stupid juries, because I'm… not that person. It's awful.

Just to convict people because you're jealous of them is… is retarded. And you're a retarded jury. and you should be shot dead. You should…If they have the death penalty for juries, you should be shot. Dead. Via firing squad.

You hear that? He didn't do it because he's rich!

It's weird. So weird! Everything about it! Like, it's set to the kind of music you'd expect to hear in instructional videos on trendy airlines—except it's just Joe Francis saying "retarded" over and over again. But the Girls Gone Wild founder didn't stop there.

After talking about how all juries are made up of stupid people who aren't "smart enough to come with an excuse to get out of jury duty," he explains why he is such an incredible person:

I have private jets, I have a great life, I'm a good-looking guy. I'm not conceited, but like — look, I have girls around me all the time, whatever I want. I make a lot of money. It's a great life. If I wasn't me, I'd f—ing hate me.

If nothing else, he's dead on the money in that last sentence, but doesn't really realize why. Francis is pathological in his insistence that people—including both the state and federal judicial systems—are simply jealous of a cool guy with a big dick:

"It's been widely reported my penis is huge, but look, I have nothing to prove" — upon which he tries to do just that, tussling with his rather sweet girlfriend and urging her to tell me [THR writer Stephen Golloway] about his assets. She wriggles away, mortified.

"You know why I've been criticized, why I've been brutalized?" he says. "Anybody who criticizes me, anybody who — it's just a jealous guy. Everybody who says, 'Oh, Joe Francis is this' — look at their penis and tell me if it's small. Tell me!"

Wow. Yeah, any criticism is based solely on jealousy and not how he's a convicted child abuser, or the kind of person who farts openly in court when trying to get out of paying a $3 million gambling debt (which turned into a $20 million judgement for defamation payable to Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn), or bankrupting Girls Gone Wild because of all his civil suits, or the time he physically assaulted journalist Claire Hoffman.

But who cares about that when you've accomplished so much?

I helped start the Kardashians. I thought that was an incredible mainstream project.

Um, what the fuck does that mean? Is he Khloe's real father?

Ultimately, he just wants us to know one thing:

"I'm a sophisticated, classy guy."

Yeah, because that's what we generally think of men who talk about money, penis size, and how attractive they are.

Convicted Girls Gone Wild Mogul Joe Francis Breaks Silence: 'Retarded' Jury 'Should Be Shot Dead' [THR]