Praise the goddess above: it's Jennifer Lawrence talk show season, and she's saying all of the best things. She went on David Letterman last night and talked about being hospitalized for stomach pains and it was so fun.

Things J-Law said that were enjoyable: "fulcer," a term she coined whose meaning I don't quite understand; "you can only shit your pants so many times before you go to the emergency room" (words to live by!); a passing mention to the Real Housewives franchise, etc. etc. The story of Jennifer Lawrence's fulcer is what I will one day whisper to my children as they drift off to sleep. [E!, Daily Mail]


Watch Jennifer Lawrence Tell a Charming Story About Shitting Her Pants

Ugh, this is bad: Chris Brown was kicked out of his anger management rehab program; apparently, his mom urged him to stay in the facility and he responded by throwing a rock through her car window in a fit of rage. TMZ reports that the Probation Dept. wants to order him into a live-in anger management program — but the D.A. wants to sentence him to jail time instead. [TMZ]


Watch Jennifer Lawrence Tell a Charming Story About Shitting Her Pants

Kanye West and Zappos The Online Shoe Retailer are in a big fight. Kanye went on Bret Easton Ellis' podcast (is that some kind of euphemism for the depths of hell? Unclear.) and decried Zappos' product as "shit." In response, Zappos launched a shit product page. It's a weird quasi-CGI toilet and plunger that retails for $100k. [NY Daily News]


  • Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian were locked in a panic room together. Oh, wait, no, sorry — I misread that. They were in a sports arena along with 19,000 other humans. [TMZ]
  • Usain Bolt is in love with Rihanna. [Bossip]
  • Your down-to-earth BFF/total nice and fun guy Morrissey has some classic Morrissey comments to make about the Middletons. [E!]
  • Adam Levine says it was "flattering and hilarious" that he won Sexiest Man Alive. Same! [E!]
  • I am so obsessed with Ke$ha's hair although I recognize that all the cool teens on the Internet were doing this like two years ago. [E!]
  • Michelle Obama Dishes on Her Biggest Fashion Regret (alternate title: These Grey Shorts Are Michelle Obama's Fashion #Benghazi). [E!]
  • Cee Lo Green's rape case — in which he is charged with slipping ecstasy into a woman's drink and then assaulting her — will resume in January. [Access Atlanta]
  • Mark Wahlberg wanted to produce Fifty Shades of Grey starring Brad Pitt. It could have been like a feature-length Chanel no. 5 commercial! [E!]
  • The Hemsworths are expanding. [E!]
  • Aeolus, god of the winds, comes under fire for wantonly defying the understated elegance of Kate Middleton. [E!]
  • Guys, Kelis graduated from culinary school and she's releasing her own line of sauces!!! This is the best celebrity gossip of the week — nay, the year. [ONTD]
  • Your second-fav Teen Trainwreck Kendall Jenner went on a date with Harry Styles. [Hello]
  • Niall Horan (the one from One Direction who used to have braces but doesn't anymore) is getting his own museum in his hometown. The article literally includes this sentence: "Councillors want to construct a centre devoted to the singer and this it could become a mecca for thousands of 1D fans who come to the town every year to track down Niall." :'( [ONTD]