Today, in inane conspiracy theories that are the literal worst, some people with too much time on their hands and one helluva confirmation bias have "discovered" that Sasha and Malia Obama were actually adopted and that the FLOTUS was born Michael LaVaughn Robinson. I hate everything.

Yep, the birther movement, which went on hiatus because of the truth, is now back with an even more explosive in-your-face-truth title pending: WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE PARTS II, III, and IV, entirely based on two things: 1) not being able to find baby pictures of the Obama girls and 2) that one transphobic comment Joan fucking Rivers made that one time. No, really.

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Seriously, conspiracy theorists are yelling about how they can't find any baby pictures of Malia or Sasha (which is weird because "malia obama baby" and "sasha obama baby" seem to pull up plenty of results for two of the most intensely guarded young women in the country). Still, they believe, via Raw Story:

"Barack Obama and the First Lady have kept a tight lid on photos of their precious daughters being released by the press," writes Jodi Swann at Mr. Conservative. "Still, we have seen a startling lack of pictures from the early years of Malia and Sasha. Now we have evidence that this may not be due to the fact that Michelle has ordered the press not to release them, but that they do not exist."

Apparently the theory there is that Malia and Sasha were adopted from Morocco. But why? Because Michelle Obama is incapable of having children. But why? Because she doesn't have a womb. But why? Because she was not born with a uterus? But why? Because Joan Rivers called Michelle Obama "tranny," a slur, in the saddest scrap of a joke back in July and Alex Jones hopped on that shit.

Yeah, that douchenozzle heard the words of a batshit 81-year-old provocateur trying to rustle some jimmies for her new book and thought "WOW, JOAN RIVERS IS REALLY ONTO SOMETHING THERE" and got this whole mess off the ground. (By the way, he went on to say that Michelle Obama, "doesn't look like any black woman I've ever known…She's got shoulders that are wider than a man's, which physiologically doesn't happen." So fuck that dude.)

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The theory basically states that Michelle Obama was actually born Michael LaVaughn Robinson and was a linebacker at Oregon State "where he enjoyed "a respectable rookie season with 88 tackles and 7.5 sacks (but) suddenly dropped out of the school" to have a gender reassignment surgery. Robinson met "Kenyan immigrant" Barry Obama years later. Oh great. Transphobic and probably racist and just fucking awful.

Obviously, these are very fringe conspiracy theorists and obviously they are either very sarcastic or real big idiots. Or maybe the FLOTUS really does have something to hide. Guys, I just did some digging and found the real Michelle Obama conspiracies we should all be talking about. Do you know these things about the SUPPOSED First Lady?

  • Born with an appendix which she probably doesn't even use
  • Exercises but also eats? Whose side is she on?
  • Never been seen in the same room as Princess Diana, just saying
  • Gets her nails trimmed over and over again. Why all the identity changing?
  • Has a skeleton living inside of her
  • Attended Princeton with AGENT FOX MULDER
  • Zodiac sign: Capricorn, represented by a sea-goat as in CONSPIRA-SEA-GOAT
  • Is probably a PUPPET controlled by Marc Jacobs but wears a lot of Jason Wu

WAKE UP AMERICA.

Image via Getty