Unless Your Vagina Smells Like Windex, You Will Die Alone

Playtex’s Fresh + Sexy Intimate Wipes are basically adult baby wipes: they’re marketed towards people who want to “freshen up” before and after sex. Although they’re for both genders, they’re mostly marketed towards women because ladies are particularly self-conscious about their genitals, thanks to advertising campaigns such as this one which remind us that we’ll only get action if we have pleasingly nondescript barbie vaginas.

Here’s how Playtex advertises their wipes to consumers who don’t feel needlessly insecure enough yet:

“A clean beaver always finds more wood.”

“A polished knob always gets more turns.”

“A clean peach always gets picked.”

“A clean pecker always taps it.”

Ohhh, I think I get it now: genitals are gross.