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Donald Trump, a clump of moldering chickpeas and the 45th President of the United States, is quite agitated over the prevailing negative response to his inauguration: the dinky crowd, the roaring protests, the tweets — oh the tweets! So, what’s our churlish presidential meat pie to do? The answer, my pals, is obvious: rewrite the narrative into one more palatable to his delicate taste.

And so, as the Daily Intelligencer reports, one of Trumplestilskin’s first orders of business was to sign a proclamation designating January 20, 2017 a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Yes, that’s right. For all intents and purposes, he declared his Inauguration Day a holiday.

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“A new national pride stirs the American soul and inspires the American heart,” reads the proclamation. “We are one people, united by a common destiny and a shared purpose.” The document will appear in the Federal Register on Tuesday, January 24. You can read it in full here.

“We are one people,” claims the man who, at his inaugural ball, referred to his critics as “enemies.” Honoring this day, the day a racist, xenophobic sexual predator assumed the country’s highest office, will “strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country.”

Sure, whatever consolation you need, Donald. Your party still sucked.