“New York City Is Going Crazy Over These Insane Next-Level Milkshakes,” proclaims a BuzzFeed post posted yesterday, which already has over a million views. I too am going crazy over these milkshakes, because they are abominable. They are the Melania Trump of food options and they are so extra I want to die.

The milkshakes pictured above can be found at Black Tap, in Manhattan; a previous wave of try-hard Willy Wonka ass milkshakes made the rounds last summer, sold by an Australian bakery called Patissez. In September, on FABlife, Chrissy Teigen called the “monstershake” the “hot new trend in town.”

“It’s on all our feeds,” she said, “the giant, decked-out, monster milkshake. Have you guys seen this around? It’s absolutely ridiculous. Look at this.” The crowd sighs and oohs and applauds.

Then they move to a demonstration, which Teigen introduces by saying: “These milkshakes are so delicious, so easy to throw together for family, friends, kids, whoever. All you have to do is grab a large mug—for the milkshake—and stack your favorite things on top!”

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She adds, “Honestly, it could not be any easier.”

First of all, it could definitely be easier (just drink a milkshake). Second—well:

Yeah.

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Here’s the thing about whatever these are: they’re definitely not milkshakes. They are barely “for eating.” They are visual objects, casualties of Pinterest’s aesthetic teleology, which elevates domestic busywork to what essentially feels like pyrotechnics. They exist not to be “shared” Lady and the Tramp style but to be shared on a DANG IPHONE. And, in this focus, they are COUNTER to the spirit of the milkshake, which is a simple, unqualified American pleasure, constructed for the express purpose of going down easy and comforting and standard (downright democratic!) and smooth.

BUT IF 10 DIFFERENT THINGS ARE ALL DELICIOUS, you might say, AND THESE THINGS ALSO HAPPEN TO LOOK COOL, WHY NOT JUST PUT THEM IN THE MILKSHAKE AND TAKE A BUNCH OF PICS FOR YOUR DANG FOLLOWERS TO BE LIKE “OMG YUM #GOALS #YUM @BFF LET’S GO TO BLACK TAP AND TAKE A VERY SIMILAR INSTAGRAM”?

Because, honestly, that’s fucking disrespectful to the goodness of each of those things separately. KonMari your goddamn snack life. If you want some delicious potato chips, eat some delicious potato chips. If you want a red velvet cupcake, eat your red velvet cupcake. Think about the 10 most fun times you’ve had sex in your life—would you want to experience all these times again simultaneously? No! It’s 2016, it’s the future, we can glut ourselves on anything we want to. But you do not have enough pleasure receptors to do this shit justice and you definitely do not have enough holes.

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It can be difficult, in our nightmarish contemporary life, to understand the boundaries of reasonable performativity. One decent rule of thumb is that “look” should generally not surpass “feel.” In other words, if something is more fun to photograph than to experience, it’s bullshit. That goes for everything, and it really goes for milkshakes.

Milkshakes should be simple things made from ice cream and a focused flavoring element: chocolate, caramel, coffee, various fruits. They can have two additional components (bourbon, sprinkles) at most. They should come in a big, tall diner glass with a thick straw and a frosty stainless steel cup on the side to contain the extra from the blender. That is what a milkshake is. I like strawberry. Amen.


Contact the author at jia@jezebel.com.

Images via @pickypalate/@whyworkshop/Instagram