This Week In Tabloids: The Gossip Gods Have Blessed Us, For Ben Affleck and J. Lo Are Back Together

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where the four major cover stories today alternate between conscious coupling and conscious uncoupling. On Team ‘We’re Finished,’ we’ve got Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie. On Team ‘I Still Love You,’ we’ve got Katie Holmes, Jamie Foxx, Ben Affleck, and Jennifer Lopez.

Life & Style

It’s been 13 years since Gigli first became a punchline, and 12 years since they called it quits, but Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck—the OG Bennifer (aka Bennifer 1.0)—have finally decided to return to each other now that both of them are single again. You heard that right: J. Lo’s infectious personality and otherworldly good looks were too much for Affleck to resist, and Affleck’s sour, bourbon-tinged pheromones were no match for J. Lo’s better judgment.

A source tells Life & Style it was Lopez who made first contact (second contact?), “[reaching] out to Ben” after dumping Casper Smart, a [presumably] well-endowed dancer she had been feeding and sheltering for some time. The only thing that’s making Bennifer 1.0’s transition to Bennifer 1.1 tricky is the fact that Bennifer 2.0’s divorce has yet to be made official, but sources say Jennifer Garner has “finally told [Ben] the relationship is over” and that “she always knew they could get back together.” Same.

Speaking of romance, Drake is “putting a ring on it.” By “it” I mean “Rihanna’s left ring finger,” and by “is” I mean “isn’t,” because we all know where speculation about this relationship always leads us: the dumpster! It leads us to the dumpster.

Oh, there’s also a sneaky little “EXCLUSIVE” about Selena Gomez entitled “MY SIDE OF THE STORY” that presents itself as an interview with her but is actually just a run-of-the-mill chat with “insiders” and “sources.” Silly Life & Style, tricks are for OK!

And Also:

• Damon Dash is “creating a tell-all TV series” about “the rise and fall of Roc-a-Fella records” that “threatens to reveal secrets” of Beyonce and Jay Z’s marriage. If I had a DVR, I’d set it.
• Kourtney Kardashian is “secretly” fucking with Scott Disick, which is how all people should fuck Scott Disick.
• Wear leather zipper skirts.
• Wear bomber jackets and boots.
• Wear satin pants.
• BUT DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE WEAR THEM WRONG.

In Touch

Next up: a divorce! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, two beautiful B-listers who have successfully conned the world into thinking they’re A-listers (I like them both, but they are not reliable leading actors. Don’t @ me.) are fed up with their “separate lives” and “screaming matches,” so they’re going to get a divorce! The only problem is that they’re both rich as hell and splitting up all their assets is going to be a bigger disaster than By the Sea.

“The crown jewel in their massive property and investment portfolios” is a $60 million estate in the French Riviera called Chateau Miraval. A source says Pitt “will fight over putting [it] up for sale [because] he worked so hard to restore it over the past eight years.” Hold the phone, source. I do not think Brad Pitt was, like, on his hands and knees replacing tile and screwing new fixtures into old cabinets and screaming like, “GOD DAMN IT, ANGIE, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE GOD DAMNED CHISEL” after which Angie screams back, “HOW MANY GOD DAMNED TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I NEVER TOUCHED YOUR GOD DAMNED CHISEL. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER TOUCH A GOD DAMNED CHISEL?” And if he was, in fact, restoring the home on his own, why don’t we have that on film? How is that not the only series HGTV ever shows? Why isn’t it in the Library of Congress?

And now: