This Week in Tabloids: Nicki Minaj Had Sex With Zac Efron and Loved It

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman hits the newsstands for the hot-off-the-truck issues of In Touch, Life & Style, Ok!, Star and Us, and helps us navigate the stormy waters of celebrity gossip. This week, Kim Kardashian’s “new” body is just her old pre-baby body; Lea Michele’s body is under scrutiny; and Zac Efron’s body was on top of Nicki Minaj’s body when they played hide the kielbasa over the summer. Ready? Leggo.

“KIM’S NEW BODY!”

Kim Kardashian’s “new” body has been revealed: it’s Kim’s old body from 2009! April 2009, to be precise. To be clear: The photograph of Kim on this cover (next to the words “new body”) was taken in 2009. Is that even legal? As if Kim (Steve Jobs enthusiast and golden iPhone owner) would ever be photographed wielding an old model of the smart phone. AS IF. Oh, well, carry on; the magazine explicates in excruciatingly boring detail the made-up diet Kim is following to have achieved her old shape. According to an “insider,” Kim “posts pictures of herself at her heaviest and her thinnest all over the house — especially the kitchen — to stay motivated.” Sigh. In great parenting news, Kris Jenner has reportedly concocted a new reality show that will follow her not-yet-divorced daughter Khloe’s attempts to find a new boyfriend. It will be called “Khloe Goes Solo.” According to another Kardashian insider (HOW MANY KARDASHIAN INSIDERS ARE THERE?), Khloe is not down. Elsewhere in the mag, we are treated to a look at Robert Pattinson’s new girlfriend Dylan Penn, definitely courtesy of a former English major: Dylan is “tall, lithe and blonde, with the full lips and elegant cheekbones of her mother, Robin Wright — but not, so far as we know, the mercurial temperament of her father, Sean Penn.” What else say ye, o bard? Well, the “erstwhile screen vampire has trained his brooding blue eyes on Dylan.” But he does not want to be tied down just yet, so the tender sapling of their love is still but a fragile bud (or whatever). Moving on: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift have been engaged in a very passive aggressive “cat fight” for years untold. And now the two are really lashing out: Miley made a vague comment about how wearing gowns to the VMAs is uncool (BURN! TAYLOR WORE A GOWN!); Miley wrote a song called 23 (DAMN. TAYLOR WROTE A SONG CALLED 22 LAST YEAR. THAT’S ONE LESS THAN 23); Miley said that she wasn’t a role model in an interview and then Taylor said it was important to be a role model in a different interview (ZING!). All of Hollywood has been divided into warring factions in preparation for the eventual battle between the two (Fig 1). Moving on: Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Snooki lost 110 pounds between the three of them, in case you were wondering. And, finally: JEN & ANGIE’S [HYPOTHETICAL] WEDDING DRESSES FOR THEIR WEDDINGS [THAT HAVE YET TO BE ANNOUNCED] “REVEALED.” As in, here are some wedding gowns these ladies COULD wear IF they do get married. What a scoop.

Grade: F (giant deadly maelstrom with planet-changing flood)

“I WON’T LET FAME DESTROY OUR FAMILY”

Willie, the patriarch of the family in Duck Dynasty (which is NOT a bird version of Meerkat Manor), is worried about how his 16-year-old daughter Sadie will handle her newfound fame. The mag helpfully lists all the various ways that she could be DESTROYED: “the inevitable pressure to be scary-skinny,” “sleazy men,” twerking (probably). But she’s fine and normal and well-balanced for now. Good talk, everyone. Moving on: Khloe Kardashian is moving on, clubbing with rapper The Game. The Game spent $13,500 on cocktails to impress her (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE) at a nightclub, and everyone had a good time. Meanwhile, Lamar Odom is allegedly holed up “smoking crack, listening to rap and partying with two young women.” Next: in a breathtaking display of poor taste, the magazine has published a lil’ something entitled “Grieving Lea’s Not Eating,” in which they scrutinize Lea Michele’s body (“her arms and legs looked pin-thin and her chest almost concave”) and determine that she’s having a hard time coping with her former boyfriend Cory Monteith’s death. The editors literally contacted a nutritionist to estimate how much weight the “5-foot-2 actress has lost… since Cory’s death.” Blergh, gross, horrible. Elsewhere in the magazine, Real Housewife of New Jersey Caroline Manzo is having marriage problems that she can’t hide from her “three kids or the millions of Real Housewives of New Jersey fans,” her other children. The copy alleges that fellow cast member Penny Drossos accused Al Manzo of cheating on Caroline; although the producers “sensitively edited out Penny’s allegations,” the Manzos have decided to leave the show, lest their disintegrating marriage become a plot line. Yawn.

Grade: F (village-destroying tsunami)

“Aunt Karen Tells All: The Kardashians EXPOSED”

If you’re like us, you likely read this headline and thought, “Who the FUCK is Aunt Karen?” Well, Aunt Karen is Kris Jenner’s sister who lives sequestered in the mountains, and she’s about to tell all. By “all,” we mean that she repeats vague rumors that you’ve already read in tabloids and then affirms that everyone in the Kardashian family is very nice, albeit a bit controlling. Aunt Karen on Khloe: “Khloe’s been going through hell… She’s one of the strongest girls I know.” Aunt Karen on Kim: “She’s a fabulous mother.” Aunt Karen on Bruce Jenner: “a phenomenal brother in law.” AUNT KAREN SPEAKS: THE KARDASHIANS EXPOSED AS A LOVELY BUNCH OF PEOPLE. Next. The Jezebel – Melissa Gorga feud has made its way into the hallowed pages of In Touch (Fig. 2). Take a moment to wipe away the single tear of pride welling in your eye. Gorga continues to express shock at the notion that encouraging men to forcibly have sex with “their women” without obtaining consent is the same thing as promoting marital rape. “The passages that Jezebel used were deliberately twisted to create shock and push the reviewer’s own agenda,” she tells the mag. OH, OKAY. Moving on: Kim Kardashian went to Paris without her baby, which means that it’s time to shame her for being a bad mother. Kanye, of course, is blameless: he’s spent 32 days away from the 3-month-old already, but “he’s all about style and image and fashion,” says a pal, so it’s totally okay. Also the magazine has made up that Kanye has a “creepy obsession” with Miley, based entirely on quotes from her Rolling Stone interview. He texted her! He bought her slippers! Kim better watch out! Elsewhere in the mag, we are treated to an account of Halle Berry’s Drama In The Delivery Room. Only, there is no drama, and there is no delivery room — Berry has had a very uncomplicated pregnancy and she’s still pregnant. Ho hum. In other news, Justin Bieber’s tourmate, the more boring (i.e. less likely to pee on photo of Bill Clinton) Cody Simpson was spotted flirting with Bieber’s alleged woman, Jacque Rae Pyles. This story is very good because it ends with Jacque discreetly giving her number to CODY’S MOM. She is 19 and he is 16; it’s possible that even these two sweet little singing munchkins are a bit too old to communicate through their parents, but whatever. Good for you, Jacque. Get it, girl.

Grade: D (hurricane-induced very rough seas)

“Inside Kate’s New Home”

Sad news, guys: There are no photographs from inside the Princess Shinylocks Lair. However, we get a pretty good description of what Kate Middleton has done with Apartment 1A in Kensington Palace — or KP, as the insiders call it. The 20-room apartment has Corinthian lamps, a $50k Persian rug (on loan from the royal attic), central air, WiFi, and is decorated in “beiges, creams, and earthier colors.” Zzzzzzzz. Oh, and: “Kate broke royal tradition and did not command separate bedrooms, though she did opt for the customary separate bathrooms.” Smart. One somber detail: Each window has a net curtain on it to protect against shattered glass, just in case someone tries to hurl a brick or whatever. The mag points out that Kensington Palace is “a bit like” a Royal Melrose Place, a bunch of randoms live there — Princess Michael of Kent is in Apt.10, the Duke of Gloucester is in Apt. 1, and Harry might move into Apt. 4B. (Fig. 3) Moving on! Miley Cyrus was so pissed that Liam Hemsworth moved on to another woman so quickly that she handed out his cell phone number to total strangers at the iHeartRadio festival. Mature. George Clooney had a sleepover with a Croatian model, according to an “insider” we’ll assume is a throw pillow. Oprah is planning her 60th birthday party, which will take place in Montecito, CA in January, and will be the “party to end all parties,” with Beyoncé and Diana Ross performing and the Obamas chilling in the corner. Finally, in Kardashian news, Khloe has made the decision to file for divorce from Lamar Odom — she called him on their anniversary to break the news. Sources say she thinks he needs to be treated for his disease — addiction — but since he insists he doesn’t have a problem, she needs to move on. Le sigh.

Grade: D+ (rolling barrel waves)

“BROKE!”

When Aaron Spelling died, he left Tori and her brother Randy “just” $800,000 each. Mom Candy Spelling got the rest of the TV mogul’s $500 million fortune. Now an “insider” says Tori and husband Dean can’t keep up with their lifestyle — can’t even afford to go on vacation — even though Tori has written six books, launched a jewelry line, opened a furniture store and started a children’s clothing line. She also recently signed on to star and produce a sitcom pilot for ABC Family. There’s a sidebar about how the couple lost more than $800k in real estate in the last five years if you’re interested in that kind of thing. Next: Jennifer Aniston was shooting a flick called Squirrels to Nuts but demanded a character in the script get a name change — from “Angie” (WHOOPS) to “Izzy.” Catherine Zeta-Jones is using retail therapy to deal with her troubled marriage; she recently bought an $80K watch, $300K worth of clothes and a new Tesla. Justin Timberlake maybe cheated on Jessica Biel while in Rio; he was seen kissing a married Brazilian actress. A source claims Jessica is worried about JT being faithful since he’s going on his world tour and uh, yeah. Okay now HERE is something we haven’t heard before: Nicki Minaj hooked up with Zac Efron??!?! A “pal” says: “Nicki took Zac to her house in West Hollywood… She said he was the best lover she’s ever had.” We do not believe for one second that she used the words “best lover” for one minute, but we desperately want to believe that Z.Ef got all up in Nicki’s currrves, even for just one night, because: Hot. HOT. In other hit it ‘n quit it news Benicio Del Toro and Cameron Diaz are “dating,” as in hanging out but hiding from the paparazzi together. Hayden Panettiere is allegedly banging her (married) Nashville costar Jay Hernandez, and not being discreet about it at all, because what happens in Nashville stays in Nashville? A source says: “Everyone knew about it.” Finally, there’s a delightful story in this issue titled “Khloe Goes to Pot,” which claims the Kardashian sister has “become heavily reliant on marijuana to deal with the pain and humiliation of her failed marriage.” There’s an explanation of how Scott Disick rolled something called “a joint” which surely involved the finest paper, a smoking jacket and velvet slippers.

Grade: C (white capped surf)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Us