This Week In Tabloids: Miley's Coke Parties Have Offended the Kennedys
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness where each week we dip a toe into the shit pool known as Hollywood! Today, Kim and Kanye are headed towards ruin, Channing Tatum is trying to Magic Mike his way into another baby and Kate Middleton has exposed herself as a psychic and possible Grand Supreme. Cut with the hesitation, make sure your mouth is closed and CANNON BALL in, baby. The water is fine.
Life & Style
PREGNANT BY ONE MAN, IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER
HOLLYWOOD HORNYYYYYYYY. Leaving behind her husband and kids to shoot I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!, Kendra Wilkinson, former girlfriend and wet nurse to Hugh Hefner, has been flirting with her co-star Jake Quickenden, a UK reality star who “loves a MILF every now and then.” Nicholas Hoult’s fleeting romance with Kristen Stewart has come to an end because Nick is still loves Jennifer Lawrence and Stewart can’t get over Robert Pattinson.
Prince William gets a B+ on the “Boyfriend Report Card” for buying Kate Middleton flowers, which is basically like getting a B+ on a real report card for writing an essay on phoniness in Catcher in the Rye—low-level of difficulty and entirely predictable. Meanwhile, Evan Ross gets a B for sharing clothes with his wife Ashlee Simpson. Do you think he ever wears the “Punk” tank top from the “Pieces of Me” video? Kris Jenner is getting married to a gold digger, but the jokes on him because Kris Jenner is going to live forever. We end, of course, is self-love, the purest form of love, which sweet lil angel Demi Lovato is finally experiencing in spades.
From this week’s cover story: Pregnant Khloé: Torn Between Two Men! Khloé Kardashian is pregnant with French Montana’s baby, but is still in love with estranged husband Lamar Odom. >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( While French has been “spotted shopping for Khloé-style stilettos” and spending time with Khloé’s fellow Kardashians, Khloé has been secretly pining for Lamar, and by “secretly pining,” we really mean that she’s refusing to go through with her divorce and has stated publicly, on her widely watched reality show, that “If I had it my way, I would still be married to Lamar.” SECRETS INDEED. Of course, it’s gotten even more complicated now that Khlo is knocked up with French’s baby. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
Justin Bieber is “planning the ultimate gesture to win over his ex” Selena Gomez. Kidnapping? No! A proposal! After Miley Cyrus’s 22nd birthday party where “some people even had cocaine and molly” (you think?), Maria Shriver is demanding that her son Patrick Schwarzenegger dump the pop star, but Patrick is all, “Nah, we’re good.” Excessively flaunting her wealth, Jaime King often splurges on Fiji water at ballet class, which I guess is the rich person equivalent of how we peasants snack on swamp mud while working in the fields. If that doesn’t make sense, it’s because the swamp mud snakes have gotten to my brain. Pregnant celebrities are PUTTING THEIR BODIES ON PARADE and Victoria’s Secret model Lily Aldridge gives us the diet secrets to becoming an angel (die, become weightless, go to heaven).
Grade: A “Boyfriend Report Card” B+, or a real world C-
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JENNA & CHANNING: BABY TO SAVE MARRIAGE
Stars are just like us: Miserable! Miley Cyrus’ Instagram “reflects a laid-back attitude towards housework,” i.e. she’s stewing in her own filth. Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz’s close friendship is on the rocks after Drew said that she doesn’t think Cam’s fiancé Benji Madden is “perfect” for her. Does Benji Madden smoke a fuck-ton of weed? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the main requirement for being “perfect” for Cameron Diaz. Sources say that Sean Penn is looking for a way out of his relationship with Charlize Theron because he wants to “roam the world and live day to day.” Meanwhile, Charlize thinks Sean is too moody (remember when he got “moody” and hit his ex-wife with a baseball bat?) and doesn’t pay enough attention to her son—something her son can be eternally grateful for. Down under, Keith Urban has “put his boot down” and refused to let Nicole Kidman’s grieving mother move in with them. WAY TO SHOW THAT WIDOW WHO’S BOSS.
Channing and Jenna Tatum’s love story is a tale as old as time: “Two aspiring actors with a love of dance—and an electric chemistry—cast to play romantic leads in 2006’s Step Up.” (We’ve all been there!) Unfortunately, the pair has hit some speed bumps—Channing’s career has flourished while Jenna’s has floundered, he’s away from home too much, Jenna feels like a single mom to their daughter and Channing won’t stop flirting with his co-stars—so they’re looking to fix things the reasonable way: couples counseling having another baby. “Jenna made him promise that if there were another baby on the way, Chan would be a more committed family man,” says a source who’s strangely not embarrassed to put the nickname “Chan” in print. Seems like a flawless plan.
In other makeups and breakups news, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, the two members of One Direction voted “Most Likely to Be Fucking” by Tumblr, “barely speak anymore.” And that’s not the only update to 1D DRAM DOT COM: Zayn Malik is totally over the band and, according to sources, “making some questionable life choices.” Also in discord: the judges of The Voice—Gwen Stefani is too self-conscious, Pharrell spends too long in his dressing room, Blake Shelton is a “stinkin’ flirt” and Adam Levine has been exposed as chunky male thumb ring that’s been posing as human!
Grade: C+, Step Up 2: The Broadsheets
Star
PREGNANT KATE: IT’S A GIRL!
In case Star‘s hysterical headline didn’t tip you off, pregnant Kate Middleton is having a girl, but that’s burying the lede because Kate Middleton IS ALSO A WITCH. An “insider” (pretty weird code word for that talking crow that follows her everywhere) says that “Kate teared up and said ‘I knew it,’ when she learned her baby’s gender.” Also, “Kate wasn’t surprised by the news that she’s expecting a girl.” MOTHER’S INTUITION OR IS THERE WITCHERY AFOOT?! The baby, who shall be named Margaret, will have “a wardrobe to die for.” Great, now there are sacrifices involved.
Reese Witherspoon was photographed drinking before noon (Fig. 1), which would probably make me more upset if I wasn’t recreationally drunk on cough syrup right now (but since I am, I say YOUU GO ON REESE’S WITHERSPOONSSSS). Headline of the week: Hugh’s Wife Jacks Up Her Face. SWIPE LEFT! Jon Gosselin is really into Tinder (Fig. 2). SWIPE LEEEEEFT! Jessica Chastain wants A RING (engagement, not Nuva) from her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s like, “Pass.” Star covered the racial politics of Halle Berry’s ex Gabriel Aubry straightening their daughter’s hair with surprising sensitivity (JKJKJKJKJK). Kathleen Turner doesn’t look like she did 30 years ago and Star is recognizing that as normal ((JKJKJKJKJK).
Taylor Swift is WASTING AWAY says some rando who is neither her friend nor doctor. “Taylor Swift has always had the appetite of a sparrow, but ever since she moved to New York she’s become fixated on her body image,” says an insider. “She used to be a size zero, but she’s dropped down to a sub-zero. Her frame looks so fragile these days.” Um, please relax, Lena Dunham.
Grade: D. The shriveled up corpse Kate Middleton will leave behind in order to give her daughter a wardrobe to DIE FOR.
US Weekly
THEIR LAST CHRISTMAS
Pity the parents imprisoned for fraud! Teresa and Joe Giudice had one last emotional Thanksgiving before Tre gets sent off to the clink. Busted for conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, bank fraud, making false statements on loan applications and bankruptcy fraud, Teresa will serve 15 months in prison, followed by her husband who will serve 41 months after her release. Despite the couple appearing as a united front, US reports that Teresa is reluctant to leave Joe alone with the kids and is on the look out for a “gay ‘manny.'”
Once again, though, the real story here is between the lines. Milania Giudice—Teresa and Joe’s second youngest daughter and Bravo’s tiniest psycho—continues to hint at her future as America’s most prolific serial killer by using Thanksgiving dinner to express gratitude that “Teresa’s dad isn’t dead yet” (a threat if I’ve ever heard one) and telling her parents that she wants a new pet for Christmas. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OLD PETS, MILANIA?! WHERE ARE THE OLD PETS?!
Reese’s Witherspoonssss is actively trying to shed her image as America’s Sweetheart by dancing at weddings and partying with Sofia Vergara. A lot of celebrities are intentionally forgetting their underoos (Fig. 3). Ooooh, Gabrielle Union whispers her secrets to the lizards who live in her yard. Bet they know a lot of unflattering stories about Kirsten Dunst from the set of Bring It On. ZZZZZ: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka say their greatest collaboration is…their kids. Turns out that models and Taylor Swift stay in shape by going to a fitness class called ModelFit. Don’t these idiots read Star? Taylor stays thin by having the appetite of a sparrow/snackin’ on bird seed.
Grade: F. MILANIA IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
inTouch
KIM’S HUMILIATION: DIVORCE PAPERS AFTER 6 MONTHS
Eva Mendes says it’s hard to be a baby, but as someone who just had to pay $25 dollars in processing fees to order a duvet cover from West Elm, I gotta say that adulthood is no cakewalk either. Susan Boyle is the “Winner of the Week” for getting her first boyfriend at 53 (Fig. 4) and, yes, inTouch— we hear the implied sarcasm there. This cat is too cool for school (Fig. 5). JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL: Teen Mom’s Leah Messer-Calvert has turned to church to overcome her demons (although when your “demons” are a “pill addiction,” normal rehab seems like a safer bet).
Janice Dickenson has offered to take a polygraph test to prove that she’s telling the truth about allegedly being sexually assaulted by Bill Cosby and she challenges Bill Cosby to do the same. Seems highly unlikely that Cosby will do it, though. Sources claim that he’ll instead “defend himself in an exclusive TV interview on a ‘friendly platform’ like the Today Show or the Late Show with David Letterman.” It’s hard to see a TV star you admire go through such bullshit (and yes, I’m talking about the beloved star of Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency).
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s wedding was followed by “a lavish Great Gatsby themed reception,” which makes me wonder if she understood the point of The Great Gatsby. So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into a cycle of Gym Tan Laundry.
The couple’s reps deny it, but inTouch insists that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are headed for kivorce after Kanye blew of Kanksgiving dinner to fly to Paris. “Kim was furious he dumped her and North for the holiday and mortified that she had to show up at Khloé’s alone…She’s getting ready to file divorce papers,” says a source (Khloé’s non-existent unborn baby). Divorce comes with some major concerns, however: 1.) Kanye might want to take North to France, “which is Kim’s worst nightmare” and 2.) Kanye might leak info about an alleged threesome he had with Kim and another famous woman several years ago, which she fears could damage her career. Based on Kim’s Ray J-stained road to fame, I think she’ll come out ahead of this.
Grade: D+. There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.
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