This Week in Tabloids: Kylie & Kendall Are Your New Teen Trainwrecks

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman assists as we gleefully embark on a search and destroy mission for “news” in In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. It should be noted that because the weekly tabloids close their issues on Monday nights, not a single magazine had a story about Kim and Kanye’s engagement. Whoops! Nice timing on Kanye’s part. Instead, we have: Katie Holmes being seduced by Jamie Foxx; Jennifer Aniston being diagnosed with twins (again); and Scott “American Psycho” Disick has been pouring vodka down the teenage throats of Kylie and Kendall Jenner. Ready? Let’s do this.

“TWIN BOYS FOR JEN!”

Stop me oh ho ho stop me, stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before. The cover screams “PREGNANCY EXCLUSIVE!” The actress is touching her torso. But if you look closely at the fine fine fine print on the “twins ultrasound,” it reads, “ultrasound could look like this.” (Fig. 1) So: Those stunt fetuses do not belong to Jennifer Aniston. But you knew that, right? Inside, the mag notes that Jen was at an event where she “dressed more conservatively than usual” in a “black pinstripped [sic] pantsuit.” Ladies, forget EPT: you know you’re knocked up if you find yourself in a pantsuit. The story goes on to clarify that Jen and Justin are “working on” twin boys and “hoping for twins” and “hoping for boys.” In other words: Not pregnant. No twins. Nothing to see/buy here. Although: One could write a highly detailed analytic thesis on fame, success, a woman’s worth, the implied sanctity of motherhood and the Aniston pregnancy narrative, especially the language here: “Jen’s baby dream is finally coming true — and she’s giving Justin TWO sons at once!” Giving. The only other item of note in the issue is the one claiming David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are “partners for real!” because they were touchy-feely at a PaleyFest appearance. X-Files shippers, feel free to clip this and put it in the old scrapbook.

Grade: F (hitting a wasp nest with a baseball bat)

“YES, WE’RE HAVING A BABY!”

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are not having a baby. A friend of the couple says they are trying to have a baby by the end of the year. The friend is apparently privy to their sex schedule, which exists. Okay. In other news, Kim Kardashian is ditching Khloe to hang out with Blac Chyna, whom the magazine helpfully designates as a former stripper. This is a betrayal, because Lamar has gone to strip clubs? We don’t know. Whatever. Moving on: Prince William and Kate Middleton are BREAKING ALL THE RULES with Prince George’s christening (except for the “put your baby in an ornate dress” rule). They didn’t invite several key members of the royal family. They served cheap champagne. They didn’t choose royals for godparents, opting instead to choose commoners with made-up names like Fergus Boyd and Hugh van Cutsem. (Also, this was printed before the actual Christening took place, so this info could be wrong.) Elsewhere in the mag, Cameron Diaz is embarrassed to learn that A-Rod, whom she dated, used to see lots of prostitutes while they were together. This revelation comes from a new book written about the building he lived in. According to a resident at that address, “He got hookers all the time. Usually two at a time, two times a week.” Once, Cameron Diaz arrived 10 minutes after a pair of sex workers had left. Ughhhhhh. Next: Kanye was rude and disruptive while watching the Philip Glass opera. That’s So Kanye.

Grade: F (stepping on a fire ant hill)

“GWYNETH CHEATED!”

Gwyneth Paltrow is all mad at Vanity Fair because the magazine has plans to run a story about her alleged affair with Miami billionaire Jeff Soffer. This allegedly took place in 2008 at the opening of his hotel, the Fontainebleau. What follows is a perhaps unhealthy amount of schadenfreude about the life of a stranger: “Gwyneth’s boasts… have made her a polarizing figure,” “Another lightning rod? Her Goop website, which offers out-of-touch lifestyle tips,” “Gwyneth constantly [brags] about her idyllic life, a habit that may now be backfiring as accusations of infidelity threaten to tear her world apart.” Ooookay. Moving on: some Real Housewives garbage. Caroline Manzo is no longer proud of appearing on RHONJ, although she was at one point?? And now that she’s departing for her own show, her sister Dina Manzo may return to Real Housewives, but only if her sister-in-law Jacqueline Laurita is no longer on the show. Yawn, abject confusion. Next: Kim Kardashian tweeted that butt pic because she is “desperate for attention,” which is not news to anyone in the world. “She loves her daughter, but she loves herself and her image a lot, too,” says a family friend, surprising literally no one. In other news, Amanda Bynes is improving after receiving one-on-one treatment and heavy medication, says the mag. She attends therapy with her family, and she’s now permitted to use her cellphone during the day. Here’s hoping she continues to recover. Finally, a 4-page Stars Without Makeup spread (Fig. 2), because comparing women’s beauty and shaming those who look tired and/or old will never go out of style. Sigh.

Grade: D- (falling into pit of carpet vipers)

“TEENAGE TRAINWRECKS”

Kendall and Kyle Jenner are OUT OF CONTROL, according to everyone from da club and also a single photograph of the two lookin’ sleepy that the editors of Star flipped in order to make it look like two different shots — one on the cover, one inside (Fig 3). Tricky! Anyway, the mag takes this opportunity to provide a riveting narrative of the sisters’ night out with Scott Disick, who allegedly poured vodka down their throats and shouted obscenities while the littlest Jenners ground upon topless dancers. We are also treated to an anecdote with a very literary detail: “at Miley Cyrus’ iHeartRadio music festival after party… Kendall was even smoking pot… [she] inhaled and got red lipstick on it.” Poignant. Elsewhere in the mag, the editors wax rapturous about Kate Middleton’s post-baby stomach. This is a sentence that really appeared in print: “Behold the flat-as-an-ironing-board postbaby belly!” Behold! But do not behold too closely, lest you burst into flames at the sublime and unspeakable flat-as-an-ironing-board-ness! In other news, Lara Flynn Boyle has had too much plastic surgery. Don’t worry, though: a plastic surgery expert says her face could easily be fixed (with more plastic surgery). Moving on: Eva Mendes doesn’t want to marry Ryan Gosling because of her “postmodern views on marriage.” Eva Mendes is incredulous to the meta-narrative of marriage. Eva thinks that Ryan Gosling’s identity is a construct. Next: Miley Cyrus rolled and smoked “at least seven blunts” and “guzzled a $100,000 bottle of champagne” at a nightclub. According to a witness, she later straddled a mystery man. Miley Cyrus is a superhuman creature capable of straddling even under the influence of seven joints.

Grade: D (swimming with swarm of box jellyfish)

“KATIE’S SECRET FLING”

Technically, the Katie Holmes/Jamie Foxx affair is old news, but there are some fairly juicy details in this cover story. Back in August, Katie and Jamie both attended a benefit in the Hamptons and things got heated on the dancefloor. In fact, reads the copy, “flirting had reached a fever pitch.” At 1:30 A.M., Jamie was trying to get Katie to go to his room, and “it worked.” They were both tipsy and they hooked up. But when the news leaked, Tom Cruise was not happy, because he considers Jamie a friend, and friends aren’t supposed to play hide the kielbasa with your ex-wife. The story goes on to describe Jamie as the master seducer: “His favorite thing to do is look you in the eyes and serenade you while dancing. He’s so good that before you know it, you’re in his bed and he’s calling you a car home.” Not sure who the source is on this, but it sounds like she’s speaking from experience. Or else it’s Jamie Foxx himself? Anyway: It was just a one-time thing. Katie and Jamie are just friends. Yawn. Also inside: Kim’s public booty text to Kanye his her way of proving that her regimen — Atkins diet plus twice-a-day-Pilates and Barry’s Bootcamp workouts — is working. Even if it sounds exhausting. Finally: Despite having Oscars and Golden Globes, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are living a relatively normal, quiet life in Madrid with their two kids. Rich and mind-blowingly beautiful, but normal.

Grade: D (locked in shed with rabid raccoon)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Star