Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman assists as we endure the torture of reading celebrity tabloids, checking out the new issues of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston is sad and lonely again; Angelina Jolie hates Sandra Bullock; and Kim Kardashian is seeing a plastic surgeon behind "everyone's back." Grit your teeth: this is going to hurt.
NORTH WEST BABY ALBUM!
The mag has collected every existing picture of Baby North West into an album of sorts (Fig 1). Several of those pictures are public, from Instagram, and the others are of Baby North's covered-up stroller, but oh well. BABY NORTH ALBUM. According to an inside source, Baby North is the most photographed baby in all the land and Kim changes her outfit thrice daily. Moving on: Amanda Bynes will likely be allowed to return home for the holidays. She's currently staying at the Canyon rehab facility in Malibu; she's allowed to go out twice a week accompanied by a staffer — although she remains under heavy medication. In other news, Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult are secretly engaged? And planning on getting low-key married in Prague?? Is getting low-key married in Prague a thing? Only time will tell. In some very boring non-news, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not back together but they own a pair of dogs. Dylan Penn, Rob's not-serious-whatever, continues to be depicted as "chill" and "not like Kristen."
Grade: F (eardrum damage from lullabies played at 130 decibels)
JILTED BY HER FIANCE
Things are going badly with the Jennifer Aniston-Justin Theroux wedding, reports the magazine with barely concealed glee: "Yes, it's happening again." Time to trot out everyone's favorite narrative, "Jen is sad and alone." How do we know? Jennifer DIDN'T go to Robert Downey Jr.'s wife's birthday party, which is, um, a sure sign of end times? Here's some particularly insipid speculation: "Jen raised eyebrows when, amid reports of trouble in paradise, she dramatically changed her appearance by chopping off her trademark mane... a week after she pierced her ear." Jennifer Aniston got a bob and an earring. Jennifer Aniston is desperate for attention. In other news, Selena Gomez is totally grossed out by her ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber's behavior. She changed her cell number, guys. Goodbye, sweet Joffrey of Pop. Elsewhere in the mag, a picture of Khloe Kardashian and Scott Disick holding hands in public sparks panic and horror. The editors call their pair's "intimate body language... bizarre," which is weird because like half of every episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians revolves around family members mounting each other and screaming about their genitals. Chalk it up to different understandings of what constitutes intimacy? Moving on: the now-defunct News of the World had Kate Middleton on a list of Phones To Hack way back in 2006. Prince William is seething, but possibly because Kate didn't even crack the Top 10 Most Hackable (she was number 14 on the list). Finally, the mag has printed a 2-page spread entitled "Hey, Ladies: STOP STARVING YOURSELVES!" (Fig. 2), which hahahahahahaha. Saying that some stars are "TOO SKINNY" doesn't counteract years of saying that others are "NEVER GOING TO BE SEXY AGAIN."
Grade: F (forced to go seven days without food while being taunted with burgers and milkshakes)
Ooof, where to start with this: Kris Jenner is allegedly ferreting away millions of dollars so she can prevent Bruce Jenner from getting it in a divorce settlement. From here, however, the magazine takes an incredible diversion into the land of WHAT: When she was 18, Kris Jenner cheated on her boyfriend, professional golfer Cesar Sanudo, with Robert Kardashian — and also possibly with O.J. Simpson, says Sanudo's brother. Oh wow. Okay. Much intrigue. Moving on: Angelina Jolie totally hates Sandra Bullock because Sandy stole the lead role in Gravity. Well, at the very least, it's nice to see a fabricated feud between two women that has to do with their prestigious careers, rather than with a man. Right? Don't know anymore. Elsewhere in these hallowed pages, The editors have created that Miley-Bieber Trouble Timeline infographic you always wanted (Fig. 3). It spans from "CUTE THEN!" to "WILD NOW!" Great. Next: in the non-news item to top all non-news items, a woman who one time had sex with Jeremy Piven says that he's an asshole. But also she called him an "A-list actor" in the process of recounting her Piven sex odyssey. HAHAHA. Let's move on: Leah Remini is writing a $5 million tell-all about Scientology, says someone who is not Leah Remini or her rep. Not quite sure where the $5 million figure came from. Anyway, she apparently knows all about Tom Cruise's secret business and whether John Travolta is gay or not. So that'll be a fun (non-existent) read!
Grade: F (icepicks in eyeballs)
Life & Style
Inside this story is titled "How She Really Go Her Body Back," and alleges that Kim Kardashian has been seeing a cosmetic surgeon "behind everybody's back." How else is she so slim when she was seen eating at Wendy's and having pizza at Serafina? "She's been getting work done," claims the mag. The story swears that Dr. Ourian of Beverly Hills has been administering fillers, stretch-mark treatments, and a fat-reducing ultrasound procedure on her stomach that costs $5,000 a session. Her rep denies she's seeing Dr. Ourian but that doesn't stop the editors from claiming she's "cheating her way to perfection through procedures ordinary people can't afford." Me-ouch. The story also says you'll never see her coming out of the doctor's office, because she asks photographers to keep certain things quiet in exchange for pretty shots of her. Manipulation, nice. Anyway, just the latest chapter in the book of Tearing Women Down. Also inside: "When Will Her Parents Intervene" is a concern-trolly piece questioning why Tish and Billy Ray don't do something about Miley Cyrus, who is legally an adult. Does anyone wonder where the parents of the bad boys of rock and roll are? Page 34 hosts a story called "You're Not Good Enough for Harry," in which Kate Middleton looks down her pert nose at Cressida Bonas. Finally, in "Knife Styles of the Rich and Famous" — which used to be a column in Star, but it seems like L&S stole the name — Sandra Bullock's face is given the once-over. (Fig. 4) You can't star in a movie that has made half a BILLION dollars until you explain why you don't have laugh lines. Unless you're George Clooney, of course. Then you're allowed to have crinkles and wrinkles.
Grade: D- (five thousand punches in the stomach)
HOW BABY CHANGED KATE
Psst, have you heard? The Duchess had a kid. And while she and Prince William bring on a babysitter, Jessie Webb, when they must attend events, for the most part, the house is a "nanny-free zone." The news here is that both Kate and Wills are "tired" but she is an "extremely attentive mother" who never goes far from London and has not taken any overnight trips since the birth. She had "top-secret evasive-driving lessons and kidnap-prevention training" just in case, but she can't take her $2350 pram to the park and have a soy latter like other moms. Yet the world continues to revolve. Imagine. Also inside: Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are "talking marriage," which is like pre-pre-engagement announcement. Teresa Guidice has hired a legal coach and crisis manager, whose job is to "prepare [her and her family] for life while in the criminal justice system." Shit is real. Last, but not least, Kim and Kanye's wedding might be on TV, but only if it's done their way, says a source. It would be filmed by them, not a TV crew, and they'd sell it to a network. OMG does this mean Nick Knight could direct and there'd be wild horses and eagles? Fingers crossed.
Grade: D+ (no sleep for 48 hours)
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from Star
Fig. 4, from Life & Style