This Week in Tabloids: Justin Bieber's Infant Daughter Lives in Europe
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Kristine Gutierrez heads to the newsstand and snaps up the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Then we dine on greasy, chain restaurant-style meals of All-American gossip. This week: Everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow; Kim Kardashian is having cosmetic procedures while she has a bun in the oven; and Justin Bieber slept with a lady he met at a TGIFridays and nine months later a baby popped out.
Ok!
“Katie’s New Man”
Katie Holmes has a new man: it’s her Mania Days costar Luke Kirby. They have been spending time off set, having dinner and hanging out in each other’s trailers.To prove that Katie and Luke are totally boning with each other’s hearts, Ok! features photos from the FUCKING SET WHERE THEY PLAY A COUPLE IN LOVE. Sleazy, cheap and low. And! This story and this photo are also in In Touch and Star, so it’s not “only in Ok!” is In other news, Harry Potter is real because we have pictures to prove that shit. So we all know Rob Pattinson left KStew a few weeks back, but since Farrah Abraham is sort of old news Ok! thought it necessary to add the unnecessary detail of how RPatz sat down with KStew and then shit hit the fan. Like, that was the huge “inside news:” they sat down together to talk. Weak. Also inside: Star Trek’s gratuitous scene of Alice Eve stripping down in her undies, Elin Nordegren accusing Lindsey Vonn of being a PR makeover for Tiger Woods (really?!?!?), and Christina Aguilera lost 25 pounds so she could get Shakira’s abs. One fun thing: The mag tracks David Beckham’s numerous hairstyles throughout his career. It’s a simple reminder that everyone can be subjected to a shitty hair ‘do.
Grade: F (Old Country Buffet)
Life & Style
“Miranda’s Nights With Another Man!”
You need to chug a bottle of whisky to remotely tolerate the article about Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s rocky fucking marriage! It’s unclear whether it would be more stressful to be Miranda or Blake; either way, these fools have to constantly witness the explosive diarrhea that is their matrimonial bond flung on every gossip magazine cover. According to Life & Style, Miranda has been unfaithful to Blake because she has gone on tour with Eric Church and Dierks Bentley (aka CurlyHair McStubble), happens to smile whenever either joins her on stage for a song or hangs out with them. WAIT WHAT. WHISKEY. NOW. Moving on. Amanda Bynes alert: someone thinks that her parents are looking to get their daughter help after her arrest. It’s officially official (probably not): Kim is moving to la France because Kanye wants his family to be more out of the public eye. This magazine thinks that is bad because they would like to pry into their lives as much as possible. Apparently there is “DNA Drama” over January Jones’ child because she won’t reveal the father. She says that it’s “my son’s business… not the public’s business.” WHAT A BITCH. Not. She’s allowed to keep some shit private, thank you very much. Jennifer Lopez bought a $10 million house in the Hamptons. Jenny from the block. Lastly: Everyone is on the alkaline diet (Gwyneth Paltrow, Sienna Miller), which makes everyone run like the energizer bunny?
Grade: D- (Denny’s)