This Week in Tabloids: Justin Bieber's Infant Daughter Lives in Europe
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Kristine Gutierrez heads to the newsstand and snaps up the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Then we dine on greasy, chain restaurant-style meals of All-American gossip. This week: Everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow; Kim Kardashian is having cosmetic procedures while she has a bun in the oven; and Justin Bieber slept with a lady he met at a TGIFridays and nine months later a baby popped out.
Ok!
“Katie’s New Man”
Katie Holmes has a new man: it’s her Mania Days costar Luke Kirby. They have been spending time off set, having dinner and hanging out in each other’s trailers.To prove that Katie and Luke are totally boning with each other’s hearts, Ok! features photos from the FUCKING SET WHERE THEY PLAY A COUPLE IN LOVE. Sleazy, cheap and low. And! This story and this photo are also in In Touch and Star, so it’s not “only in Ok!” is In other news, Harry Potter is real because we have pictures to prove that shit. So we all know Rob Pattinson left KStew a few weeks back, but since Farrah Abraham is sort of old news Ok! thought it necessary to add the unnecessary detail of how RPatz sat down with KStew and then shit hit the fan. Like, that was the huge “inside news:” they sat down together to talk. Weak. Also inside: Star Trek’s gratuitous scene of Alice Eve stripping down in her undies, Elin Nordegren accusing Lindsey Vonn of being a PR makeover for Tiger Woods (really?!?!?), and Christina Aguilera lost 25 pounds so she could get Shakira’s abs. One fun thing: The mag tracks David Beckham’s numerous hairstyles throughout his career. It’s a simple reminder that everyone can be subjected to a shitty hair ‘do.
Grade: F (Old Country Buffet)
Life & Style
“Miranda’s Nights With Another Man!”
You need to chug a bottle of whisky to remotely tolerate the article about Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s rocky fucking marriage! It’s unclear whether it would be more stressful to be Miranda or Blake; either way, these fools have to constantly witness the explosive diarrhea that is their matrimonial bond flung on every gossip magazine cover. According to Life & Style, Miranda has been unfaithful to Blake because she has gone on tour with Eric Church and Dierks Bentley (aka CurlyHair McStubble), happens to smile whenever either joins her on stage for a song or hangs out with them. WAIT WHAT. WHISKEY. NOW. Moving on. Amanda Bynes alert: someone thinks that her parents are looking to get their daughter help after her arrest. It’s officially official (probably not): Kim is moving to la France because Kanye wants his family to be more out of the public eye. This magazine thinks that is bad because they would like to pry into their lives as much as possible. Apparently there is “DNA Drama” over January Jones’ child because she won’t reveal the father. She says that it’s “my son’s business… not the public’s business.” WHAT A BITCH. Not. She’s allowed to keep some shit private, thank you very much. Jennifer Lopez bought a $10 million house in the Hamptons. Jenny from the block. Lastly: Everyone is on the alkaline diet (Gwyneth Paltrow, Sienna Miller), which makes everyone run like the energizer bunny?
Grade: D- (Denny’s)
In Touch
“Plastic Surgery While Pregnant!”
First: Cruelest, most unflattering photo ever printed? Yeesh. Since the repetitive stories about the difficult relationship between fame-ophile Kim Kardashian and Francophile Kanye West need a break, we get to hear about Kim’s obvious obsession with plastic surgery and other shallow operations to maintain her beauty. There does seem to be some legitimate concern over how things like spray-tanning (and inhaling it), gel wraps at the salon, travelling and heels might affect her pregnancy, but none of those are plastic surgery procedures. Ambiguously mentioning that she has had plastic surgery “over the years” does not prove that she went underwent the same procedures while enceinte. So this is fucking stupid, sensationalist concern-trolling. Next: The mag also uses photos from Katie Holmes’ movie set to try to establish a relationship between her and her costar, Luke Kirby. While the two walk down the streets of NYC holding hands for the camera, the magazine wonders if “it was really just an act?” Seriously? Oh wait, JK, Katie’s costar has a long-term girlfriend. SORRY GUYS, THEY TRICKED YOU. The magazine got the super exclusive when they interviewed Vinny Guadagnino, who is still irrelevant. The momma’s boy is looking for another mom in his life, but a younger, hotter, richer, non-incest-y mom. Since we’re all tired of Kate Middleton preggers news (JK, we never are), next there’s a look into the life of a single mother who has a striking resemblance to the duchess. She’s earning as much as $1K/day to look like Kate! Moving on, we get to see stars wearing no make-up. Shocker: They look great, like people, because they are people. We end on a sweet note: Pictures of Romeo Beckham, the 10-year-old son of David and Victoria Beckham that demonstrate that he is a Belieber. (Fig. 1) He has similar swag and style!
Grade: D (TGIFriday’s)
Us
“It’s Over!”
Liam Hemsworth is “sick of her drama” and his engagement to Miley Cyrus is off, although apparently they still live together — they are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Miley told a “source”: “We’re done.” The Hemsworth brothers were skeptical of Miley and after she cut her hair — which in this piece is called “acting out” — the “sweet country girl” Liam proposed to disappeared. A source says now “she’s basically thugged out.” Pause for laughs. Also inside: Jessica Simpson wants to get married a few months after her baby is born; she told a friend: “Let’s have this wedding already before I get pregnant with another one!” Kim and Kanye recently spent $4,000 on a Lucite Vetro crib — which happens to be the same kind Blue Ivy has, of course. Next, Christina Aguilera lost 20 pounds by signing up for the Fresh Diet but is “prone” to “stress eating.” Join the club. Last, but not least, 88% of random people polled think Robert Pattinson should go out with Jennifer Lawrence next. SparkleVamp, you have your orders.
Grade: C (IHOP)
Star
“Hollywood Turns On Gwyneth!”
Picture an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, chasing ol’ Goop down Sunset Boulevard. Well that is not what’s happening. This story consists of “insider” quotes, conjecture and rumor, insisting that producers don’t really want to work with GP anymore. There are no direct quotes from these celebs, but sources claim that Madonna wants nothing to do with her, Reese Witherspoon ignores her, Kate Hudson thinks she’s elitist, Jennifer Garner thinks she’s like a high school mean girl, and Jennifer Lopez has no patience for the “whiny little rich girl.” Even Chris Martin wishes his wife would take it down a notch. As for Gwyneth, she is “obsessed with getting Angelina to like her because she knows Angelina has class and power.” HA! Rich, coming from the magazine who always claims Saint Angie is wasting away and collapsing and on drugs. Let’s move on. Amanda Bynes had sex with some dude for Molly, “but said he had a little dick, so she would never do that again.” Taylor Swift feels like she’s stuck in a rut and is “in awe” of the way Miley Cyrus switches it up with her clothes and hair. Keep your eye out for Taylor with a gamine hair cut, guys. Anne Hathaway is making everyone on her staff call her Miss Hathaway. And the problem is? Justin Bieber may have fathered a child with a “European woman” he met at a TGIFridays in Miami Beach (sadface). A source says he was 15 when he invited the 25-year-old back to his hotel room; nine months later a tiny low-slung jeans-wearing baby girl popped out. The kid is allegedly 2½ now. This story comes complete with text messages allegedly from Justin, including one that reads, “our little secret?” Real? Or page from the script of Pretty Little Liars? You be the judge. (Fig. 2) Brandon Andreen, one of the poor showponies being paraded around for Des on The Bachelorette, is a “lunkhead” who phoned in a bomb scare to an automobile factory in 2005. He was charged wih a felony count but argued he was “kidding.” Last, but not least, Jim Toth’s ex-girlfriend tells the magazine that she’s not surprised he was busted for drunk driving, because he was always a “slimy” drunk and “manipulative snake” who drunk-dialed her all the time. Best wishes to Reese Witherspoon, though!
Grade: C+ (Red Lobster)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from Star