Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we move into a mansion in New Jersey only to find Gwyneth Paltrow has started sending us packages containing things like recipes for gluten-free versions of whatever we cooked the night before, moisturizers, cases of SmartWater, and sex tips based on what she’s “been observing through the windows.” This week: Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are gonna be parents, Queen Elizabeth made up a silly nickname for Kate, Jennifer Aniston cheated on Brad Pitt with Matt LeBlanc, and the Kardashians get psychologically profiled by scores of unqualified E! viewers.

Here we go.


OK!

JENNIFER & CHRIS: WEDDING & A BABY

Look at the stars, look how they shine for them. And all the things they...phlegm. Yeah, it was all yellow. OK, that joke may not have worked out, but you know what is working out? Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence’s relationship! Some people have been saying that it’s over, but those people clearly aren’t part of their inner circle, because people in their inner circle (according to some people outside it) are saying they’re engaged. “And, on top of that, Jen is eager to get pregnant.” Pregnant Jennifer Lawrence! Can you imagine pregnant Jennifer Lawrence doing interviews? Talking about cravings pimento cheese and orange Jell-O while farting more than usual? Jimmy Fallon would explode. He’d literally explode. Anyway, before she gets knocked up, the happy couple is going to have a fabulous wedding, and Gwyneth is going to be involved. “She sent Jen an aggressive not saying how excited she was to help with the planning...Jen wants to tell Gwyneth to back off, but she doesn’t want to rock the boat—at least not yet.”

In an interview with OK!, Paul LeBlanc revealed some of his son Matt’s “dark secrets.” He said Matt has “always been wild and reckless,” and that he “drinks like a fish.” The interview gets pretty dark, and left a pretty bad taste in my mouth. Anonymous/fake sources are one thing, but when it’s someone’s father? On the record? Just read these quotes:

  • “He was as good-looking as anyone in Hollywood, but he isn’t going to age well. It’s the high life—I’ll see him with his gut hanging over his belt.”
  • “Matthew is not a compassionate individual. He is a control freak, and the more money he has, the more fucking ruthless he is.”
  • “I’m very proud of what he’s achieved, but I’m very hurt by the person he’s become.”
  • “One minute he’s extremely generous, and the next he’s ripping you apart.”

How much did OK! pay you for this, Mr. LeBlanc?

Teresa Giudice is halfway through her prison sentence, but she’s completely finished with her marriage. Joe Giudice has been “brazenly [stepping] out with a 27-year-old bartender that he picked up at a strip club” and was recently “spotted dining out with” her “on the night of daughter Gia’s middle school graduation (rather than celebrating with family).” Excuse me, fambly. An insider says Teresa “wants to get out of jail and punch his lights out.” Not the best idea for someone newly released from prison, Teresa, but I feel you. I feel you.


And Also:

  • Nicole Scherzinger is “out of control.”
  • Who is Nicole Scherzinger again?
  • Katherine Heigl is firing her momager.
  • Kendall Jenner is lonely.
  • Amber Heard legally changed her name to Amber Depp.
  • Iggy Azalea called off her engagement to Nick Young. Again.
  • Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are only spending $75 a day on their “RV honeymoon”
  • Mariah Carey and That Billionaire are on permanent vacation.
  • Jimmy Fallon’s wife Nancy Juvonen is “fed up” with his drinking.

Grade: C- (Gwyneth Paltrow writes you a passive aggressive note after finding out you ate pizza three times this week.)


Life & Style

UNDER ATTACK BY ROYAL FAMILY: FED-UP KATE FIGHTS BACK

Kate Middleton is “UNDER ATTACK” and William is “caught in the middle.” After years of “desperately struggling to make her in-laws happy,” Life & Style is reporting that “tensions are at an all time high.” And you’ll never believe what they all call her. Get ready…

LAZY KATIE.

But wait! Wait wait wait! The Royals have more nicknames tucked away inside their enormous hats. The Queen apparently calls her “Duchess of Do-Little” behind her back. Or maybe to her face! Honestly it’s probably to her face, and then Kate just has to smile and squeeze William’s knee under the dinner table and pretend not to care. Don’t you just love the fact that the blood Royals don’t like Kate because she doesn’t do anything? The Royals have literally two jobs: to survive, and to make sure their clothes are never wrinkled. Kate’s a mother of two. The Queen hangs out with Corgis. Calm down, idiots.

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Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian may have officially called it quits, Kris Jenner
still sees plenty of money making opportunities.
She plans to start “using Scott’s deadly drug binge for ratings.” He’s reportedly “addicted to cocaine,” partying “nonstop,” not sleeping, having sex with countless women all the time, and in “such bad shape, friends fear he’ll die.” But, reports an insider, “Kris Jenner and other members of the Kardashian clan have one thought on their minds: This could be ratings gold.” And expert (in what?) named Julie Armstrong says “the Kardashians are helping him stay sick.”

Life & Style published a list of the A-listers who’ve chosen sides now that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing, and it’s pretty wonderful:

TEAM JEN:

  • Reese Witherspoon
  • Molly Sims
  • Jason Bateman
  • Jessica Biel
  • Victor Garber

TEAM BEN:

  • Bradley Cooper
  • George Clooney
  • Amy Adams
  • Matt Damon
  • Jimmy Kimmel

Is this a physical fight? Verbal? Will they compete in some kind of game? However they decide to hash it out, it’s clear that Team Jen will win. And if you disagree, you’re wrong.

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Please note that Jen’s former Alias co-star, Bradley Cooper, has chosen Ben and not her. Cooper has said in the past that he “would do anything for Ben.” Cool.

And Also:

  • Kim Kardashian’s assistant carries a chair at all times so she can sit whenever she wants.
  • Rumer Willis is on Bumble!!! (Is anyone else?)
  • Mariah Carey will move to Australia for That Billionaire.
  • Ruby Rose says she and Demi Lovato have banged.
  • Sean Lowe, the former “Virgin Bachelor” is not so good at the sex, says his wife.
  • Bella Thorne and her friends went surfing.
  • Ariel Winter and Laurent CLaude Gaudette went jet skiing.
  • Kristen Stewart and Julianne Moore went gambling. (They win)
  • Katy Perry wants to have John Mayer’s baby.
  • Do you know what scalloped shorts are? Doesn’t matter. Wear them or get out of my face.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (Bradley Cooper says he would do anything for you, but he won’t do that.)


Star

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: JEN CHEATED ON BRAD WITH MATT LEBLANC

Paul LeBlanc really made the rounds this week! In “an exclusive interview” with Star, he said Matt LeBlanc and Jennifer Aniston used to “make out in the dressing rooms” on the Friends set “when she was married to Brad Pitt.” Whaaaaat? He wouldn’t go on to say if Jen’s cheating is what led to her divorce from Brad Pitt (reminder: the narrative we as a country have been fed for over a decade is that Angelina Jolie wrecked their marriage), but he did say “Matt goes after dirt bags.” Whaaaaaat again? Did he just call Jennifer Aniston a dirt bag?! I believe he did! And he didn’t stop there.

  • On Matthew Perry: “Matt always said Matthew Perry is an asshole. He wanted to pound on him a couple of times.”
  • On David Schwimmer: “David Schwimmer was kind of dry, a bit too serious.”
  • On Lisa Kudrow: “Matt always liked Lisa Kudrow.”

Phew. How much did Star pay you for this, Mr. LeBlanc?

Kim Richards may be sober, but she’s far from clean. The five-bedroom home the RHOBH star been renting in the San Fernando Valley is completely trashed, and her landlord is charging her for clean-up and repairs. “The damage is terrible—stains all over, piles of destroyed furniture—not to mention the smell, since she let her dog pee and poop inside and didn’t clean up after him.” Her landlord is “keeping her security deposit and holding her responsible for extensive damage” - including thousands of dollars for “the patio furniture alone.” How does a person go about breaking so much furniture? I mean, it’s one thing if you’re a natural disaster. Like, if this landlord had rented the house to a tornado, sure, I get it - he’s going to wind up with plenty of busted stuff. That’s why you don’t rent to anyone who appears on an Enhanced Fujita scale. But Kim is a human woman, not a funnel cloud spinning at hundreds of miles an hour. I would, however, enjoy a movie about Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt studying her.

And Also:

  • Amal Clooney is too skinny oh no!
  • Taraji P. Henson is “bossy, rude, and extremely controlling” on the set of Empire.
  • Patrick Schwarzenegger and Rihanna have hooked up.
  • Tyga has been cheating on Kylie with a transgender model named Mia Isabella.
  • Jason Statham has been flirting with a lot of people who aren’t Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
  • Amanda Seyfried NEEDS Justin Long to propose.
  • Star claims the Kardashians will “destroy” Scott Disick if he doesn’t “clean up his act.”

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (You invite Kim Richards over for dinner and she destroys all your furniture.)


inTouch

KARDASHIANS: SECRET PSYCH EVALUATION

This is a weird one, y’all. InTouch claims to have “obtained a shocking psychological evaluation that reveals,” among other things, “the secrets behind Scott and Kourtney’s relationship.” As far as I can tell, the documents are uncredited. Who wrote them? Why were they written? How did inTouch get them? If you’re OK not having answers to any of those things, they’re wonderfully general and pretty funny to read.

  • Kourtney’s description just reads: “Emotional problems.”
  • Khloe’s: “Does whatever she wants.”
  • Kim’s: “Cries when alone.”
  • Rob’s: “Needs love - sweet.”

OK! But again, who the hell wrote these descriptions, and were they basing them on in-person counseling (probably not) or DVRed episodes of KUWTK (more likely)? To take this whole sham of an evaluation to other levels of bullshittery, inTouch interviewed an “LA-based clinical psychologist who has not counseled the Kardashians” about it. She called Kourtney “a sponge” who “lived out her father’s role,” Kim a woman “who can’t face the truth and hides her emotions,” Khloe someone who “can’t make up her mind,” and Rob a man “who’s hiding and wants to disappear.” Thanks for the enlightenment, doc! Good to know you watch E! too!

“BRAD CAN’T CONTROL HIS RAGE.” On July 5, Brad Pitt and his family were leaving LAX. Brad had an “angry outburst” when a photographer got in his face. A witness says “he threw up his bag to keep the photographer back, using it as a barrier,” then “pushed the photographer with it. The old Brad would never have been so physical.” Whoa, losing his temper in public?! What on Earth could be causing such a freakout? Oh, I know, MAYBE THE FACT THAT HIS MARRIAGE IS CRUMBLING LIKE A NATURE VALLEY GRANOLA BAR. Brad is “miserable” and “in a constant state of anger...he flies into a rage over the least little thing.” Many sources are claiming he and Angelina will divorce “shortly after By the Sea [the movie they’re starring in together] opens in November.” I hear Matt Damon has a spare bedroom you can use now, Brad!

Q&A of the week: Melissa Rivers

You, You, Me of the Week:

And Also:

  • Kourtney Kardashian’s “greatest fear” is that Scott gets another woman pregnant.
  • Calvin Harris taught Taylor Swift how to understand Scottish accents?
  • Jessica Simpson gave Ashlee Simpson some unsolicited parenting advice, and now they’re “at war.” Figures.
  • Nick Cannon doesn’t want Mariah to take dem babies to Australia with That Billionaire.
  • Orlando Bloom, who’s still famous somehow, is dating some interior designer.
  • Wear sunny yellow or I promise you will be destroyed by a gamma burst.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You’re destroyed by a gamma burst.)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - InTouch

Fig. 2 - Life & Style

Fig. 3 - Life & Style

Fig. 4 - Star


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via Shutterstock.